Emmaus is a Reformed Baptist church in Hemet, California. We are a community of Christ followers who love God, love one another, and serve the church, community, and nations, for the glory of God and for our joy.
Our hope is that you will make Emmaus your home and that you will begin to grow with us as we study the scriptures and, through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, live in a way that honors our great King.
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In the Emmaus Chapel at Cornerstone
26089 Girard St.
Hemet, CA 92544
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In the Chapel
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At Emmaus we believe that God has given parents, especially fathers the authority and responsibility to train and instruct children up in the Lord. In addition, we believe that God has ordained the gathering of all generations, young to old, to worship Him together in one place and at one time. Therefore, each and every Sunday our children worship the Lord alongside their parents and other members of God’s family.
“These are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Sons were born to them after the flood. The sons of Japheth: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. The sons of Gomer: Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah. The sons of Javan: Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. From these the coastland peoples spread in their lands, each with his own language, by their clans, in their nations. The sons of Ham: Cush, Egypt, Put, and Canaan. The sons of Cush: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabteca. The sons of Raamah: Sheba and Dedan. Cush fathered Nimrod; he was the first on earth to be a mighty man. He was a mighty hunter before the LORD. Therefore it is said, ‘Like Nimrod a mighty hunter before the LORD.’ The beginning of his kingdom was Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. From that land he went into Assyria and built Nineveh, Rehoboth-Ir, Calah, and Resen between Nineveh and Calah; that is the great city. Egypt fathered Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim (from whom the Philistines came), and Caphtorim. Canaan fathered Sidon his firstborn and Heth, and the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, the Hivites, the Arkites, the Sinites, the Arvadites, the Zemarites, and the Hamathites. Afterward the clans of the Canaanites dispersed. And the territory of the Canaanites extended from Sidon in the direction of Gerar as far as Gaza, and in the direction of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboiim, as far as Lasha. These are the sons of Ham, by their clans, their languages, their lands, and their nations. To Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the elder brother of Japheth, children were born. The sons of Shem: Elam, Asshur, Arpachshad, Lud, and Aram. The sons of Aram: Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash. Arpachshad fathered Shelah; and Shelah fathered Eber. To Eber were born two sons: the name of the one was Peleg, for in his days the earth was divided, and his brother’s name was Joktan. Joktan fathered Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab; all these were the sons of Joktan. The territory in which they lived extended from Mesha in the direction of Sephar to the hill country of the east. These are the sons of Shem, by their clans, their languages, their lands, and their nations. These are the clans of the sons of Noah, according to their genealogies, in their nations, and from these the nations spread abroad on the earth after the flood.” (Genesis 10, ESV)
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Introduction
Brothers and sisters, one of the things for which I am grateful is to have the privilege of pastoring a church that is eager to hear God’s word proclaimed in its entirety. And I would urge you to never allow that hunger for God’s word to fade.
I think all of you would agree that there are some passages of scripture that are more exciting and obviously applicable than others. But our belief is that “all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16, ESV). And so our practice it to teach through the scriptures in their entirety.
I would imagine that to many the portions of scripture that seem least applicable are the ones that contain genealogies. Perhaps you have had the experience of opening your Bible a the scripture reading for the day (assuming you are using a Bible reading plan) only to see a long list of names. Many, I would imagine, feel as if there is nothing for them in a text like that. While I understand the sentiment, I do hope to change your mind today.
While I am willing to admit that the genealogies of Genesis apply to us in a different way than, let’s say, Colossians 3:5-10 applies — they still apply!
The application of a passage like Colossians 3:5-10 is obvious. It lays there on the surface and is easily picked up by the reader: “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Colossians 3:5–10, ESV). This text speaks in a most direct way to how we ought to live in Christ Jesus. The meaning is clear. The application is direct.
It is not that passages like Genesis 10 are less meaningful. Neither are they less applicable. But two things need to be said: One, it is true that more work is required to mine texts like Genesis 10 when compared to texts like Colossians 3:5-10 if we are to understand its meaning and make application. Hard mental and spiritual spade work is required here. The reader must dig a little to reap the rewards and profit from a passage of scripture like this. Two, the kind of application drawn from texts like Genesis 10 is different from the kind of application drawn from texts like Colossians 3:5-10. After considering the Colossians passage, the reader is most naturally urged to “do something” — “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you”, etc. But after considering the list of names, peoples and places in Genesis 10, the reader is most naturally urged to “see and to understand” something. The application is simply different. It has more to do with what we art to believe than with what we are to do.
Friends, application that begins with the words, “see” or “understand” is not less important than application that begins with the word, “do”. In fact, seeing and understanding the message of the Bible is more foundational than doing what the Bible says. My objective as a minister of the gospel is not primarily to convince you to do this or that, but to convince you to believe something. My primary concerning is not to make you a better person, in other words, but to convince you that “Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and [to understand] that by believing you… have life in his name” (John 20:31, ESV). And after urging you to believe that Jesus is the Christ, then my objective is urge you to obey him.
Brothers and sisters, today I hope to convince you, if you are not convinced already, that these lists of names that appear in the scriptures from time to time are of great importance. They are of great importance for they tell the story of the accomplishment of our salvation.
Friends, I hope that you are beginning to understand that God did not accomplish our salvation through a Christ who appeared out of the blue one day. Instead, God provided salvation for us by first promising that he would. He promised that a victorious savior would one day appear. And he would appear, not by dropping from the sky without warning, but in fulfillment to promises previously made. The savior would, in due time, come from amongst the offspring of Eve.
The accomplishment of our salvation, therefore, began with a promise. And it also involved the fulfillment of that promise in human history. God promised to accomplish our salvation through the offspring of the woman, and he was also faithful to bring it about. The scriptures tell this story. The scriptures tell the story of God calling and preserving a people for himself in the world. And it was through this people that the Christ eventually came to pay the price for our sins.
Brothers and sisters, hear me now. There is no gospel of Jesus Christ apart from these genealogies.
I should remind you that Matthew began his gospel with a genealogy. The title of his work is, “The Gospel According to Matthew”. And the first words in his gospel presentation are, “The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham”, etc. (Matthew 1:1–2, ESV). Luke’s gospel also has a genealogy at the heart of it. In Luke 3:23 we read, “Jesus, when he began his ministry, was about thirty years of age, being the son (as was supposed) of Joseph, the son of Heli”, etc. I will say it again — there is no gospel of Jesus Christ apart from these genealogies, for God determined in eternity past to accomplish our redemption progressively, in human history, through the selection and preservation of an elect line through every generation up until the birth of the Christ, who would atone for the sins of his people by his own shed blood.
And what do we see here in Genesis 10 except the earliest stages of the development of that story.
There is so much that could be said about this passage. Some scholars have labored to identify each of the names in this list and to identify them with known peoples and nations in the ancient world. Many of the names and peoples mentioned are known to us. Some are a bit more difficult to identify. This is a very interesting and important field of study, but it is not the focus of the sermon today.
Let me begin by making seven general and brief observations about this list of people, places and nations before moving on to make three main points.
One, notice that this list of names differs a bit from the lists of names that we encountered earlier in the book of Genesis. The earlier lists are appropriately called genealogies, for they clearly trace the descent from father to son. Take, for example, the genealogy beginning in Genesis 5:1. There we read, “This is the book of the generations of Adam… When Adam had lived 130 years, he fathered a son in his own likeness, after his image, and named him Seth”, etc. The language is less precise in Genesis 10. This is not so much a genealogy, but a table of nations. The point is to show where the nations of the earth descended from after the days of Noah.
Two, notice that this passage is a continuation of what was said in Genesis 9:18. There we read, “The sons of Noah who went forth from the ark were Shem, Ham, and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan.) These three were the sons of Noah, and from these the people of the whole earth were dispersed” (Genesis 9:18–19, ESV). The table of nations of Genesis 10 maps out the dispersion of the peoples of the earth descending from Noah’s three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth.
Three, we must remember that the book of Genesis was originally written, not to us, but by Moses to ancient Israel after they had been redeemed from Egypt. While it is difficult for you and I to recognize the names in this list and to visualize where in the world these peoples resided, it would not have been so difficult for the ancient Israelite. As they heard these names, they would have recognized them, and they would have been able to visualize where in the world these people lived.
Four, notice the order in which the descendents of Shem, Ham and Japheth are listed. First, the descendents of Japheth are presented. Second, the descendents of Ham. And third, the descendents of Shem. Why this order? Up until this point the order has been Ham, Shem and Japheth, or Shem, Ham and Japheth. But here the order is Japheth, Ham and Shem. This ordering makes sense only if we consider it from the perspective of ancient, Old Covenant Israel and in the context of the overarching story of the history of redemption.
The Japhethites are mentioned first, and the least detail is given concerning them, because they were the people furthest removed from the Israelites. They were the peoples with whom the Israelites had least contact. They were the “ends of the earth” peoples from the perspective of the Hebrews.
The Hamites are mentioned second, and with much more detail, because they were the peoples that Israel had most contact with, and many of them were their enemies. Consider verse 6, where we read, “The sons of Ham: Cush, Egypt, Put, and Canaan” (Genesis 10:6, ESV). Of those four names, two are familiar to us — Egypt and Canaan. And coinsider this — the Israelites had just been freed from Egypt and they were sojourning towards a land that God had promised to them, the land of Canaan. Israel would have to drive the Canaanites out of the land and subdue them before occupying it.
The Shemites are mentioned last because this is line through through with the Hebrew people — God’s chosen people under the Old Covenant — would descend.
Five, remember that when Noah cursed Ham for his sin, he did not curse Ham directly, but his son Canaan. Now it should be clear why Noah cursed Canaan and not Ham, for not all who descended from Ham were cursed, but only the Canaanites. Noah said, “Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be to his brothers” (Genesis 9:25, ESV). Again, this must be considered from the perspective of the Israelite who had been redeemed from slavery in Egypt and was sojourning towards the promised land of the Canaanites.
Six, it is significant that if all of the descendents of Shem, Ham and Japheth are counted, the number comes to 70. Seventy is a number of completion in the scriptures. Clearly, this is not a complete and detailed genealogy of the sons of Noah. This is a selective list. The number 70 is meant to communicate the idea of completeness. From the sons of Noah, “the people of the whole earth were dispersed” (Genesis 9:18–19, ESV).
Seven, special attention should be payed to the remarks that are made about certain individuals in this list.
Take, for example, the remarks that are made about Nimrod in the line of Ham. Verse 8: “Cush fathered Nimrod; he was the first on earth to be a mighty man. He was a mighty hunter before the LORD. Therefore it is said, ‘Like Nimrod a mighty hunter before the LORD.’ The beginning of his kingdom was Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. From that land he went into Assyria and built Nineveh, Rehoboth-Ir, Calah, and Resen between Nineveh and Calah; that is the great city” (Genesis 10:8–12, ESV). This is quite a statement. It is meant to catch our attention. In brief, it communicates that in the line of Ham was characterized by mighty men — oppressive rulers, who engaged in city building, not to the glory of God, but to the glory of man.
Notice also that when we come to the line of Shem in verse 21 we read, “To Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the elder brother of Japheth, children were born” (Genesis 10:21, ESV). It is highlighted and emphasized from the outset that Shem was the “the father of all the children of Eber”. From Eber, the Hebrew people would descend, and this is emphasized from the outset.
With those general remarks out of the way, let me now make three points:
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The Sons Of Japheth
Firstly, as we consider the Japhethites, let it be recognized that God’s plan from the beginning was to bring salvation to all the peoples of the earth.
This table of the nations in Genesis 10 makes it clear that those who descended from Japheth were the ones who were far removed from Israel. They were the gentile people — the people with whom Israel had least contact. But we must also remember the blessing that God pronounced upon his son Japheth: “May God enlarge Japheth, and let him dwell in the tents of Shem, and let Canaan be his servant” (Genesis 9:27, ESV). God’s purpose from the beginning was to bless all the nations of the earth — even those who were far off — through his chosen people, the Israelites.
This will become even more clear in Genesis 12 when God calls Abram, one of Shem’s descendents. There we will read, “Now the LORD said to Abram, ‘Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed” (Genesis 12:1–3, ESV). Two things are communicated here: one, God would make Abram into a great nation. And two, in Abram “all the families of the earth shall be blessed”. This is a reiteration of the blessing pronounced upon Japheth when Noah said, “May God enlarge Japheth, and let him dwell in the tents of Shem”, which would become the tents of Abram in the course of time.
Friends, God’s purpose from the beginning was to save a people for himself from every tongue, tribe and nation. The savior, when he did come, would be the savior of the world, and not of the Hebrews only. The savior would defeat the evil one who plunged the world into sin and darkness. And the savior would redeem the children of Adam, who was the father, not of the Jews only, but of all people. But this savior would come into the world through one particular people, namely, the Hebrew people. It would be through the Jewish people that all the nations o f the earth would be blessed. This was God’s design from the beginning.
So much of the Old Testament scriptures focuses in upon this one people — the Hebrew people — that it would be east to assume that God had as his supreme goal the salvation of this people. Really, Genesis 12 through to the end of the Old Testament is about things that happened amongst the Hebrews. But do not forget God’s original design — to bless the Japhethites in and through the Shemites.
You and I live in an amazing time, for the gospel of Jesus Christ has gone to the farthest corners of the earth. The Christ has come. He atoned for sin by his death and resurrection. And the good news off salvation in his name has been preached in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. But there are still some places where the gospel has never been preached. There are some peoples who have never heard.
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The Sons of Ham
Secondly, as we consider the Hamites, let it be recognized that impulse of fallen and sinful man has always been to build cities and kingdoms for themselves, and for their own glory.
I have already mentioned the emphasis that is placed upon that man named Nimrod in the line of Ham. It must be recognized that a theme continues to develop in the story of scripture. God called Adam to build a city for the glory of God. He was to expand the garden, tend and keep it, so that worship of God might be promoted in that place. The garden was a temple — a city and kingdom devoted entirely to the worship and service of God. Adam sinned when he rebelled against his maker and sought establish his own kingdom — to decide for himself right and wrong, good and evil.
All of human history can be viewed from this angle. There are those who belong to God who are concerned to live for his glory and for the advancement of his kingdom on earth, and there are those who belong to the evil one who are concerned to promote their own glory (to make a name for themselves), and to advance the kingdoms of this world.
Cain and his son Enoch were of the world. Cain built a city and named it after his son, Enoch.
Lamech was a mighty king who perverted justice.
In the days leading up to the flood powerful and tyrannical kings ruled on earth. They “saw that the daughters of man were attractive. And they took as their wives any they chose” (Genesis 6:2, ESV).
The Nimrod in the line of Ham was another one who lived for his own glory and sought to advance the kingdoms of this world independent of God. “The beginning of his kingdom was Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. From that land he went into Assyria and built Nineveh, Rehoboth-Ir, Calah, and Resen between Nineveh and Calah; that is the great city” (Genesis 10:10–12, ESV).
This conflict between the kingdom of God and the kingdoms of the world will by displayed most famously in Genesis 11 in the story of the tower of Bable, when the people of the earth said, “‘Come, let us build ourselves a city and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be dispersed over the face of the whole earth.’ And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of man had built” (Genesis 11:4–5, ESV).
Friends, there is nothing new under the sun. Even today there are those who live for their own glory and pleasure, and for the kingdoms of this world, and there are those who live for the glory and pleasure of God, and the advancement of his righteous kingdom.
The line of Ham is characterized by the insatiable desire to establish kingdoms where man rules as supreme, independent of, and in constant rebellion against the God of heaven.
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The Sons of Shem
Thirdly, as we consider the Sethites, let it be recognized that God, by his grace, determined to set a people apart for himself as holy and, through them, to provide a savior.
Remember the blessing pronounced upon Seth by Noah. Genesis 9:26: “He also said, ‘Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem; and let Canaan be his servant.” (Genesis 9:26, ESV)
From Seth, Eber would be born. And from Eber, the Hebrews would descend.
But notice that in this passage the line of Seth is traced through Eber and then through Yoktan (10:25), which does not lead Abram and the Hebrews.
In chapter 11 we will find that the line of Seth is again traced through Eber, but this time through Ebers son Peleg (11:16), and eventually to Terah, who was the father of Abram and the Hebrews.
Seths line is put before us twice, therefore — first in chapter 10 and again in chapter 11. The first does not lead to God’s chosen people. The second genealogy does. This was also true of Adam’s genealogy. The line of Cain was traced from Adam in Genesis 4. And the genealogy of Adam was presented again in Genesis 5 — this time with attention given to righteous and chosen line of Seth.
What is the meaning of all of this? It shows that God, by his grace, was faithful to preserve a people for himself in the world as holy and, through them, to provide a savior. This is the story of scripture. This is a crucial aspect of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
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Application
From the line of Japheth
God’s purpose has always been to save people from every tongue, tribe and nation.
Let us pray for the salvation of the nations.
Racism has no place in Christ’s church.
From the line of Ham
Let us recognize and beware of the spirit of the world which is to build cities and kingdoms for the glory and honor of man and not for the glory of God.
Let us be sure that that spirit is not in us.
Let us live for God’s glory — may he be our only Lord and king.
And let us labor to promote his kingdom in the world around us.
I wonder, what opportunities do you have to promote God’s kingdom?
From the line of Shem
Let us marvel at the mercy and grace of God that he would call and keep a people for himself so that he might provide salvation for the world through them?
This is your spiritual heritage if you are in Christ.
Thanks be to God for his faithfulness to call and to preserve his people in every generation.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: Matthew 19:1-9
“Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, ‘Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?’ He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.’ They said to him, ‘Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?’ He said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:1–9, ESV)
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Introduction
Over the years I have preached many sermons. And there have been many times when after having preached a sermon I thought to myself, I could have preached that text or that topic much better than I did. I readily admit it, I have preached some poor sermons. But there was one sermon that I preached years ago that I wish I had never preached. That sermon was on the text of Matthew 19 and on the subject of divorce and remarriage.
I actually dug up the outline to that sermon and found that it was dated August 22, 2010, about a year prior to the founding of Emmaus. In that sermon on Matthew 19 and on the topic of divorce and remarriage I presented something like what is called the “permanence view” of marriage. In essence the permanence view is that the one flesh union established by God in the marriage covenant is permanent, death being the only thing that can dissolve it. And so although divorce may be permitted under certain circumstances, remarriage never is, for the one flesh union remains intact until the death of one of the spouses. To divorce and remarry under any and all circumstances, therefore, is to commit adultery according to the permanence view.
J. Carl Laney is a proponent of the permanence view. Listen to how he defines marriages in his book, “No Divorce and No Remarriage”. Marriage is “God’s act of joining a man and a woman in a permanent, covenanted, one-flesh relationship” (Laney, 20). In the same book he also says, “I believe Scripture teaches that marriage was designed by God to be permanent unto death, and that divorce and remarriage constitute the sin of adultery” (Laney, 16). John Piper is also a proponent of the permanence view of marriage. His view is that the “New Testament [prohibits]… all remarriage except in the case where a spouse has died” (Piper, Divorce and Remarriage: A Position Paper).
As I have said, I wish that I had never preached that sermon. Over the past eight years I have come to see that my knowlede of the subject was very limited and my study was rushed. If my memory is correct the one thing I did do in that sermon that brings me some comfort was to acknowledging that I was not sure of myself and could be wrong. I preached being open and honest about my uncertainty. Actually, I do not believe that a pastor should ever preach with uncertainty. If he is uncertain then it would be better for him to keep his mouth shut. But given that I failed to keep my mouth shut, I am at least glad that I was honest about my uncertainty.
Emmaus was established in June of 2011. And as I started off in full time pastoral ministry I found that this topic of divorce and remarriage kept popping up. One situation after another would arise which had this issue of divorce and remarriage either at the center of it or in the background. Brothers and sisters, I do not like this subject, but I couldn’t get away from it. Those who know me best could tell you that over the years (and especially in the early years of Emmaus) I often had a book on the subject of divorce and remarriage out on my desk. I was constantly being driven back to this topic by the situations I was encountering as a pastor.
Thankfully, I began to have strong doubts concerning the permanence view of marriage early on in Emmaus’ history. But it did take me some time to fully shed that view and to develop firm convictions of my own concerning this difficult subject. I have been settled in my view for a few years now. I’ve had discussions with some of you about my view on the subject. The elders of Emmaus have also considered the issue and are of the same mind. And now the time has come for me to publicly repent of the erroneous views that I presented back in 2010 and to present teaching on this subject that is faithful to scripture.
Brothers and sisters, please forgive me for my careless handling of scriptures back in 2010 on this subject of divorce and remarriage. I know that it has caused some unnecessary angst for some of you, and I do seek your forgiveness.
The teaching that I present today and on the next Lord’s Day is the result of years of thought and study on this subject. I am happy to no longer feel uncertain about the teaching of scripture, but that does not mean that I no longer find the issue of divorce and remarriage very challenging. Understanding what the scriptures say on the subject is one thing. Applying the truth of scripture to the often complicated circumstances that arise within the lives of God’s people is another thing all together. This subject is a difficult one for pastors, and it always will be. We should proceed with great caution and with humility.
Todays sermon is on the subject of divorce. The sermon next Sunday will be on the subject of remarriage. These two sermons really need to be considered together.
I should also say that the elders have read Jim Newheiser’s book “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage” and agree with his handling of this very difficult subject. I will only be able to say so much in these two sermons. If you have questions about divorce and remarriage that are not addressed in these two sermons I would urge you schedule a meeting with me and/or to grab a copy of Newheiser’s book. He does address a number of difficult questions, and he does so in a clear and concise manner.
So what does the Bible say about divorce?
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I. God’s Design For Marriage Is That It Last For Life
First of all, it must be stated that God’s design for marriage is that it last for life. There is a sense, therefore, in which me might say that God’s will for us is that we never divorce.
This point has already been established in this sermon series, but it needs to be restated here. Remember that we have defined marriage as “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community.”
Understanding this basic principle – that God’s design for marriage is that it last for life – will help us to understand much of what the scriptures have to say on the subject of divorce and remarriage.
As a general rule, marriage is to last for life. As a general rule, it is “till death do us part”. This does not mean that there are no exceptions to this general rule (we will look at those exceptions momentarily), but the general rule must be established before the exceptions can be stated and understood. And so the scriptures time and time again establish the general rule that marriages are to last for life.
Remember the words of Christ in Matthew 19. When answering the question of the Pharisees, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause? He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:4–6, ESV)
What is God’s ideal for marriage? That it last for life.
And take for example that famous text in Malachi 2:16 where we are told most bluntly that the “LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce…” (Malachi 2:16, NKJV). Is it true that God hates divorce? Well, yes it is true, for the scriptures clearly say that he does. But we must pay careful attention to the context lest we misunderstand what is being said here.
In Malachi 2:13 we read,“And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the LORD with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence, Says the LORD of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.” (Malachi 2:13–16, NKJV)
Why does God hate divorce? Because it is a violation of his design for marriage – marriage being a life long covenant of companionship. Whenever there is divorce someone has violated the marriage covenant, either by committing the sin of adultery, or by divorcing without just cause. This is thing that God “hates”. This was the thing being addressed by Malachi the prophet – men were putting away their wives for no good reason. They were dealing “treacherously” with their wives, and as a result the alter of the LORD was being covered with tears – the tears of the wives and children presumably.
There are many passages in the holy scriptures which speak strongly against divorce and forcefully in favor of marriage lasting for life. Why? Because this is the ideal. This is God’s revealed will.
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II. Under Some Circumstances Divorce Is Permitted
Secondly, we must recognize that under some circumstances divorce is permitted.
This point should be considered in two parts. One, divorce as it was permitted for those under the Old Covenant. And two, divorce as it is permitted for those under the New Covenant.
First of all let us consider that divorce was permitted under the Old Covenant. In other words the people of Israel were permitted to divorce. The law of God given to them through Moses permitted divorce, and also regulated it.
It would be good for you to turn with me to Deuteronomy 24. There we read in verse 1, “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man’s wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.” (Deuteronomy 24:1–4, ESV)
A few things should be noticed about this passage. One, divorce was by no means commanded or encouraged under Moses. Two, divorce (and remarriage) was permitted under Moses. And three, divorce (and remarriage) was regulated under Moses. In fact that is what this Deuteronomy passage is most about – the regulation of the existing practice of divorce. If a man was going to divorce his wife, or a wife her husband, a certificate of divorce would need to be given. What would the purpose of that certificate be except to show that the marriage had in fact been dissolved, that the man or woman was not longer obligated to fulfill martial duties, and that the divorced person was free to remarry. And what is expressly forbidden in this passage? Notice that the law of Moses did not forbid divorce (or even remarriage after divorce), but a woman returning to her first husband after the divorce once she had married another. That is thing forbidden under Moses – a divorce, and new marriage, and then a returning back to the first spouse if the second marriage ended in either divorce or in the death of the second spouse. What we see here in Deuteronomy 24 is the regulation of the practice of divorce.
We know that in the days of Jesus there were questions about valid grounds for divorce. There were some who held the position that a man was free to divorce his wife for just about any reason, and there were others who believed that valid reasons for divorce were much more limited in number. It was that debate concerning valid grounds for divorce that gave the Pharisees of Matthew 19 the opportunity to put Jesus to the test by asking “is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause? (Matthew 19:3, ESV)”. The Jews in Jesus’ day debated over the law on this point. They wondered, how are we to understand Deuteronomy 24 and the words, “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce… etc., etc.”(Deuteronomy 24:1, ESV). The Jews in Jesus’ day debated over what Moses meant when he said, “if then she finds no favor in his eyes”, and “because he has found some indecency in her.” What does that include? Can a man divorce his wife because she is a bad cook, for example? Or does the offence need to be more severe? What are the valid grounds for divorce according to the law? That was the question they debated over, and that was the question that they put to Jesus. Jesus, what is your understanding of the law of Moses on this point? They hoped to trip him up and entangle him in this messy debate.
Jesus’ answer surprised the Pharisees.
First of all, He refused to approach Deuteronomy 24 as if it answered their questions regarding divorce but went instead to Genesis 2:24-25. In other words the Pharisees were focused on Deuteronomy 24 thinking that that passage answered the question of valid grounds, but Jesus took them to another text – one that was earlier and more foundational. Jesus replied to the Pharisees saying, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:4–6, ESV). Jesus presented God’s ideal for marriage established at creation by quoting Genesis 2:24-25. Jesus, when is it appropriate for a man to divorce his wife?, the Pharisees asked.And what was Jesus’ answer? God’s ideal is that they remain together forever.
The Pharisees pressed him further saying,“Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” (Matthew 19:7, ESV). Clearly these man had Deuteronomy 24 in view. Their question is reasonable. It is as if they said, if it is true that marriage is to last for life then how are were to understand the words of Moses in Deuteronomy 24 which speak of divorce but do not forbid it outright?
Jesus’ answer: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8, ESV).
This is a very important verse in helping us to understand divorce as it was under the Old Mosaic Covenant. Jesus’ interpretation of the law was that marriage was to last for life, that divorce was permitted (or tolerated) under Moses due to the hardness of the people’s hearts, and that it was regulated by Moses. In other words, the Pharisees were laboring to understand the grounds for divorce from Deuteronomy 24 and Jesus essentially said, you will not find them there. Deuteronomy 24 has to do with the regulation of the practice of divorce which was tolerated under Moses due to the hardness of the people’s hearts, but God’s ideal is that marriage last for life.“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate”
It should be remembered, brothers and sisters, that Old Covenant Israel was a mixed people. There were many – indeed, very many – within Israel who did not know the Lord. They were of Israel externally, but not inwardly. They were circumcised according to the flesh, but not of the heart. The law of Moses which was used to govern this mixed multitude included laws which regulated the practice of divorce, but did not forbid it altogether. This was due to the hardness of their hearts. Divorce was tolerated under the Old Covenant, but even then the ideal for the marriage relationship was that it be permanent.
One last thing that needs to be said before we move on to consider divorce under the New Covenant. We should not forget that under the Old Covenant the penalty for the sin of adultery was death.The adulterer and the adulteress were to be put to death under Moses. Leviticus 20:10 says, “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death” (Leviticus 20:10, ESV). The sin of adultery is such a violation of God’s moral law and such a violation of the marriage covenant that under Moses the adulterer and the adulteress were to be put death. I was tempted here to go off on a tangent concerning the law of Moses and how we are to understand it now that we are under the New Covenant and in Christ, but that will have to wait for another time. For now, let this fact stand – under Moses the sin of adultery was to be punished by death.
Under the New Covenant two things happen that have a direct impact on this subject of divorce and remarriage.
First of all, with the transition from the Old Covenant to the New we find that civil laws that governed Israel no longer govern God’s people. To put it differently, under the Old Covenant church and state were united as one, but under the New Covenant church and state are distinct. No longer does God have a particular nation that is his own, but is calling his elect from all the peoples of the earth. His kingdom is expanding to the ends of the earth through the proclamation of the gospel. This is not accomplished through military conquest, but by the word and Spirit. The expansion of Christ’s kingdom has nothing to do with boarders, but souls rescued from the kingdom of darkness and transferred into the kingdom of light. And under the New Covenant God’s people (the church) do not wield the sword – the state does. It is not the churches job to enforce civil law. It is not the churches job to try criminals and to punish. The state has the responsibility to do so, but not the church. Under the New Covenant God’s kingdom is not of this world. The weapons of his kingdom are not sword and spear, but word and Spirit.
How does all of this apply to the subject of divorce (and remarriage)? Well, it is very important to recognize that the sin of adultery, which under the Old Covenant was punishable by death, is no longer punishable by death under the New.
Let me put the matter this way. If under the Old Covenant the subject of divorce (and remarriage) was being discussed the question of the sin of adultery being a valid grounds for divorce and remarriage would not have arisen, for the penalty for adultery was death. But under the New Covenant this question does arise, for the New Covenant people of God are not governed by the civil laws of Old Covenant Israel. The Israel of God (the church) under the New Covenant is governed by the civil laws of the nations where God has placed them providentially. You have probably noticed that the civil laws under which we live do not have death as the penalty for adultery. In fact, in most States there is no penalty at all for the sin of adultery (I believe it is true that there are 20 States in our Union in which adultery is still a crime, but it is very rare for there to be any prosecutions).
So under the New Covenant this question must be addressed. Is the sin of adultery a valid ground for divorce for the Christian? And the answer is yes.
Jesus says so most directly in the Matthew 19 passage that we have been considering. Verse 9: “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9, ESV).
Ordinarily, marriage is to last for life. To divorce and remarry is to commit adultery. The one exception given by Christ is in the case of the sin of adultery, or sexual immorality, committed by ones spouse. The sin of adultery so violates the marriage covenant that divorce (and as we will see, remarriage) is permitted.
There is one other situation in which a Christian is free to divorce (and as we will see, remarry), and that is in the case of abandonment by a non-believing spouse.
Listen to Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7 and starting in verse 8: “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord [this means that this is something that Christ addressed in his ministry]): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife [this is the general rule – divorce is not an option for the believer, with the one stated exception being the sin of adultery]. To the rest I say (I, not the Lord [in other words, Jesus did not address this directly, but Paul is addressing it here) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:8–16, ESV)
Paul’s teaching agrees with Jesus’, as you would expect it to. But Paul is here applying the teaching of Christ to the difficult circumstances that arrise within the church. What does he add? Ordinarily, marriage is for life. If a believing husband and wife do separate they should not remarry but work towards reconciliation. And if a Christian is abandoned by his or her unbelieving spouse, “let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved.” I take this to mean that the brother our sister does not sin by going through with the divorce. It probably also means that the abandoned Christian is also free to remarry, though I would urge the Christian to proceed with caution here. It is likely that the non-believer who has abandoned the Christian will remarry. By remarrying he or she will commit adultery, leaving the abandoned spouse free to remarry, with no doubt.
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Conclusion
Brothers and sisters, this is such a complicated subject. I’ll admit that it is difficult to understand the teaching of scripture concerning divorce and remarriage. I struggled to understand it, as I said. But this subject is made exceedingly complicated by the difficult situations that people (even Christians) get themselves into because of their sin. In this sermon I have only presented the basic teaching of scripture concerning divorce. I understand that I have left many questions unanswered. You can probably think of dozens of hypothetical situations and ask, “what if…?” Please bring those questions to me so that we can work through them together.
Let me close by making a few points of application.
First of all, it must be said that although divorce without Biblical grounds is a sin, it is not an unforgivable sin. To the one who has sinfully divorced in the past I would say, acknowledge your sin, turn from it, do everything in your power to undo the dammage that has been done (which might involve reconciling with your previous spouse provided that neither of you have remarried)and look to Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Christ is able to cleanse you and to restore you. Run to him.
Secondly (and this point is going to sound very strange to you at first), it must me recognized that divorce is, under some circumstances, and in a certain sense, good. True, God hates divorce. True, divorce is always the result of some sin. True, divorce will always be accompanied by a great deal of sorrow. But with that said, there is a sense in which it is good. It is good in that it protects the innocent spose from being joined for life to a spouse that is unfaithful. Here is that way that Jay Adams put it: “Even though all divorces are the result of sin, not all divorces are sinful” (Adams, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible, 30). To put it more directly, if you have divorced with Biblical grounds – due to adultery or abandonment – you need not feel the least bit guilty about that. You will likely feel grief and sorrow over the divorce, but you need not feel guilt.
Thirdly, it should be recognized that although divorce is permitted the case of adultery it is not required. A husband or wife who has been sinned against in this way may choose to remain in the marriage. Of course this would require repentance from the adulterer. This would require forgiveness from the one sinned against. And this would require a great deal of effort as the husband and wife would need to work to restore the marriage and to rebuild trust. Though this road may be difficult, it is not impossible, especially with Christ at work within the midst of it.
Consider this. A Christian must forgive those who have sinned against them from the heart even if there is no repentance. If there is repentance, that forgiveness must be transacted – forgiveness must be extended. Extending forgiveness does not mean that everything goes back to how it used to be. In other words, a Christian is not obligated to take his or her adulterous spouse back just because they say the words “I’m sorry, please forgive me” – adultery is a valid grounds for divorce. But if the repentance is true the Christian spouse does have an opportunity to extend a grace to the one who has sinned and to keep the marriage in tact. In my opinion, this would be a very beautiful reflection of the love of Christ for his church. We have been so terribly unfaithful to our God, and yet takes us back time and time again in Christ Jesus.
I will say one more thing about keeping a marriage intact after the sin of adultery. If a husband or wife chooses that rout (to continue on with the marriage despite the sin of unfaithfulness), then the threat of divorce needs to be set aside after that decision is made. Do you have grounds for divorce if your spouse has been unfaithful? Yes you do. Must you divorce? No, you may remain in the marriage if your spouse is repentant. But if you choose to stay married the sin of adultery needs to be forgiven and not held against your spouse any longer. In other words, at some point (and I’m not sure how long this will take) the one has been sinned against needs to say, “I forgive you, I’m staying, I no longer have grounds for divorce. Till death do us part.” It should not be difficult to understand why this would be important.
Fourthly, if you are a Christian and a member of a church that takes the responsibility of exercising biblical church discipline seriously (every Christian should be), the church must be involved in the process of determining whether divorce is permissible. I feel for the Christian who attends a church without membership and without discipline when deep troubles within the marriage arise leading to divorce. Marriage is instituted publicly and before witness. The decision to divorce should also involve witnesses. If a Christian man or woman has committed adultery the church must be involved. If a Christian man or woman abandons his or her spouse the church must be involved. If a Christian is considering or going through a divorce the church must be involved to either oppose or support the decision.
Fifthly, let us do everything in our power to protect our marriages, brothers and sisters.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: James 3:1–4:3
“Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 3:1–4:3, ESV)
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Introduction
This is now the seventh sermon in this series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage. So far we have only addressed the subject of marriage, and the same will be true of the sermon today. Teaching concerning the difficult but important subject of divorce and remarriage will be presented in the weeks to come, Lord willing. Today we are once again asking the question, how can we build marriage relationships that are healthy and God honoring?
My original intention for this sermon was to address common problems that arise within marriages. Couples often struggle to show love, to resolve conflicts, and to develop physical and emotional intimacy. It is common for conflicts to arise over issues such as parenting, time management, and finances. Indeed, if we were to make a list of the problems prevalent within marriages the list would be quite long. But instead of saying a little about a lot of common problems I have decided to say a lot about one issue in particular, and that is the issue of communication.
I have three reasons for focusing in upon the issue of communication.
One, in my experience this is the thing that couples struggle with the most in marriage. Husbands and wives often struggle to communicate. Their communication may be either nonexistent, superficial, or hostile.
Two, if my reasoning is sound, improving communication will also bring improvements to the other issues that husbands and wives face. I think you would agree that husbands and wives can work through many things, even very difficult things, if they only had the ability to speak the truth to one another in love.
Three, communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. The health of your relationship is directly tied to the health of your communication.
You cannot say that you have a relationship with someone if you have never spoken with them. If someone asks you, “do you know so and so…” you cannot answer in the affirmative unless you have at some point and in some way communicated with that person. If you have never communicated with them you may say, “I know of her”, but you can say I “know her…” But if there was communication in the past, even if it was only a brief exchange, then you may say, “I know her”. Communication is the thing that establishes a relationship. You pass by people every day. You make eye contact with some of them. But you do not have a relationship with any of them, unless you talk. And the more frequent and substantial the communication, the deeper the relationship. You may rightly say that you know a person that you met only once years ago, but you cannot say that you know them well. How do you come to know someone well? It is by frequent and substantial communication. This is true of your relationship with God. A person’s relationship with God may be called “strong” when that person knows God’s word, walks according to it, and lives in constant and prayerful dependence upon him. It is also true of our relationships with one another, and especially husbands and wives. The health a marriage relationship is directly tied to the health of the couples communication. Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.
I have five points to make that I hope will help us to improve in our communication with one another, particularly within the marriage relationship.
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I. Husbands and Wives Must Resolve to Communicate Well with One Another
First of all, husbands and wives must resolve to communicate well with one another.
A couple of things are implied in this point.
First of all, it is implied that good communication requires effort.
Why is it so difficult for us to communicate well? Why does good communication require so much effort? The answer is that we are fallen. Communication is difficult for us because of the sins, weakness and immaturities that are in our hearts.
Stringing together a series of words in a coherent fashion is not difficult for most people. This we learned to do at a very young age. Communication becomes difficult when there is some sin or weakness in the heart of the one speaking or in the heart of the one listening.
Things like pride and fear make good communication difficult. A judgemental or harsh spirit is a hindrance to good communication. The same may be said of the one who is defensivenessor overly sensitive. These sins and weakness are barriers to healthy communication.
It seems to me that this point is illustrated in the narrative of Genesis chapters 2 and 3. We have read this text many times now, and so it should be familiar to you. In that passage where the institution of marriage is first mentioned we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV). Adam and Eve were created to enjoy intimacy in the marriage relationship. They were joined together by God in a covenant of companionship. And we know that they did in fact enjoy this intimacy – that they were in fact close companions – for we are told that “the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
What is meant by this? Well, first of all it simply means that they were physically naked and felt no shame about that. But the narrative of Genesis 3 will make it clear that their physical nakedness and lack of shame corresponded to their spiritual, emotional and relational nakedness and lack of shame. Adam and Eve stood before one another completely naked and exposed in every way as husband and wife, and they felt no shame. They knew one another truly and thoroughly. They did not hide anything from one another for there was nothing to hide. Before sin entered into the world there was no shame. This was true for Adam and Eve in regard to their relationship before God, and this was true of to their relationship with one another.
But as we will see all of this changed when the couple fell into sin. In Genesis 3:7 we read, “Then [that is, after the ate of the forbidden fruit] the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths” (Genesis 3:7, ESV). The couple then hid from God. And what happened to the blissfulness of their one flesh union? Their perfect and shameless companionship was corrupted and marred by conflict.
God confronted Adam concerning his sin, and what did Adam say? He shifted the blame, saying, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12, ESV). And do you remember the curse pronounced upon the woman? “To the woman [God] said, ‘I will greatly increase your labor pains; with pain you will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you’” (Genesis 3:16, NET).
What am I saying? Well, simply this: do not be surprised that good communication will require effort this side of the fall and this side of the new heavens and new earth. I trust that you are able to string words together in a coherent fashion – that is not the problem. The problem is the sin that resides within our hearts. We can harsh, judgmental, defensive, uncaring, disengaged in our communication, and this is due to our sin.
The secondly thing implied by this first point, husbands and wives must resolve to communicate well with one another, is that many are in fact complacent in the their poor communication.
You and I have developed communication habits, I’m sure of it. And I am also confident that some of those habits are bad habits. Some have the habit of not really listening. Others have the habit of speaking harshly. And others have the habit of shutting down when the conversation goes in a direction they are not pleased with. I could go on and on with a list of bad communication habits.
At some point we simply have to decide that we are going to make good and Godly communication a priority. At some point we must say, God and Christ are Lord, not only over that which I think and do, but also over my speaking and even my listening. Tell me, friend, do you speak to the glory of God? And do you listen to others to the glory of his name?
I will not develop this thought too much for the sake of time, but I am convinced that one of the ways that we can glorify God the most is through our communication. God is a communicating God. One of the things that it means for us to be made in his image is that we are able to communicate with him. And one of the things that it means for us to be a part of the human species is that we are able to communicate with one another. Eve was made to correspond to Adam. The two could, among other things, communicate with one another and together they could commune with God. Marriage was instituted to serve as a picture of God’s covenantal relationship to his people. Marriage is in fact an analogy of Christ’s relationship to the church. If the relationship between husband and wife is to function as a picture of the relationship between God and his people, then we had better pursue intimacy in our communication, for God has communicated to us through his Son and has reconciled us to himself through our union with him. Let us resolve to glorify God, not only in our thoughts and actions, but also in our communication. Let us speak and listen in a way that gives glory to God.
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II. Husbands and Wives Must Communicate in Love
This brings us to the second point in this sermon which is, husbands and wives must communicate in love.
Let us communicate being driven by our love for God and our love for one another.
I would assume that many when they hear the exhortation to speak the truth in love, they assume it means to speak in a gentle and loving tone. And while it is true that our tone should usually be gentle and loving, I can actually think of instances where it is good and right and, dare I say, most loving to speak in a firm and confrontational tone. Did not our Savior do this? Did not the prophets do this? Did Christ and the prophets sin when they spoke firmly with the rebellious of their day? No! For though their tone might have been harsh, their words were spoken in love. They said what they said in the way that they said it out of a true love for God and out of a true love for their neighbor. Now, I would imagine that it would be on very rare occasions that a husbands and wives would need to be so firm and dirrectr with one another. But the point I am making is this: to “communicate in love” is to communicate being driven and governed by a sincere love for God and a sincere love for the one you are communicating with.
What is motivating your communication? When you listen and speak to your spouse or children (or anyone for that matter), what is driving you? What principle is governing you?
Two things should be driving and governing all of our communication. First of all, love for God. And secondly, love for one another.
I will ask the question again, are you seeking the glory and honor of God in your listening and in your speaking? Are you mindful of this question as you communicate with others: is God pleased with the way that I am listening and speaking?
And secondly, are you seeking the good of your neighbor (your spouse) in your communication? Is your communication with others driven and governed by love?
I am convinced that most of our failures in communication can be traced back to a failure to love the one we are communicating with. Instead of loving and serving the other with our ears and mouth, we love and serve ourselves.
There have been times where as a father I have spoken too harshly to my children. I’ve grown impatient with them and have barked at them. And when I have analyzed those instances of sinful communication I have often come to the conclusion that I was simply being lazy as a father. Instead of being driven by my love for God and love for my children I was driven by love for self. Instead of asking the question, what do my children truly need right now? I asked the question (though I didn’t realize it at the time), what will be easiest for me? What did my children really need? What would have been most beneficial them? They probably needed their father to intervene in the situation (whatever it was) in a calm manner. They needed their father to listen so as to truly understand the situation (whatever it was). And they probably needed their father to offer advice and maybe even discipline so that the problem might be truly resolved and so that the sin (whatever it was) might truly be addressed and repented of. That is what my children really needed. But that would have required a lot of time and effort, and I was tired, and so I carelessly communicated. Instead of listening and seeking to understand before speaking (maybe even firmly), I just yelled at them. Instead of being driven and governed by a true love for God and a true love for my children, I was driven by love for self.
And what can I say about arguments that I have had with my wife? The same principle applies. If my communication with her was always driven and governed by my love for God and my love for her then I dont think we would ever fight. We might have differences of opinion, but those differences of opinion would never turn into arguments or fights if we were being driven and governed by love as we communicate with one another.
I don’t think Lindsay and I are unique in this. There have been times where after having an argument we look back upon the argument and have a hard time remembering what the argument was about. Maybe it was a difference of opinion about money or what color to paint the walls or where to go for dinner, but the argument became an argument, not because of money or paint or a restaurant, but because of a failure to love. At some point someone started to be selfish. Someone started to be driven by pride. Someone decided that they would have to have it their way. And that is what caused the fight, not the difference of opinion.
James 4:1 poses the question, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?” Listen carefully to the answer that James gives. “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 4:1–3, ESV) It is selfishness or the sin of covetousness in the heart which causes quarrels and fights.
Brothers and sisters, our communication with one another must flow, not from selfish hearts, but from selfless and loving hearts. We should look into the eyes of the one we are communicating with and think, I am going to interact with this one in a way that is pleasing to God and in a way that will be for their good
Ephesians 4:15 says, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:15–16, ESV). This should be our goal in communication – to build one another up.
Spouses have been exhorted in this sermon series to love one another, that is, to live for the good of the other. What I am proposing to you now is that the greatest opportunity we have to love one another is through our communication. We love one another when we listen and seek to truly understand one another. Brothers and sisters, there is so much power in our words. Our words have the power to either build up or tear down. Husbands and wives must communicate in love.
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III. Husbands and Wives Must Learn to Listen Well
Thirdly, husbands and wives must learn to listen well.
When I say “communication” I would imagine the very first thing that comes to mind is talking. But really the beginning of good communication involves listening. And by listening I do not mean allowing the other person to make noise with their mouth so that your ear drums vibrate, but actually laboring to understand the other persons point of view before responding. Your first objective in communication should be to hear the other person so as to understand them. Most of our bad communication begins with poor listening.
This is why James says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…” (James 1:19, ESV). What is the thing that we should do first when communicating? We should listen! This is the thing that we should be eager to do – listen. We should labor to truly understand the perspective of the other person. And what is the thing that we should be willing to delay? Our speaking.
Proverbs 18:12 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Proverbs 29:20 says, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”
If we hope to have good communication we must learn listen well.
Here are a few things that you can do to become a good listener.
The first step is to actually want to understand the other persons perspective. Often times we do not make it past this step, but have winning the argument as a highest goal.
Secondly, be sure that you are giving full attention to the one who is speaking to you.
Thirdly, during especially important or sensitive conversations repeat back to the person what it is that you heard them say. You may say something like, “if I undestand you correctly this is what you are saying…”
Fourthly, it is also helpful to ask clarifying questions, saying, “is this what you meant when you said such and such?” We should be ever aware of the fact that we are prone to misunderstand what others are saying. Sometimes we take what they are saying in a way different from how they intended it. Sometimes we read in to what they are saying. Sometimes are defensive and overly sensitive. If our goal is to truly understand the other person then we will take the time to ask clarifying questions.
As I said before, the trouble is that our goal is often not to hear so as to understand the other, but to get our own way. Instead of listening carefully, repeating what we have heard and asking clarifying questions, we pick apart the words of the other, capitalize on every misstep and assume the worst so that we might have ammunition to use against the other to win the argument.
Brothers and sisters, “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others…” (Philippians 2:3–5, ESV)
Let us love one another by truly listening to one another.
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IV. Husbands and Wives Must Learn to Speak Well
Fourthly, husbands and wives must learn to speak well.
Husbands and wives would be wise to say the right thing to one another at the right time and in the right way.
Husbands and wives should always say the right thing. We should always speak the truth to one another. Never should we lie. And sometimes husbands and wives will need to say difficult things to one another. If there is some weakness or sin that you see in your spouse, it should not be ignored.
Some, I have found, are prone to avoid difficult conversations at all costs. This mighty seem easier in the short term, but things will be more difficult in the long run.
Others are hasty and careless in their confrontation. They see a problem and address it immediately and often in a harsh manner.
We should be truthful with one another, but timing and tone matters.
Husband, if there is something you need to address with your wife be careful when you choose to do it. Do not address it when the two of you are tired, or in the middle of and already heated argument, or when the kids are around.
Wives, if there is something you need to address with your husband be careful when you choose to do it. Perhaps not the moment he walks in the door from a long and stressful day work.
Tone also matters. Confrontation does not have to involve conflict. We should be able to speak calmly to one another about difficult matters. We should be aware of our tone and also our body language when we communicate.
The goal should be to say what needs to be said at a time and in a way that gives the others person the greatest opportunity to listen well to what is being said.
Brothers and sisters, say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way.
Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person”.
Proverbs 15:4: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit”.
Proverbs 15:23: “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”
I understand that some people (men in particular) struggle with communication in that they do not talk enough. Men, we need to talk. And we should be willing to talk with our wives about things that are deep and substantial.
But many more struggle with communication because their words are too numerous. Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”
Brothers and sisters, “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
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V. Husbands and Wives Must Communicate with Hearts Prepared and Pure
Fifthly, and lastly, husbands and wives must communicate with hearts prepared and pure.
It is so very important for you to understand this principle: the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart.
Listen to the words of Christ beginning in Luke 6:43: “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:43–45, ESV).
Are you struggling to controle your words? Then check your heart!
The same principle is communicated in the James 3 passage that was read at the beginning of this sermon.
James draws attention to the power that it is in the tongue. Though a very small part of our body, the tongue has great power. Like a bit that controls the direction of a powerful horse, like the the small rudder which steers a great ship, and like a small spark which sets a forrest ablaze, so the tongue, though very small has the power to do great harm or great good. The way we use our tongue in many ways determines the course of our life.
James also points out that tongue is the hardest thing of all to control. He says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body” (James 3:1–2, ESV). And again in verse 7, “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With our tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:7–10, ESV).
And why is it that we have such a hard time controlling the tongue? How can it be that we spew forth such evil and poison with our words? How can in be that in one moment we use or tongue to bless God and the next we use the same tongue to curse men made in the image of God? James agrees with Jesus. It is the heart that is the problem. “Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice” (James 3:11–16, ESV).
A fresh water spring will produce fresh water, fig tree will produce figs, and a heart that is pure and well prepared will manifest itself in purity of speech, “for out of the abundance of the heart [the] mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45, ESV).
Prepare your hearts, brothers and sisters. Do this daily. But especially do it prior to confronting someone concerning sin. “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5, ESV)
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Conclusion
Dear friends, let us resolve to communicate well with one another.
Let our communication be driven and governed by our love for God and for one another.
Let us learn to listen well.
And let us learn to speak well.
Above all let us live with hearts that are pure and well prepared, “for out of the abundance of the heart [the] mouth speaks”.
The health of our marriages depend largely upon the health of our communication.
If we hope to have healthy and God honoring marriages we must learn to love one another ion our listening and in our speech.
Posted inSermons, Joe Anady, Genesis 2:24-25, Posted by Joe.
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“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: 1 Peter 3:1-7
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:1–7, ESV)
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Introduction
In this sermon we are again asking the question, how can we have successful and God honoringmarriages? In the previous sermon all of the focus was on the role of the husband. Husbands are to lovingly lead their wives. A husbands love for his wife is to be like Christ’s love for the church. His love is to beunconditional, sacrificial, purifying, selfless, affectionate, understanding, and affirming. Christ loves the church with this kind of love. Husbands are to love their wives in imitation of their Savior. Today our attention turns to the wives.
Before we go there I should say that although only a portion of the congregation is being directly addressed in this sermon and in the previous one, all should be able to apply the principles that have been and will be communicated. I think you are doing this naturally. Someone did approach me after the sermon last week and said, “though I am not married, I had my relationship with my mother in mind the entire time. I need to love her with an unconditional, sacrificial, purifying, selfless, affectionate, understanding, and affirming love”.These principles, though they are being delivered to husbands in regard to their relationship with their wives, and to wives in regard to their relationship with their husbands, are truly applicable to all. For example, parents should love their children with an unconditional, sacrificial, purifying, selfless, affectionate, understanding, and affirming love. Christians should love their brothers and sisters in Christ with an unconditional, sacrificial, purifying, selfless, affectionate, understanding, and affirming love. Certainly the love that a husband is to have for his wife is special and, in some respects, unique. But love is love. All Christians are to love others with the love of Christ.
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I. Wives are to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord.
We know that husbands are called by God to lovingly lead their wives as Christ has loved the church. But what is therole that wives are to take in the marriage relationship? The answer is that wives are to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord.
This principle is clearly communicated in 1 Peter 3:1-7. There we find the words, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives” (1 Peter 3:1, ESV). Wives, we are told, are to “be subject” to their own husbands. And in verse 5 of the same passage we read, “For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:5–6, ESV). Wives are to “submit to their own husbands”, we are told.
The Greek word translated as “be subject” in 1 Peter 3:1 is ὑποτάσσομαι and it has this basic meaning: “to submit to the orders or directives of someone—‘to obey, to submit’”. And it is the same Greek word that is behind the phrase, “by submitting” in verse 5 – “For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.” Also, notice that Sarah is put forth as an example of one of those “holy women” who adorned themselves with a “gentle and quiet spirit”. Sarah, we are told, “hoped in God” and therefore “did not fear anything that is frightening” when she “obeyed Abraham, calling him lord”. What does it mean, therefore, for a wife to “be subject” to her husband and “to submit” to him? It means that she is to honor and respect him as her head or “lord” and is to obey him in all things.
I’ve put the matter rather bluntly for a reason. Of course, more needs to be said about a wife’s submission. This call for a wife’s submission does need to be qualified. It is true, for example, that a husband should honor his wife and cherish her opinion while making decisions so that, in most instances, decisions are made together. And indeed, there are limitations to a wife’s submission. More needs to be said about this issue, and more will be said. But I am afraid that in our culture we are too quick to dismiss the clear and plain teaching of scripture on this subject. We are tempted to avoid it or to brush it to the side. We are quick to go immediately to the task of limiting or qualifying the call for a wife’s submission. We are quick to say, “Ya, well certainly the scriptures do not mean this or that when they say to the wife, ‘be subject’…” Or sometimes we run immediately to those hypotheticals, saying, “but what about when… is a wife still called to submit when…” What I am saying is that while these is certainly more that needs to be said concerning the submission of a wife to her husband, it is important that we first allow the clear and unambiguous teaching of scripture to stand. What role is the wife called to take in the marriage relationship? She is to be subject to her husband, submitting to him in all things.
1 Peter 3 is not the only place where this teaching appears. Paul addresses husbands and wives in Colossians 3:18 where he says, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:18–19, ESV). Here in this text the role of husband and wife is stated most succinctly. It is fitting, or right and proper, that a husband love his wife and that a wife submit to her husband.
We find similar words in Ephesians 5 in that passage that we considered last week. In verses 22 we read, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:22–24, ESV). Notice that in this text Paul says that wives are to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord”. And again in verse 24, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands”. The wife is to submit to her husband in the same way that the church is to submit to Christ – in all things. This does not mean that a husband should micromanage his wife, but it does mean that he is to be honored as the head in all things, for he is the one who is responsible before God for his wife and family in all things.
Before we go any further it is important to recognize that “submission” does not mean “less significant” or “of lesser worth”. We see this principle on display throughout society. Children are to submit to their parents showing honor to them by virtue of their position of authority, but they are not less significant or of lesser worth. Citizens are to submit to those who govern showing honor to them by virtue of their position of authority, but they are not less significant or of lesser worth. When a wife is called by God to submit to her husbands it is not because she is less significant, of lesser worth, or of lesser ability. It is because of the order that God established at the beginning within the marriage relationship.
We even see this principle of submission on display in what the scriptures reveal to us concerning the Triune God. The scriptures reveal that in order to accomplish our salvation the Son of God submits to the Father, and the Spirit of God submits to the Father and the Son. This is significant. Within the Triune God we find the principle of subordination on display. Clearly, “submission” does not mean “less significant” or of “lesser worth”, for Father, Son and Holy Spirit are “the same in essence, equal in power and glory” (BC, Question 9).
Consider 1 Corinthians 11:3 which says, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3, ESV). Even Christ lives under the authority of another, namely God. And every husband lives under the authority of another, namely God and Christ. And every wife lives under the authority of another, namely God and Christ and her husband. When a wife submits to her husband, she ultimately is found living in submission to the Lord as she lives in obedience to him, and in reliance upon him.
What does it look like for a wife to submit to her husband?
A wife submits to her husband she looks to him as her head, allows him to lead in every area of life, seeks to help him fulfill his calling, and shows him honor and respect within the home and within the community.
As I have said before, this does not mean that a husband should micromanage his wife. Nor does this mean that the wife should have no say in family decisions. Ideally, a husband will trust his wife and will give her great freedom to use her God-given abilities to manage her responsibilities wisely (Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage, 97).
I do wonder what kind of wife people envision when they hear teaching like this on submission. Do they envision a woman who is weak, incapable and oppressed? Do they envision a woman who is controlled by her husband, free only to follow his every command?I certainly hope not! In fact we should expect that a godly woman who submits to her husband in all things will be strong, capable, wise and highly esteemed by her husband. We should expect that a submissive wife will have great freedom do choose and to do as she sees fit. It is possible, and may I add preferable, that as a wife learns to truly honor her husband as head, the husbands will grow in his esteem for her and will gladly give her freedom to run as she fulfills God’s calling for her life.
This is terrible what I am about to do. Rarely do I use illustrations, and I am about to use a football illustration in a sermon directed towards wives (even that sounded rather sexist, didn’t it?). Tell me, who is more valuable to a football team, the quarterback or the coach? It’s hard to say, isn’t it? Who has more freedom?nWell, they both have freedom don’t they, but of a different kind. And who is more impactful to the outcome of a game? Also, hard to say? But when I ask, who is to submit to who? the answer should be clear. The quarterback is ultimately to submit to the will of the coach.
When I think of a wife properly submitting to her husband I do not think of the kind of submission that a small child is to have before his parents, but instead the the kind of submission that a pro bowl quarterback should have before his coach, or a gifted manager before the owner of the company.
Before we move on I would like to read you that famous description of an excellent wife found in Proverbs 31. And as I read this description of an excellent wife ask yourself, does this sound like a woman who is weak, incapable and oppressed by a controllingby her husband, or one who is trusted, highly esteemed, and free?
“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates” (Proverbs 31:10–31, ESV).
Wives are to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord. This they are to do in all things. This they are to do, not on the basis of their husbands worthiness, but in obedience to the command of God.
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II. Wives are to take the position of helper.
Secondly, notice that the woman was created by God in the beginning to take the position of a helper. Therefore, the command for wives to be subject to their husbands is rooted, not in culture, but in creation. I will keep this point brief given that I expanded upon a similar point regarding the headship of the husband in last weeks sermon. When Paul says, wives “submit to your husbands as to the Lord”, he is not saying “this is how we do things in our culture”, this is how God designed the marriage relationship to function from the beginning.
In the creation narrative we learn that Adam was formed first, and then Eve. And when the time came for the creation of Eve God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18, ESV). Eve was created to be Adam’s helper. Wives are to come alongside their husbands as helpers.
A wise and godly wife will recognize that an important part of her responsibility is to come alongside her husband to help him to thrive in whatever it is that the Lord has called him too.
Listen to Newheiser. He says, “this can be done through wise counsel and encouragement. She will work hard to make their home a place of joy and refuge for him, too (Titus 2:5). A wife has a very powerful influence over her husband, which can be used either for good or for evil. Few men can refuse to do what their wives want, even when they are wrong (see Gen. 3:6; 16:2). Conversely, a wife’s respect and affirmation are a powerful motivator. A godly wife ‘does him good and not evil all the days of her life’ (Prov. 31:12). Proverbs 31 implies that the husband of this excellent wife is successful, has an excellent reputation, and sits with the elders of the city because of the kind of wife God has given him (v. 23).”
Wives are to take the position of helper.
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III. Wives should submit to their husbands even when it is difficult.
Thirdly, it must be said that wives should submit to their husbands even when it is difficult.
Our sin makes a mess of everything, doesn’t it? Why is this teaching about headship and submission within marriage so difficult for us to swallow? Is it not because of sin? I think most would agree that if we imagine Adam and Eve living in paradise before sin entered the world this teaching about headship and submission does not seem difficult, but is in fact quite beautiful. Imaging Adam in his upright state perfectly loving and leading Eve as her head. And imagine Eve in her upright state perfectly submitting to Adam as his helper.
I hope that you would agree that this order of male headship and female submission is not in and of itself difficult or distasteful. It is difficult, and some even find it distasteful because of our sin. Truth be told, some wives make it very difficult for their husbands to lovingly lead because of their sin. And some husbands make it very difficult for their wives to lovingly submit because of their sin. Furthermore, some men have a very difficult time leading in a loving way because of the sin that is in their own heart. And some women have a very difficult time submitting to their husbands in love because of the sin in their own hearts. Put more simply, the order of male headship female submission would not be difficult for us or seem distasteful to us were it not for sin. If we were not in sin we would not gripe at the suggestion that husbands and wives should both lay down their lives and live for the good of one another.
In Genesis 3 we are told of Adam’s fall into sin. And there in that same passage we also hear God’s curse pronounced upon the servant, the woman and finally the man. Of particular importance to our topic today is the curse that God pronounced upon the woman. “To the woman he said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you (Genesis 3:16, ESV).”
I grew up reading the NKJV. Here is how it translates the second half of Geneses 3:16: “Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16, NKJV). The question we are left with is what does it mean for a wive’s desire to be “for” her husband. And what does it mean that the husband will “rule over” his wife.
We should remember that these words are words of judgment. God is saying, this is how things will be because you have chosen to rebel against my word and to go your own way. Whatever is communicated here, it is not good, but is a distortion of God’s original design for the marriage relationship. Put differently, it is only because our sin ands rebellion that a wife now has a “desire for” her husband, and that the husband will “rule over” his wife.
I think the ESV’s translation of Genesis 3:16 is good when it says, “your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” I think the NET’s translation is even better when it says, “You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you” (Genesis 3:16, NET). That, I think, is the sense of the verse. According to God’s design the husband is to lovingly lead his wife, and the wife is to lovingly submit to her husband. But here is the natural order of things now that we have fallen into sin: the wife will wrongly seek to control her husband, and the husband will wrongly attempt to dominate his wife.
Sin – the first sin of Adam, and our personal sin – messes everything up. It is now very hard for a man to lovingly lead, and it is also very hard for a wife to submit. But in Christ it is possible. That which was lost in the fall of the first Adam is restored by the finished work of the second Adam, Christ Jesus our Lord. We have been renewed in him. Our guilt has been taken away, and the power of sin has been broken. God is now at work in us to sanctify us by his word and Spirit. And I am convinced that God uses the marriage relationship to sanctify his people profoundly. It is in marriage that a man and woman learn to love one another selflessly with the love of Christ.
What should a Christian wife do if she is married to a man who makes submission very hard? The answer is that she should do her part. Wives should submit to their husbands even when it is difficult. Her impulse will be to control her husband, to manipulate his behavior, to self-protect. But this is not God’s will for her. A wife should lovingly submit to her husband even when it is hard. She should be like Sarah who trusted in God and did not fear anything that it frightening when she submitted to Abraham, calling him lord, despite his significant weaknesses and shortcomings.
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IV. There are limitations to a wife’s submission.
Fourth, it must be said that there are limitations to a wife’s submission.
If a husband asks the wife to do or say something that is contrary to God’s law, it is right for the wife to refuse.
If a husband is forbidding the wife to do that which God’s law requires, it is right for the wife to disobey her husbands.
If a husband is abusive the wife should remove herself from the situation. Though he may choose to stay in the home, the abusive man has abandoned his wife by his thorough violation of the marriage covenant.
Great care needs to be taken here. It is easy for someone who wants out of a marriage relationship to level the charge of abuse against their spouse. I have witnessed both husbands and wives claim that their spouse is abusive so as to have grounds for divorce. Upon closer examination it became clear that there was no abuse, only a difficult and unhappy marriage. A difficult and unhappy marriage is not grounds for divorce, but abuse is.
Lastly, if a husband is unfaithful to his wife she does not sin by divorcing him.
There are limitations to a wife’s submission.
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V. A wife’s submission is voluntary.
Fifthly, it should be said that a wife’s submission is voluntary.
I suppose there is a twofold exhortation in this point, one for the wives and one for the husbands.
Wives, how important it is for you to simply decide to honor your husbands in this way. At some point you simply need to choose to do it.
Husbands, you cannot make your wives submit. If your wife is disrespectful to you and unwilling to follow your lead the way to change her is not through domineering behavior, but through love. Your wife must won, brothers. Husbands, love your wives. Pray for them. Live with them in an understanding way. Yes, confront their sin! But do it with kindness. Love them with the love of Christ. Brothers, how did Christ bring you to the place of submission to himself? How did bring you the place of calling him Lord? Did he not gently woo you? Did he not draw you to himself with his love? Did he not win you so that you offered up your submission willingly?
A wife’s respect and loving submission should be won, for her submission must be offered up voluntarily.
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VI. God may use a wife’s submission change her husband.
Sixthly, it is important to reminder that God may use a wife’s submission to change her husband.
If a husband is living sinfully it is right for a wife to desire that he change for the good. The question is how to best bring about that change.
The worldly wife will seek to change her husband through nagging, withdrawing, withholding, threatening, and other manipulative tactics. The godly wife will seek to change her husband by her respectful and pure conduct.
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” (1 Peter 3:1–2, ESV)
Notice that I did not say that a wife’s submission will win her husband, only that a wife’s submission may win him. Why then should a wife be respectful to her husband if it is not a guaranteed method to bring about transformation? She is to do it, not because it is effective, but because it is right. The will of the Lord is that wives submit to their husbands. And God may use a wife’s submission to change her husband.
Wives, lovingly submit to your husbands and pray for them. It may be thatGod uses your respectful and pure conduct to win your husband. God may still win your husbands even if you choose the way of worldly manipulation, but he will win him in spite of you and not through you. If you wish to be used by God to win your husband, live a respectful and pure life before him, and pray for him always.
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VII: A word to single women: marry in the Lord.
Seventhly, and lastly, I have a brief word to the single women who hope to marry in the future. Sisters, marry in the Lord. Be resolved to marry a man who has made a credible profession of faith and shows evidence of pursuing true holiness in Christ Jesus.
When you say “I do” on that wedding day you agreeing to sit in the passenger seat of the marriage as you allow your husband to lead. Choose to marry someone who will drive responsibly. How important it is to marry in the Lord! How important it is to marry someone who has truly surrendered themselves to the authority of God in Christ Jesus.
Some women, I am afraid, are too picky when choosing a spouse. They are waiting for Mr. Perefect to stroll along. Sisters, he doesn’t exist! But others are far too naive. They are willing to marry the first thing that shows interest in them.
Sisters, marry someone who seems to be true Christ follower, one who is interested in growing in the knowledge of the Lord, in holiness and in grace, one who is willing to lead you in Christ Jesus according to the word of God.
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Conclusion
In conclusion, what is the wives role in the marriage relationship? She is to submit to her husband in the Lord. She is to take the position of “helper”. She is to submit even when it is difficult, entrusting herself ultimately to God. There are limitations, of course, and these have been stated. A wives submission must be voluntary. And do not forget wive’s, the Lord may use your submission to change your husbands. Finally, if you are single now and wish to marry in the future, be sure to marry in the Lord.
Posted inSermons, Joe Anady, 1 Peter 3:1-7, Genesis 2:24-25, Posted by Joe.
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“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: Ephesians 5:22–33
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:22–33, ESV)
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Introduction
In the previous sermon we began to address the question, how can we have a successful and God honoringmarriage? Three answers were given: One, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Two, a husband and wife must learn to extend mercy and grace to one another in Christ Jesus. And three, a husband and wife must be long suffering. These three answers were directed towards both the husband and wife. A marriage will be healthy if both the husband and wife decided to love one another, extend grace to one another, and are long suffering.
In this sermon we are again asking the question, how can we have a successful and God honoringmarriage?, but the focus will be upon the particular role that husbands play in the marriage relationship according to the scriptures. Yes, there are general principles that must be applied by both the husband and the wife – both are to love, extend grace, be long suffering, etc. But the scriptures are also clear that husbands have a particular role to play within the marriage. How should we go about building successful and God honoringmarriages? One, husbands must love their wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. Next week we will turn our attention to the wives and say, wives must submit to their own husbands as to the Lord.
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I. Husbands, Love Your Wives Just As Christ Also Loved The Church And Gave Himself Up For Her
Today our focus is on husbands.
The scriptures are clear that husbands are to take the lead within the marriage relationship. A husband is to view himself as responsible for the wellbeing of his wife and family, for this is how God views him. The husband is to do everything in his power to care for his wife and children physically, emotionally and spiritually (the words “in his power” are important, for there are some things that are beyond our control).
This principle is clearly communicated in Ephesians 5:23 which says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (Ephesians 5:23, ESV). Paul says something similar in 1 Corinthians 13:3 where he writes, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3, ESV). The idea being communicated here is that the husband has authority within the marriage and the home. It is not absolute authority. God and Christ have authority over the husband. But the husband does have authority within the home. Put differently, husbands have a responsibility to lovingly lead their wives and their families in all things.
Now before we progress any further it should be noticed that this order of things is rooted, not in culture, but in creation. In others words, this statement, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” is based, not upon the cultural norms of Paul’s day, but upon God’s design for the marriage relationship established at creation.
There are many even within the church today who would claim that the words of the Apostle Paul concerning male headship in the home do not apply to us today. And how do these so called “Bible believing Christians” defend their position? They claim that Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 11 simply reflect the predominate view of the culture in which Paul lived. According to their view this order involving male headship is not to be taken as timeless and unchanging, but has changed with the evolution of culture. A hallmark of liberal and progressive theology is the expectation that religion will and, more than that, ought to evolve over time. In their view our culture has progressed beyond the chauvinistic and misogynistic culture of Paul’s day, and is therefore to be preferred.
At least two things should be said in response to this view.
First of all, the scriptures do not in any way promote chauvinism or misogyny, but insist that men and women stand before God on equal footing. Both males and females are made in God’s image. They are equal in worth. The same Apostle who said,“For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” also said, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28, ESV). Viewed from thestandpoint of our worth and our position before God in Christ, there is no distinction between men and women. If we had the time it would not be difficult to demonstrate that Jesus himself had a view of women that was radically different from the one the was predominate within his culture. He honored women. And much could also be said concerning the prominent role that women played within the early church and the respect that was shown to them. It is in fact ignorant to claim that the scriptures, Old Testament or New, promote chauvinism or misogyny. They simply do not.
Secondly, the words of the Apostle concerning male headship are rooted, not in cultural norms, but in the order of creation. Are there some things described in the Bible that are cultural? Are there some instances where, upon studying a passage of scripture, it is right for us to say, “well, that was how they did things then, but we do things differently now, and that is okay”? Yes, of course! But we must prove that a thing was merely cultural, or that it was unique to the Old Covenant and is not for the New, before we disregard it. Some, I am afraid, disregard the clear teaching of scripture by using the excuse, “that was for then, but times are different now” while offering up no evidence at all for the thing being rooted in culture. The end result is that many truths that are in fact timeless and unchanging – truths that are meant to be believed and obeyed by the people of God in every generation – are carelessly thrown into the trash, and the results are devastating.
When Paul says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” he is not saying, “this is how we do things in our culture”. Instead he is saying, this should be true of every marriage – particularly Christian marriages – in every time and placebecause this is how God designed marriage to be. The marriage relationship was designed why God to function as a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. The husband is to be to the wife what Christ is to the church, and the wife is to be to the husband what the church is to Christ. This is not a cultural phenomenon, but is God’s design for marriage established at creation.
In 1 Timothy 2 Paul addresses the role that men and women are to take within the church. What we find is that the role of men and women within the church mirrors the role of husband and wife in the home. It is the men who are to take the lead ands have authority in the home and in the church. Now, this is not a sermon about the role of men and women in the church, but I hope you are at least able to see the connection. And notice how Paul argues for male leadership within the church. Again, he does not argue from culture, but from creation, when he says, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet [as it pertains to teaching, I take it]. For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (1 Timothy 2:12–13, ESV). Much can be said about this, but for now notice that Paul roots his teaching concerning the roles of men and women within the church, not in culture, but in creation when he says, “for Adam was formed first, then Eve.” In essence he says, this is how things should be because this is how God designed it to be. Adam was formed first. Adam was the one responsible to keep the covenant. Adam was appointed to be thefederal head or representative for all. Adam was to lead Eve, he was to guard her and protect her, and Eve was to be a help to him. This was God’s design at creation.
As I am saying all of this you are probably thinking to yourself, I know the story of the fall of man as recorded in Genesis 3. Didn’t the opposite of this happen? Didn’t the serpent approach Eve first? Wasn’t Adam absent? Didn’t Eve, instead of being a help to Adam, serve at the agent by which the temptation came to him? Yes! And that is the point. God designed Adam to function as the head of Eve, and for Eve to be his helper, but the opposite is what came to be. The man and the women decided to do things their own way. Indeed, this is what is at the heart of all our sin. We sin when we disregard God’s word and decide to go our way.
What does God’s word say concerning the proper role of the husband in the marriage relationship? God’s word says, “the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…” The husband is to lead, therefore, just as a Christ leads his people. The husband is responsible for the wellbeing of his wife, just as Christ took responsibility for the wellbeing of his people. The husband is to do everything in his power to care for his wife physically, emotionally and spiritually.The husband has authority over his wife and family, just as Christ has authority over his church. “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…”
I do sympathize with those in the worldwho shutter and cringe upon hearing the words, “the husband has authority over his wife and family, just as Christ has authority over his church”. I sympathize with them because I understand how easy and common it is for this principle of male headship to be misunderstood, misused, and even abused within marriage and family.
Is it true that the husband is head of the wife, and that the husband has authority within the home? Yes, we confess this is true. But what do sinful men often do with their God given authority? It is not uncommon for men to either neglect it or abuse it.
Many are negligent, irresponsible and even absent.
Some are domineering, oppressive, and even abusive.
This is the what many have experienced, and so it is no wonder that they have a more difficult time warmly receiving the words of scripture, “for the husband is the head of the wife”.
What we are proposing is that in Christ it is possible for a husband to lovingly lead. Authority and self-sacrificing love are not contrary to one another. In fact they should fit together hand in glove. Anytime a person is given authority, be it as a husband, a parent, a boss, or as an officer within Christ’s church, that authority should be characterized by self sacrificing love.
Do you remember what Jesus said to his disciples when talking about the issue of wielding authority? Jesus called his disciples to himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many’” (Matthew 20:25–28, ESV).
This is how the Christian is to wield authority, whatever authority it happens to be – the Christian is to lead as a servant. The Christian is to govern by laying their lives down for the good of those they govern. Though it might be true that the Christian has first place in some realm, be it in the home, in the work place, in government, or in the church, he or she is to make the wellbeing of those who are under their authority their highest priority, and they are to serve. This is what Christ did for us. “The Son of Man [who has authority over all] came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:25–28, ESV).
When the scriptures say that the husband is head of the wife, this is the thing that is envisioned – a husband who lovingly leads his wife and family with the heart of a servant being ever mindful of the fact that his authority is not ultimate, but that he himselflives under the authority of God.
Notice that in the Ephesians 5 passage husbands are called the “head of the wife” in verse 23, but in verse 25 they are commanded to “love”. Husbands are not commanded be the head of the wife, for this they are by virtue of the marriage covenant itself. But they are commanded to love. In others words, if you are a husband then you are the head of your wife and family. God views you as the one responsable for them. It is not something that you have a say in. A husband simply is the head of the wife, even if he does not realize it or act like it. But in verses 25 a command is delivered. So here is something that husbands must choose to do. A husband must choose to love his wife.
Verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:25–30, ESV)
Husbands are to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved church. The question that husbands should now ask themselves is, how did Christ love the church? If I am to love my wife in the same way that Christ loved the church then I must know something of the way that Christ loved the church if I hope to imitate him in the marriage relationship.
I have seven observations about Christ’s love for the church and its implications for the Christian husband. I will move through them rather quickly. I should also say that if you were to pick up Jim Newheiser’s book, “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage” and open to chapter 12 you would notice that these seven points are the seven headings of that chapter.
First of all, husbands should love their wives unconditionally.
It should be remembered that when we are talking about love we are speaking, not of emotion primarily, but action. To love is to do good to another. Love does often involve feelings of affection, but affection is the fruit of love, not the root.
And what is unconditional love? It is love that is given without condition. It is love extended to another without requiring the one being loved to earn it or merit it in any way.
Ask yourself this question at a later time – is my love for my wife conditional or unconditional? In other words, do you love your wife only when she seems lovely to you, or do you love her irregardless of her loveliness? I would suggest to you that our love for others is often conditional love. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”, we say. Or I’ll love you so long as you love me. Or I love you provided that you are lovely.
But this is not how Christ loved us. Christ’s love for the church was and is unconditional. We did not earn Christ’s love at the beginning, nor must we earn it now that we are in Christ. Christ’s love for his church – that is, for all who are elect in Christ Jesus – is not conditioned upon anything within there creature, but is freely given. Aren’t you thankful that God’s love for us in Christ is unconditional? Those who understand the severity of their sin will admit that they could never earn God’s love. Thankfully, Christ has loved us unconditionally. “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:6–8, ESV).
Conditional love will probably work just fine in the during engagement or on the honeymoon, but it will not make for a healthy and happy marriage. Truth be told, we are not always lovely. And if our love is conditioned upon the loveliness of our spouse, then we will find it difficult to love for the long haul. Remember the marriage vows. Did you not promise before God and man to love your spouse in sickness and health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow as long as you both shall live? Truth be told, your spouse will change over time. Some of those changes will indeed be lovely changes, but some changes might be less than lovely. Our physical appearances change over time. Our personalities changes. Our physical heath might deteriorate. So too our mental health mighty deteriorate. Life has its ups and downs. Life is not always lovely. If our love is conditional, it will not endure in the face of difficulty. But if it is unconditional, our love for our spouse will thrive in good times and in bad.
This is there love that God has for us in Christ Jesus. This is the kind of love that a husband is to have for his wife – unconditional love.
Secondly, husbands should love their wives sacrificially.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV), the text says. If a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church he must lay his life down for her.
Brothers, this is not about taking a bullet for your wife. This is more about cleaning up after breakfast for her. This is not about pushing her off the tracks as the speeding train approaches. This is about choosing to speak to her kindly even if she has been rude to you. This is what it looks like for a husband to give himself up for his wife – he is die to himself daily, cloth himself with the garb of a servant, and live for her good.
Frankly, in some ways it would be easier to lay down your life in a moment of heroism than to lay it down daily in humble, servant hearted, self-sacrificing devotion. Heroic acts, though very good in and of themselves, do agree with our pride. But in order to daily lay your lifedown in humble, servant hearted, self-sacrificing devotion, you must put sinful pride to death. That is hard for men to do.
Christ did it. He humbled himself to the point of death. And so should we if we are in Christ Jesus. Husbands, “have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:5–8, ESV). Husbands should love their wives sacrificially.
Thirdly, husbands should love their wives with a purifying love.
Brothers, your wife’s faith and her growth in Christ is your responsibility. Now I am not denying that it is ultimately God who must give your wife the gift of faith and grow her up in it by the power of the Spirit. Nor am I denying that your wife has responsibility in the matter – she must choose to believe upon Christ and follow hard after him. What I am saying is that you also are responsible.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25–27, ESV).
Christ loved the church with a purifying love. He did not love us because we were lovely. He loved us to make us lovely. And husbands are to love their wives in this way. Husbands are to love their wives seeking always their sanctification in Christ Jesus.
Husbands, are you praying for and with your wives?
Are you ministering the word to them?
Are you encouraging them to regularly partake of the ordinary means of grace?
Are you promoting their love for God above all things?
Husbands should love their wives with a purifying love.
Fourthly, husbands should love their wives as themselves.
Christ summarized the whole law of God with these words: love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And secondly, love your neighbor as your self. Husbands, your wife is your closest neighbor. You are to love her as you love yourself.
Notice the observations that Paul makes in Ephesians 5. When a husband loves his wife, he truly does bless himself given the one flesh union that exists between man and wife. “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’” (Ephesians 5:28–31, ESV).
Husband, do you want to be blessed in life? Then love your wife! Pour yourself into her. Cherish her. Build her up. Encourage her. Labor to provide for her every need – physical, emotional and spiritual. Trust me brother, this will come back to you tenfold. “He who loves his wife loves himself”, given that you are in one flesh union with the women,. To bless her is to bless yourself.
Fifthly, husbands should love their wives with an affectionate love.
I have insisted that love is not an emotion in this series. I think it is important that this be stressed given that in our culture love is often mistaken for an emotion. Love is an action, a way of life, a choice that we make. This is why the scriptures command us to love – love is something we can choose to do. It is not an emotional state that we fall into and out of.
There are times when we must love out of duty. When a person loves an enemy he or she loves out of duty. Sometimes a spouse might seem to be an enemy. But brothers, our wives need more than to be dutifully loved. Husbands should love their wives with an affectionate love.
The marriage covenant is a covenant of companionship. When the marriage is healthy and husband and wife should consider one another friends. Romance should be present within the marriage. A husband should strive to be emotionally connected with his wife. He should rejoice over her. He should love here with an affectionate love.
Affection can be cultivated, friends. When a husband chooses to gives thanks to God for his wife, his affections for her grows. When a husband prays for his wife, his affection for her grows. When a husband chooses to show love to his wife, his affection for her grows. When a husband treats his wife with kindness and respect, his affection for her grows. When a husband praises his wife with his words and express his love and appreciation for her, his affection for her grows.
Love is not the same as affection, but our love should be affectionate. Be tender to your wives, men. Invest into her emotionally.
Sixthly, husbands should love their wives with an understanding love.
Men will often joke that they cannot understand their wives. Truth be told, if a man cannot understand his wife it is probably because he has not tried very hard.
Certainly we know that it is not impossible for a husband to understand his wife, for this is what God expects of husbands. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV). Are you telling me that God’s word is here commanding us to do that which is impossible? Is God really threatening us with hindered prayers if we fail to do that which is exceedingly difficult? No! It seem much more reasonable to think that this command to “live with your wives in an understanding way” is something that is very doable. Every Christian man is capable of it. In fact, if you are not doing it, it because you have have chosen not to do it, which is why your prayers will be hindered according to the Lord. Husbands must seek to understand their wives.
Brother, do you know your wife? Do you understand her strengths and weakness? Do you know what brings her joy and what causes her to fear? Do you know what makes her feel secure? Can you discern when she is struggling spiritually and emotionally? Do you know what makes her feel loved? Do you live with her in an understanding way?
Notice that Peter refers to wives as a weaker vessel. I have pointed out before that the wife is the weaker vessel, in part, because of the position that she has been asked to take within the marriage, namely, one of submission to her husband. The other reality is that women are called weaker vessels because they tend to be more delicate and fragile when compared to men. They are more delate physically, and they tend to be more delicate emotionally. Men should never take advantage of this, but instead they should live with them in an understanding way, show honor to them, and handle them as they would a precious and delicate vessel.
Seventhly, and lastly, husbands should love their wives with an affirming love.
Let me simply read a quotation from Newheiser’s book, “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage” tomake this final point.
“Many husbands are very critical. They manage their homes by exception, ignoring what is done right, while carefully pointing out ways their wives fall short of their expectations. Constant criticism is like a cancer that eats away at a marriage. In contrast, the husband in Proverbs 31 praises his wife, saying, “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all” (v. 29). Your wife is not perfect, but neither are you. Make every effort to affirm to her the good that God is doing for you and others through her. Ray Ortlund writes, ‘Deep in the heart of every wife is the self-doubt that wonders, ‘Do I please him? Am I whats he dreamed of and longed for? Will he love me to the end? Am I safe with this man I married? Will he cast me off? Even if we go the distance will he get tired of me?’ A wise husband will understand that that uncertainty, that question, is way down deep in his wife’s heart. And he will spend his life speaking into it gently and tenderly communicating it to her in many ways, ‘Darling, you are the one I want. I cherish you. I rejoice over you as no other… I love the thought of growing old together with you, hand in hand all the way. I will hold you close to my heart until my dying day’” (Newheiser, 92).
Husbands should love their wives with an affirming love.
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Conclusion
Brothers, in short it is time that we man up and love our wives as Christ loved the church. Any fool can be an irresponsible husband. Any fool can be a self-centered, domineering, manipulative, authoritarian husband. A Christian husband is the love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for he. This is something that you and I must simply decide to do.
The excuse “this kind of love was not modeledfor me” will not do. It may be that your earthly father did not model it, but your heavenly Father has: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, ESV)
Tell me friend, do you know the love of Christ?
Are you now abiding in the love of Christ, living in ongoing reliance upon his sustaining power?
Then let us love one another as he has loved us to the praise of his glorious grace.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: 1 Corinthians 13:1–8, 13
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends… [Verse 13] So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13, ESV)
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Introduction
Brothers and sisters, this is now the fourth sermon in this series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage. Up to this point we have defined marriage as a “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community”. Also, afew things have been said about entering into marriage: One, to prepare for marriage a person should pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that they think, say and do. Two, they should know what they are looking for in a future spouse while preparing for marriage. For the Christian this means that they should find another Christian (one who is truly a Christian, and not a Christian in name only). And three, a person shouldapproach dating relationships and engagement in a godly way. Today we turn our attention to the topic of having a successful marriage.
As I have said before, our objective is not merely to survive in marriage, but to thrive. Our aim should be to build marriages that thrive so that God beglorified through them. What, therefore,are the keys to building a successful marriage? What are the crucial ingredients for a God honoring and good marriage?
I have three three points. One, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Two, a husband and wife must learn to extend mercy andgrace to one another in Christ Jesus. And three, a husband and wife must be long suffering. Let us now consider these threepoints at a time.
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I. A Husband And Wife Must Learn To Love One Another In Christ Jesus
Firstly, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Christlike love is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.
I am aware that this might sound simplistic to some.
Imagine a couple approaching their pastor saying, “our marriage is in shambles. What do we need to do to make it strong?” And the pastor says, “the two of you really need to love one another.” Put this way, the answer seems simplistic. But may I suggest to you that, though the point be simple, it is far from simplistic. There is, in fact, substance in this answer – there is power in it. Truly, the key to a healthy marriage is love. If a husband and wife hope to have a strong and healthy marriage to the glory of God they must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus.
Pay careful attention to what I am saying.
Notice the word “learn” in this answer. A husband and wife must learn to love one another, I say.
And what is implied by the word “learn”?
Is it not implied that love is something that we must chose to do?
Many assume, I fear, that love is primarily an emotional experience. And I do not deny that there are genuine feelings that come along with sincere love. But we are mistaken when we believe that love is, above all, an emotion. No, in fact, love is an action. It is something that we choose to do. When I say “if a husband and wife hope to have a strong and healthy marriage they must learn to love one another”, this is what I mean. The man and the woman must learn to love. They must learn to treat one another lovingly. They must learn to love one another in thought, word and deed.
When I say that we must learn to love, is it not also implied that love is something that does not come natural to us, but is a way of life that must be developed?
And here is where the theological liberals and progressives get all bent out of shape. Many in our culture imagine that man is basically good from birth, and that man knows how to love naturally. This theory is disproven by the word of God and by the world around us. I will not deny it, men and women do naturally have the ability to feel feelings that we often associate with love. From a young age we know what it is to feel attraction to another, to be infatuated with another, to desire and even lust after another. But this is not love. In fact many of these emotions that we feel have more to do with our own desire for gratification than desiring the good of the other. We are not talking about feelings that we often associate with being in love, but action – selfless action done for the good of another. This, I am saying, does not come natural to us given our sinful and selfish propensities, but is something that must be acquired. Love is something we must learn to do in Christ Jesus. It is a way of life that must be cultivated and developed.
The word of God is clear that we do not by nature love aright. An observation of the world around us also proves it.
Do we have affections by nature? Do we feel feeling of fondness towards other people and things naturally? The answer is, yes we do! We naturally set the affections of our heart on other people and things. This is something that we do constantly. What is the problem then? The problem is that our affections are bent out of shape by the sin which ours by birth. We by nature set our affections on things that we should not have affection for – that whichis evil. Or sometimes we set our affections on things that are good but in an inordinate way. By that I mean certain persons or things might indeed be worth of our affection, but not to such a high degree. Parents do this with their children all the time. Is it right that we have affection for our children? Of course it is right! But let us beware of making our children little gods within our hearts. There is a kind of affection that is appropriate for God, and there is a kind of affection that is appropriate for creaturely things, even our own children. The same can be said for every other thing in this world – food and drink, the beauty of nature, learning, physical fitness, rest, our spouse. These are all good things that are worthy of our affections, but only to a degree and within their proper place. Let us be sure that our affections are set on the right things. And let us also be sure that they are orderly.
I mighty also ask, do we have the capacity to love by nature? Do we have the ability to make choices and to live for other people and things. Again, the answer is yes! We being by nature free creatures and having the ability to act upon choice are certainly able to love. We have the capacity to feel affections towards people and things (this has already been addressed), and we also have the ability to devote ourselves to those people and things. Some love football, for example. They feel affection for the sport, and they also devote themselves to it. They spend their time thinking about it. They are religious in their observation of it. They invest their money into it. They love the sport, and their way of life proves it. Again, what is the problem? The problem is that we sometimes set our love upon the wrong things. We love that which is not good and lovely.At other times our love is inordinate. We love things that are good and lovely but in the wrong way.
The word of God testifies to our distorted love and affections, and our observation of the world around us also confirms it. Why all of this talk about our bent out of shape love and affections? It is all to say to that love – that is, good and godly love – is not something that comes natural to us because of our sin. We have affections, but they are by nature disorderly. We love, but the wrong things and in the wrong way. Do not be surprised, therefore, that a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. May I suggest to you that one of the best training grounds for love is the marriage relationship. There two become one, and there in that covenant bond they are to learn to love one another.
Notice also the word “love”.A husband and wife must learn to love one another.
Here it simply needs to be demonstrated that love is an action or way of life.
Yes, love and affections are closely related. And yes it is true, a husband and wife should feel affection for one another. But may I suggest to you that when the scriptures command us to love they are not commanding us to feel affection, but to take action. Love is a way of life.
The 1 Corinthians 13 passage that was read at the beginning of this sermon is perhaps the best known passage on the subject of love. Let me read verses 4-7 again and, as I do, ask yourself the question, is love an emotion or a way of life primarily?
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV)
It should be clear to all that love is an action, or way of life.
When Jesus in John 13:34 commands us saying, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another…” he does not mean feel fondness for one another, but instead treat one another in a loving way. In fact, after saying, ”love one another” Jesus says, “just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Jesus’ disciples are to treat one another in the same way that Christ has treated us. And it is this way of life that the world will take notice of – “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
The world cannot see our affections, but they can see our love, for love is an action. Remember, “love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV).
Friends, love is not something we fall into or out of, it is something that we learn to do.
And notice also the little phrase, “in Christ Jesus”. A husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus.
By this I mean three things:
One, it is Christ Jesus who has demonstrated to us what true love is. Do you want to know what perfect love looks like? Look to Christ! If we are to love well we must love in Christ Jesus, or as he has loved.
Two, it is Christ Jesus who enables us to love through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. By nature we do not love as we ought to love. We love the wrong things (often ourselves), and even when we love the right things, we love them wrongly. This is our condition apart from Christ while in our sin. But in Christ we are renewed by the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. In Christ our heart of stone is turned to flesh. In Christ our hearts that are by nature dead to God are made alive to God. Christenables us to love through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit.
Three, it is Christ Jesus who teaches us to love more and more through the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit. Although you have been made alive by Christ that does not mean your struggle with sin is over. Indeed, there are many sinful corruptions that remain within you and I to war against the Spirit’s work within us. The Spirit has written God’s law on our hearts and is training us to keep God’s law. And what is the summary of God law? To love God with all the heart, soul mind and strength, and to love ones neighbor as oneself.
When I say that a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus,I mean that we must love one anotherjust as Christ has loved us, we must love having been freed by him to love, and we must do so in continual dependence upon him.
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II. A Husband And Wife Must Extend Grace To One Another In Christ Jesus
Secondly, a husband and wife must extend grace to one another in Christ Jesus. Grace is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.
You have just heard me say that husbands and wives must love one another. The question before us now is, what are we to do when our spouse is not loving us as they should? Instead of being patient, they are impatient. Instead of being kind, they are rude. Instead of dying to self they insist on their own way. What if they are irritable and resentful, etc. What is a Christian spouse to do then? The answer is that we must show mercy and grace.
Thew world operates according to the works principle. The law that the world lives by is I will treat you as you deserve. I will be kind to you once you are kind to me. Be rude to me and I will respond in like manner or I will withdraw. I’ll show you love and respect once you love and respect me. This is the law that the world lives by: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But is this how God has dealt with us in Christ Jesus? Has he dealt with us on the basis of our works? Does he make us earn his love? Thankfully not, for he know s that we are incapable of doing so. Instead, it is by grace that we have been saved. It is by grace through faith, and by virtue of the selfless and sacrificial work of Christ that God has brought us into a right relationship with himself. “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:9–10, ESV). Remember that our marriages are to be a picture of God’s love for his people in Christ Jesus.
Oh, how I wish it were so that husbands and wives would love one another perfectly being always patient and kind, and neverarrogant or rude. But friends, you and I both know that the most godly among us still struggle with sin. The very best husbands and wives will indeed sin against each other. What then? The answer is that we are to extend mercy and grace.
The scriptures tell us that we are love our enemies. If we are willing to show kindness to our enemies, why not our own spouse when they are being rude to us?
Here the words of Christ in Matthew 5:38:“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:38–41, ESV). This might at first seem like a strange text to site in a sermon on marriage, but it does apply, doesn’t it? By no means am I encouraging husbands or wives to remain in a truly abusive situations, but the principle here is that as Christians we must not be governed by the “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” principle. Instead, when we are struck (metaphorically) speaking, we should should not strike back, but instead turn the other cheek. If this is how we are to respond to those who persecute us in the world, how much more should we be willing to extend grace and mercy to our own spouse when they are failing to love as they out to love.
I have seen this time and time again. A marriage is struggling. Harshness, rudeness, selfishness dominate. The husband and wife are encouraged and instructed to love one another – to be kind and patient, tender and thoughtful. But the couple struggles so badly to change. Why? In part is it because the works principle governs the marriage – mercy and grace is lacking.
Would you turn with me to 1 Peter 3. Peter is speaking to the wives in 1 Peter 3:1 when he says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1–2, ESV). How is a wife to respond to a husband who is failing to obey the word of God? She is to be subject to him. She is to respond by laying down her life for him. She is to be sure that her conduct is respectful and pure. And it will be in this way that her husband is to be won without a word. I do not need to tell you how different this way is from the way of the world. The worldly wife will seek to change her husband, not without a word, but with many words! The Christian wife is to win her husband without a word through her “respectful and pure conduct”. She is to adorn herself, not externally with “the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing [she] wear[s]” but instead she is to adorn herselfwith “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” And then Peter remarks that “this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:3–6, ESV).
This is my very favorite passage to share with a Christian wife who’s husband is ungodly or immature in Christ. I love that Peter mentions Sarah and Abraham. How did Sarah respond to Abraham? How did she adorn herself as his wife? She showed honor to Abraham, even calling him lord. I would image that some would respond to this saying, “ya, but Sarah was married to Abraham, the father of the faith, a godly man.” Sister, have you read the story of Abraham? Have you read of all of his shortcomings? Twice he abandoned Sarah to a King’s haram. He foolishly too Sarah’s servant as a second wife. He was far from perfect. And yes Sarah showed him honor.
I should here say the thing that has been said time and time again in this series. The Bible does permit divorce. Two grounds are given – adultery and abandonment. In these instances divorce is permitted. So there are limitations to what I am here saying. But those issues aside, we must extend grace to one another. We musty learn to show honor even if the other is acting less than honorably.
Notice that Peter says something similar to the husband in verse 7 of the same passage. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV).
What is the principle that ties Peter’s instructions to wives and his instructions to husbands together? What is the principle that stands behind the word “likewise” of verses 1 and 7? Did you notice the word “likewise”? It is the principle of showing honor even to those who mistreat you. Instead of the law of “an eye for an eye” it is law of “love your enemies” that is being put forth here.
In fact, this theme runs from 1 Peter 2:13 all the way through to the end of chapter 3.
Look at 2:13: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people” (1 Peter 2:13–15, ESV).
Look now at 2:18: “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God” (1 Peter 2:18–20, ESV).
Notice the reason that Peter gives for this kind of conduct. Verse 21: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:21–25, ESV)
The “likewise” of verses 1 and 7 of 1 Peter 3 has reference to this gracious way of life. Husbands and wives are not to live according to the “eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” principle, but instead they are to extend grace, showing honor to one another, even if the other is acting less than honorable.
Tell me brother;tell me sister, does the works principle dominate your marriage, or is your marriage infused with grace? Wives, I can tell you from experience that the Spirit of God convicts me most strongly as a husband when my wife responds to my rudeness or irritability with kindness and respect.
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III. A Husband And Wife Must Be Long Suffering In Christ Jesus
Thirdly, and very briefly, if a husband and wife hope to have a successful and God honoring marriage they must be long suffering in Christ Jesus. Patience is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.
Truth be told, many loose hope in their marriages way to soon.
Do you remember what was said in the middle of that that passage on love found in 1 Corinthians 13? It says, “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7, ESV). Brothers and sisters, we need to endure in marriages. We need to persist with hope in our marriages.
What should we do as we persevere in the marriage relationship?
We should be sure to address issues as they arise respectfully and in love.
We should be be gracious and kind to one another while we pursue sanctification in Christ Jesus.
We should focus on ourselves, asking am I walking holy and humbly before God?
And we should pray. Pray, pray, pray.
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Conclusion
Tell me friend, do you know the love of Christ?
Do you know how to love as Christ loves?
Are you merciful and gracious to your spuce?
Are you long suffering?
Posted inSermons, Joe Anady, Genesis 2:24-25, Posted by Joe.
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“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: John 15:1-16
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.” (John 15:1–17, ESV)
Introduction
Brothers and sisters, in this third sermon in this series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage I would like to focus in upon the subject of entering into marriage – how should a person prepare to enter into the marriage relationship? We have already devoted two sermons to answering the question, what is marriage? In the weeks to come we will address the marriage relationship itself as we ask, how can we have a healthy and successful marriage? And finally we will address the difficult and rather unpleasant subject of divorce and remarriage. Truly, the word of God is a light to our feet in all these matters, and so to the word of God we must go. Today, I wish to offer some brief remarks concerning entering into marriage. My objective is to help those who hope to marry in the future to prepare well for marriage beginning even now.
I realize that by introducing this sermon in the way that I have it is possible that some will assume that this sermon will have nothing at all for them.
To those who are young it might seem as if entering into marriage is a long, long way off. To the young I would say, little brother, little sister, time moves very quickly. Your wedding day might be here before you know it. You had better start preparing for it now. So listen up!
Those who are married now might be thinking, how can a sermon on the subject of entering marriage possibly be for me given that I have already entered into it? Let me ask you two questions: One, do you have children, or do you plan to have children? If so, please understand that their wedding day might be here before you know it. One of your responsibilities as a parent is to prepare your children for marriage, whether or not it be the Lord’s will for them. This is something that we must always remember, parents: our objective is not to hold on to our children forever, but to raise them so that we might release them to establish households of their own. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”, the scriptures say. May the Lord use this brief sermon to help parents help their children to prepare will for marriage. Two, if you are married now would you be willing to consider that perhaps in some ways you entered into your marriage ill prepared? I do not want you to be discoursed by this. Instead my desire is that, having recognized what was lacking in the preparation, you would now work to remedy the weaknesses. May the Lord be pleased to use this sermon on entering marriage even to those who are married now.
And still there are others who are single now and do not plan to marry, or who are married now but do not have children in the home. To you I would say, rejoice that these truths are being taught within or community, and pray for those who are to wed in the future, that they would prepare for marriage and enter into this holy union well and to the glory of our covenant making and covenant keeping God. Also, I trust and pray that plenty of principles will put forth in this sermon that you will be able to pick up and make your own, though they may not apply to you in the same way that they will apply to the one who is preparing for, or helping their children to prepare for, marriage in the future.
Well, enough of me trying to convince everyone to listen to this sermon. Let’s get on with it. How should a person prepare for marriage? What should a Christian think and do now so that he or she might enter into the marriage relationship (if it be God’s will for them to marry) well equipped and ready to thrive in it to the glory of God?
Pursue Holiness And Maturity In Christ Jesus In The Whole of Life
Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you think, say and do.
Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you think.
Pursue knowledge.
Pursue wisdom.
Cultivate purity of thought.
Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you say.
Have you learned to control your tongue?
Have you learned how to communicate?
Have you learned how to work through conflict without sinning?
Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you do.
Have you learned the way of Christ, which is to die to self and to live for others?
Do you keep God’s law? Do you love God with all your heart, soul mind and strength, and your neighbor as yourself? Or do you selfishly love yourself, and live for your own pleasure?
These things can and should be cultivated, not after the wedding day, but well before it. Maturity in Christ should be developed today.
Let me speak very directly now to the teenagers and preteens. amongst us. I know that some of you are thinking about marriage already. I’m no fool. I know that some of you, perhaps the girls in particular, have thought about marriage. And what I am saying to you is that you need to start preparing for it now. No, I’m not talking about finding a spouse. I’m not talking about planning the wedding day, or anything like that. I’m talking about you preparing yourself – you working on you, so that when the day (if the Lord wills) you are ready to be a good and godly husband, or a good and godly wife.
How can you prepare?
Do you know Christ?
Is God your first love?
Do you know God’s word? Do you have it in your heart? Do you read it for yourself? Do you pay attention when it is read to you and preached? Do you work to put it into practice. Mature and godly husbands and wives know God’s word and they seek to obey it in the whole of life.
Do you pray?
Do you know how to love others? If you do not know how to love others now, why do you think you will be able to love your husband or wife after your are married? And what does it mean to love others? It involves you dying to yourself, and doing good for someone else.
I’ll tell you what it looks like for a young man or young woman to be well prepared for marriage. When I see a young person notice a pile of dishes in the sink and begin to wash them with a good attitude and without being ask, that is a sign of maturity. That is an indicator this one has learned the joy serving others instead of the misery of living for oneself.
When I see a young man speak kindly to his siblings even if they have been rude to him…
When I see a young woman who is able to work through conflict…
The problems that arise within marriage relationships are not produced by the marriage, but by the sinfulness of those who are wed. The marriage relationship is simply the realm or the context in which the sinfulness of the husband’s heart and the wife’s heart are manifest.
The problem is not the marriage, but the people who are wed.
Imagine a truly godly and mature Christian man and a godly and mature Christian woman.Now imagine that these two are married. And now try to imagine their marriage being bad. Can you do it?
It is difficult for me to imagine two godly and mature people having a terrible marriage.
I can imagine a difficult marriage if one is godly and mature, and the other not.
I can imagine a marriage being very difficult if both husband and wife are ungodly and immature.
But it is very difficult for me to imagine a marriage being anything less than good – even great –if indeed the husband and wife have both cultivated personal holiness and have a mature walk with Christ. Will their marriage be perfect? No, for even the “godly” among us are not perfect. Will there be room for growth in this marriage? Yes! The godly and mature husband and wife will continually deepen in their understanding of God, of themselves, of one another and of the marriage relationship. But if they are godly and mature – if they love God supremely, if they have learned to walk humbly before him, if they know what it is to die to self and to live for the good of others, if they have self-control in thought word and deed, then it is difficult to imagine their marriage relationship being anything other than good and ever improving.
Do you want a good marriage? Cultivate personal holiness and maturity in Christ Jesus.
Heart transformation is needed. Sanctification is needed. Maturity in Christ is needed. All of this should be sought and cultivated well in advance of the wedding day. Sadly, many do not realize how weak, immature and self-centered they are util the marriage relationship is used by God to reveal it! Thanks be to God that he uses the marriage relationship to sanctify his people. We should rejoice in this. But wouldn’t it be better to prepare for marriage by walking in humble submission to God and his word, pursuing holiness and maturity in Christ prior tomarriage, so that we might enter into the union well equipped. Do your future spouse a favor and pursue holiness in the whole of life even now.
Know What You Are Looking For In A Future Spouse
How should a person prepare for marriage?
Secondly, it is important for you to know what you are looking for in a future spouse.
Make a list. Prioritize that list.
Tall, dark and handsome should not be at the top of that list. Thankfully those three things were not at the top of Lindsay’s, for I certainly wouldn’t have made the cut.
Yes, it is somewhat important that we be attracted to the person we will someday marry. A bride and groom should be attracted to one another physically and emotionally.
But I would suggest to you that other things besides physical appearance and even compatibility, so called, should be higher on our list.
Consider that many marriages throughout the world today are arranged marriages. And consider that most marriages throughout history were arranged marriages. The dating thing that we do in our culture is really quite unusual when compared to the rest of the world and to historical practices. And those arranged marriages work. Now, I am not advocating that we adopt the practice of arranged marriages. I will admit that the practice is more appealing than ever before now that my daughters are approaching adult hood.
The point I am making is that marriages can be very, very healthy even if the issue of physical or emotional attraction is not at the very top of the list driving the relationship. In fact, think of how shallow and vain a relationship will be if physical and emotional attraction is the thing driving it.
It is far better to have other things – things of substance – at the top of your list and to allow the issue of attraction attraction and compatibly to round it out.
For the Christian the thing that must be at the very top of the list is the question, are they in Christ? Are they united to Christ by faith?
This is not just the opinion or preference of your parents and your pastor, but is the very word of God.
Do not be unequally yoked.
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Corinthians 6:14–18, ESV).
They must be in the Lord.
“A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39, ESV).
They must be truly in the Lord.
“Thus you will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:20, ESV).
Some come to faith after marriage and thus find themselves a believer married to a non-believer. In such instances the Christian should remain, “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:16, ESV). But here we are talking about entering into marriage.
For the Christian, that the future spouse be a Christian – and truly a Christian –must be at the top of the list. From there you should be looking for someone who is mature in Christ – someone who is sound in doctrine and faithful in his or her way of life.
Be patient.
If they must also be tall, dark and handsome, then good luck. I am not saying that such creatures do not exist, only that you should take great care in forming your list. Have the right things at the top, and the right things on the bottom, and be willing to abandon the non-essential things as you go along.
Know what you are looking for in a future spouse.
Approach Dating Relationships And Engagement In A Godly Way
Thirdly, and lastly, may I encourage you to approach dating relationships and engagement in godly way? Another way to say this is that a Christian should approach dating relationships and engagement in a way that is consistent with our faith in general, and our view of marriage in particular.
Pre-adults, respect your parents. They have experiences and wisdom that you don’t have.
Courtship or dating? Engagement or betrothal? I don’t care what you call it! Engage these things in a godly way.
Dating
Sexual purity
Emotional purity
Recognize that you are developing relational habits in your dating relationships.
Date/court with a view towards marriage.
Engagement
Engaged people are not married people.
Maintain sexual purity
No cohabitation
Engaged people should be preparing, not only for the wedding, but especially for the marriage.
Conclusion
Posted inSermons, Joe Anady, Genesis 2:24-25, Posted by Joe.
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“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: 1 Corinthians 7:12–16
“To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:12–16, ESV)
Introduction
Brothers and sisters, in this sermon series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage we will eventually address topics such as entering into marriage, having a successful marriage, challenges in marriage, as well as the topic of divorce and remarriage, but today we are still addressing foundational matters. We are answering the question, “what is marriage?” Or, better yet, “what do we learn about the marriage relationship when we look to the pages of Holy Scripture?”
I have three foundational observations to make. What is marriage? One, marriage is a covenant. Two, marriage is for the glory of God. And three, marriage is for the good of humanity.
Marriage Is A Covenant
It should be remembered that the first of these three observations was presented last week. What is marriage? Marriage is, first of all, a covenant.
Remember the definition that was provided. Marriage is “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community” (Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, 6).
Marriage is a covenant. More specifically, marriage it is a covenant made between one man and one woman. It is a covenant made under God. It is a covenant is made before others. The marriage covenant authorizes sexual intimacy. And the marriage covenant is to last until death. All of this was presented in the previous sermon.But before we move on from this foundational point I would like to tease it out a bit more.
I pray that you would comprehend how important it is to view marriage as a covenant. In marriage a man makes a promise before God and witnesses to be faithful to a woman. And the woman also makes a promise before God and witnesses to be faithful to a man. This they promise to do until separated by death. What a solemn thing it is to make such a promise. What a serious thing it is to enter into such a covenant. Truly, there is no other relationship on planet earth like the relationship that exists between husband and wife. Two individuals who were were at one time interlay unrelated are joined together by God as one flesh as they enter into this covenantal bond. The marriage covenant is the glue that holds the marriage relationship together. A husband and wife are to stick together though thick and thin, and for what reason? Because they made a promise to one another before God and before witnesses that they would.
While I was growing up I remember being taught that divorce is not an option. I’m grateful to have been taught that lesson for, generally speaking, it is true – divorce is not an option.
I say “generally speaking” because there are, of course, exceptions to this rule. Divorce, as we will see later in this series, is an option in the case of adultery or abandonment (and I think it is right to see abuse as a form of abandonment – more on that later). If a spouse is sexually unfaithful then the other is permitted (but not required) to divorce them. If a spouse abandons the marriage then the other is permitted to divorce. But these two biblical grounds for divorce are exceptions to the general rule that divorce is not an option.
Think of the impact that these principles will have upon a marriage if they are believed and adopted. If a couple views marriage as being a lifelong covenant of companionship, and, connected to that, if a couple decides from the start that divorce is not an option for them, then that couple will have set their marriage relationship down upon a fairly firm foundation.
More needs to be said, of course. For our highest goal is not simply to remain married to the end. No, more than that we wish to thrive in our marriages to the glory of God. But here is a firm foundation upon which to stand. Marriage is a livelong covenant of companionship. Divorce is not an option.
Therefore, when we experience difficulties in the marriage relationship divorce should not even be on our minds. Certainly the treat of it should never be on our lips. Never should a husband or wife threaten divorce.
As I said earlier the scriptures do permit divorce in two situations – when a spouse has committed adultery or in the case of abandonment (abuse being a form of abandonment). In these difficult situationsthe spouse that has been sinned against is indeed free (not required) to divorce.But think of it, even in these extreme instances divorce, though it be permitted, does not need to be threatened. The one who has been sinned against needs to make a decision with the help of godly counsel as to if they will divorce or remain, but he or she does not need to threaten divorce. Never should the threat of divorce be used as a weapon – as a way to gain the upper hand in an argument.
I’m afraid that many do have divorce on the mind and even upon their lips, not in the extreme cases of adultery and abandonment, but even when facing the ordinary and common struggles of marriage.
Brothers and sisters, I hope that you would agree that this is ungodly behavior. If God created marriage to be a lifelong covenant of companionship, and if God has given only two instances in which divorce is permitted, then it is wrong for us to have divorce on our minds, in our hearts, and proceeding from our lips as a threat when the relationship is difficult and tumultuous. To ponder or threaten divorce when there are no grounds for it is to disobey God’s word on the matter.
Because marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship ordinarily divorce is not an option. A husband and wife are to sick like glue to one another even if there are many factors and forces at work to pull them apart. And this is particularly true for the Christian. While it is true for all humanity that marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship, the Christian should definitely know it this and live accordingly. And I would also argue that it is particularly possible for the Christian to live accordingly given our worldview. It is our worldview that makes it possible for us to stay through thick and thin. The Christian believes that there is a God to whom we must give an account. We believe that this God is our heavenly Father. He is faithful to his people and is willing and able to sustain his people. We believe that our God is able to change lives. How do you know, therefore, if your conduct will not lead to the salvation of your husband or wife? How do you know if your conduct will not lead to the sanctification of your husband or wife? The world is quick to leave, in part, because they do not have a biblical worldview. With God there is hope. And this hope enables us to persevere in the midst of difficulty.
Marriage Is For The Glory of God
Secondly, marriage is for the glory of God.
What is marriage? Marriage is, first of all, a covenant. Secondly, marriage is for the glory of God.
In just a moment I will make the point that marriage is for our good. Indeed, marriage is good. It is, in fact, very good. There is much to say about the goodness of marriage for the man and woman who enter into this union. But before we talk about how good marriage is for us, we must emphasize that marriage is for God’s glory. This is the proper order of things. What is the benefit of marriage? First, it is for the glory of God, and after that it is for our good. I’m afraid that we tend to have this backwards, though. We tend to enter into marriage for our enjoyment, and the idea that it is for God’s glory remains a distant afterthought. The truth is that the institution of marriage in general, and our marriage relationships in particular, are, above all else, for the glory of God.
In fact the one who is mature in Christ understands that everything is for the glory of God. Everything that was made by God was made so that the glory of God might be manifest. “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge. There is no speech, nor are there words, whose voice is not heard. Their voice goes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world… (Psalm 19:1–4, ESV). Everything that we think, say and do is to be for the glory of God. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31, ESV). Certainly, marriage is to bring glory to God.
The institution of marriage itself is for the glory of God. It functions as a picture of God’s relationship to his people. Just as God entered into a covenantal relationship with his people at the beginning of time, so too the first man and woman were joined together in one flesh union by way of covenant. This was true in the beginning and in the garden prior to man’s fall into sin. And it remained true even after man’s fall into sin. God graciously provided a way for sinners to approach him. This was accomplished by way of the Covenant of Grace which was promised shortly after the fall and would be ratified in Christ’s blood. Marriage, therefore, functions as picture of God’s covenantal relationship with his people, particularly the union that exists between Christ and the church, God’s redeemed bride.
This is the clear teaching of the New Testament. Paul, after discussing the marriage relationship in general, and the particular role of the husband and wife who are joined together in one flesh union, says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32, ESV). In other words the one flesh union enjoyed by the husband and wife in the marriage bond is mysterious and really it is about – it pertains to and is a picture of – Christ’s union with the church. The covenant of marriage is itself an analogy of God’s covenantal union with his people brought about though the Redeemer. The institution of marriage is itself for the glory of God. It is a picture of God’s covenantal faithfulness to man.
And certainly we bring glory to God when our particular marriages are as they should be.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we are faithful to one another just as God is faithful.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we act selflessly towards one another just as God in Christ was selfless, laying down his life for his bride, the church.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we are kind, tender and compassionate to one another just as God is kind, tender and compassionate towards his children.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we are gracious towards one another just as God is gracious to us in Christ Jesus.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we love one another just as Christ loves us.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we truly forgive one another just as God has forgiven all our sins in Christ Jesus.
We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant we are united together as close companions as a reflection of our union with the Father through the Son and by the Spirit.
The institution of marriage was itself designed to function as a picture of the covenantal union which exists between God and his people, but do you see that this institution is terribly marred by sin when the husband and wife live, not according to the design and will of God, but according to the wisdom and will of fallen man. The marriage relationship fails to give glory to God when approach it wrongly and live sinfully within it.
Brothers and sisters, will you bring glory to God’s name through your marriage, or will you bring shame to his name? I would urge to stop settling for a mediocre, or worse yet, sinful marriage, and to strive for a marriage in which God is glorified. Be faithful to your spouse in thought, word and deed. Selflessly serve one another as God in Christ has served us – lay down your life for the good of the other. Be kind, tender and compassionate towards one another. Speak kind words. Be gentle. See to understand the other. Extend mercy and grace. Forgive from the heart. Cultivate closeness, intimacy, friendship. Love one as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Stop settling for mediocre marriages and strive for one that is Christlike. Strive for a marriage that brings glory to God.
As you strive for a marriage that is God honoring you will find that the world, your sinful flesh and the evil one himself will fight against you all along the way, but in Christ we have the victory.
Marriage Is For The Good of Humanity
Thirdly, and lastly, we must confess that marriage is for the good of humanity.
Much has been said in this sermon about the difficulty of marriage. Marriage can be difficult. It is important for us to teach that it is a covenant and that divorce is not an option so that we might persevere in the face of difficulties. Many do enter into the marriage relationship naively assuming that it will be happily ever after for them. This is a terrible mistake, and so we must warn that marriage will be challenging. When two sinful human beings are joined together in one flesh union there are bound to be challenges.
But may this never obscure the fact that the marriage is really, really good. It is possible to have a great marriage in Christ Jesus. It is possible to mature in marriage to the degree that the relationship can be called “wonderful”. Again, or goal as Christians should not be to endure to the end so that we might say, “at least I was faithful!” Instead we should be striving after a good and godly marriage, one that is truly pleasant and satisfying.
I wonder if our marriage relationships do not remain mediocre because we have convinced ourselves that a good marriage or great marriage is not possible.
The same is true regarding personal holiness. I wonder if we do not plateau in our walk with Christ because we have convinced ourselves that a good or great walk with Christ is impossible. Perfection is something we should not expect, but it is something we should strive after. It is true that Christian life will be characterized by ups and downs, but let us always strive after holiness, brothers and sisters.
Have you said to yourself, “this is just the way that I am, I cannot change”? Never should a Christian believe such a thing. Christ is able to change you from the heart. Are you impatient and rude? Are you short tempered? Are you self absorbed? And prone to bitterness? Are you a bad communicator? Never should the Christian say, “this is just the way that I am.” Instead, the Christian should pursue holiness – the Christian should expect to be sanctified by the word and Spirit.
The same principle applies to the marriage relationship. Though it is true that marriage is sometimes difficult. Though it is true that a good marriage requires work. The Christian should expect to have a marriage that is good and even great. With Christ it is possible, my friends.
Marriage is a covenant. It is for the glory of God. And it is for the good of humanity.
In what ways is the marriage relationship good?
First of all, in the marriage relationship a husband and wife are able to enjoy companionship.
What a blessing it is to have someone to walk through life with.
Remember that Eve was created by God to be a helper for Adam. She was not created to be his superior, nor was she created to be his slave. Instead she was designed to be a helper fit for him.
When I say that a husband and wife are to enjoy companionship I mean that they ought to be relationally close and intimate. They should communicate with one another. A husband and wife should be good friends.
Brothers and sisters, if companionship or friendship is lacking in your marriage, it can be cultivated. And how can friendship be cultivated in the marriage relationship? By being kind, caring, thoughtful and considerate towards one another.
Secondly, the marriage relationship is good for humanity in that it is good for society.
The family is the building block of society. When families are healthy, the society is healthy. When the family breaks down, society begins to break down. God’s design is that children be raised in healthy families under the authority of a husband and wife, mother and father.
It is possible, no doubt, for a single mother or a single father to do a wonderful job at raising their children alone. But here we are addressing God’s design, or the ideal. If the situation is less than is ideal, then a single mother or father would be wise to lean upon others for assistance in raising children. But here I am setting forth the ideal.
Brothers and sisters, cultivating healthy marriages is very beneficial to society.
Thirdly, and somewhat connected to the previous concept, the marriage relationship is good in that it is good for the advancement of the kingdom of God.
The kingdom of God is advanced in this world when husband and wives, mothers and fathers, raise their children in the Lord. I know that in some traditions Christians are urged to be active within the church, serving within various ministries. May I suggest to you that the most important work of all for a husband and wife, mother and father, is the work that is done within the home. Brothers and sisters, do not allow yourselves to become so busy with activities, either in the church or in the community, that you neglect investing into your children particularly when in comes to spiritual things. This is especially important for fathers to hear in our day and age. Slow down, men, and pour into your children. Drop the hobbies, cut back on work, even pull back on service within the church if you must so that you might further God’s kingdom by proclaiming the gospel to your children and raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Fourthly, the marriage relationship is good in that it contributes the sanctification and holiness of the husband and wife.
Please hear me, friends. One of the reasons that God has blessed you with your spouse is so that God might use your spouse to bring about your sanctification. What is sanctification? “Sanctification is the work of God’s free grace whereby we are renewed in the whole man after the image of God, and are enabled more and more to die unto sin, and live unto righteousness” (Baptist Catechism Q: 38). And I am saying that one of the primary means that God uses to sanctify his people is the marriage relationship.
At the heart of our sin is pride and self-centeredness. If we lived life all alone a great deal of our pride and self-self-centeredness would go unnoticed and unchecked. But you have probably noticed that it is through our contact with others that our pride and self-self-centeredness becomes evident.
Friends, there is no closer relationship on earth than the one that exists between husband and wife – the two have become one flesh. If there is pride and self-self-centeredness in the heart it will quickly become evident in the marriage relationship.
Here is another reason why threatening divorce is sinful. It short-circuits the sanctification process. Imagine the heat being turned up in the marriage – imagine the flames of the refiners fire growing more intense. And then imagine that one or both have the habit of jumping out of the kiln before the work of refinement is done.
Brothers and sisters, do not be surprised when God uses your marriage to refine you spiritually. When conflict arises within the marriage do not double down on your pride and selfishness, not recognize it for what it is, confess it as sin, walk humbly before your God and live for the good others, particularly your spouse.This is one of the reasons the marriage relationship is good for us given our sinful condition – it will used by God to advance our sanctification.
Conclusion
Friends, I have three questions to ask you by way of conclusion.
One, seeing that marriage is a livelong covenant of companionship, are you truly committed to your spouse?Are you devoted the marriage? Are you “all in” from the heart? Our marriages will be terribly unstable and tumultuous if we waver in our commitment to one another in the heart. Hopefully you meant what you said on your wedding day when you uttered the words, “I take you to be my wedded spouse, and I do promise and covenant before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful spouse in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, as long as we both shall live.” If there was uncertainty in the heart then, or if their is uncertainty in the heart now, it is not too late to fix it. We can, even now, turn from the sin of unfaithfulness in the heart and grow in our resolve. Truly, the one who doubts in the heart will be tossed around like the waves of the sea, and the marriage itself will remain unstable. Are their grounds for divorce? Indeed there are! But let us put that issue to side for a moment and say the more general thing: husbands and wives, marriage is for life! It is a lifelong covenant of companionship.”
Two, seeing that marriage is for the glory God I ask, does your marriage glorify his name? When people look at your marriage (and this includes your children) do they see God’s love, compassion, tenderness, mercy and faithfulness on display? Do they see Christ’s self-less and self-sacrificing love for his church, and the churches reciprocal love for the Savior on display? Or do they see the way of the world? Brothers and sisters, let us do all things for the glory of God. Let us strive for marriages that bring honor to our great King.
Three, seeing that marriages are for our good, are you pursuing a great marriage in Christ Jesus? Or have you grown content with one that is mediocre? Another way to say this is to ask, are your pursuing holiness in Christ Jesus? Are you pursuing holiness as an individual and in the marriage.
Ephesians 4:17-32 is one of my favorite passages to use in marriage counseling. Though it does not mention the marriage relationship (Paul turns to marriage in Ephesians 5) it is deeply practical for husbands and wives.Listen to Paul’s words, and you hear them, think of the marriage relationship. “Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:17–32, ESV)
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