Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24–25

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)

New Testament Reading: James 3:1–4:3

“Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 3:1–4:3, ESV)

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Introduction

This is now the seventh sermon in this series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage. So far we have only addressed the subject of marriage, and the same will be true of the sermon today. Teaching concerning the difficult but important subject of divorce and remarriage will be presented in the weeks to come, Lord willing. Today we are once again asking the question, how can we build marriage relationships that are healthy and God honoring?

My original intention for this sermon was to address common problems that arise within marriages. Couples often struggle to show love, to resolve conflicts, and to develop physical and emotional intimacy. It is common for conflicts to arise over issues such as parenting, time management, and finances. Indeed, if we were to make a list of the problems prevalent within marriages the list would be quite long. But instead of saying a little about a lot of common problems I have decided to say a lot about one issue in particular, and that is the issue of communication.

I have three reasons for focusing in upon the issue of communication.

One, in my experience this is the thing that couples struggle with the most in marriage. Husbands and wives often struggle to communicate. Their communication may be either nonexistent, superficial, or hostile.

Two, if my reasoning is sound, improving communication will also bring improvements to the other issues that husbands and wives face. I think you would agree that husbands and wives can work through many things, even very difficult things, if they only had the ability to speak the truth to one another in love.

Three, communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. The health of your relationship is directly tied to the health of your communication.

You cannot say that you have a relationship with someone if you have never spoken with them. If someone asks you, “do you know so and so…” you cannot answer in the affirmative unless you have at some point and in some way communicated with that person. If you have never communicated with them you may say, “I know of her”, but you can say I “know her…” But if there was communication in the past, even if it was only a brief exchange, then you may say, “I know her”. Communication is the thing that establishes a relationship. You pass by people every day. You make eye contact with some of them. But you do not have a relationship with any of them, unless you talk. And the more frequent and substantial the communication, the deeper the relationship. You may rightly say that you know a person that you met only once years ago, but you cannot say that you know them well. How do you come to know someone well? It is by frequent and substantial communication. This is true of your relationship with God. A person’s relationship with God may be called “strong” when that person knows God’s word, walks according to it, and lives in constant and prayerful dependence upon him. It is also true of our relationships with one another, and especially husbands and wives. The health a marriage relationship is directly tied to the health of the couples communication. Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.

I have five points to make that I hope will help us to improve in our communication with one another, particularly within the marriage relationship.

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I. Husbands and Wives Must Resolve to Communicate Well with One Another

First of all, husbands and wives must resolve to communicate well with one another. 

A couple of things are implied in this point. 

First of all, it is implied that good communication requires effort.

Why is it so difficult for us to communicate well? Why does good communication require so much effort? The answer is that we are fallen. Communication is difficult for us because of the sins, weakness and immaturities that are in our hearts.  

Stringing together a series of words in a coherent fashion is not difficult for most people. This we learned to do at a very young age. Communication becomes difficult when there is some sin or weakness in the heart of the one speaking or in the heart of the one listening. 

Things like pride and fear make good communication difficult. A judgemental or harsh spirit is a hindrance to good communication. The same may be said of the one who is defensiveness  or overly sensitive. These sins and weakness are barriers to healthy communication.

It seems to me that this point is illustrated in the narrative of Genesis chapters 2 and 3. We have read this text many times now, and so it should be familiar to you. In that passage where the institution of marriage is first mentioned we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV). Adam and Eve were created to enjoy intimacy in the marriage relationship. They were joined together by God in a covenant of companionship. And we know that they did in fact enjoy this intimacy – that they were in fact close companions – for we are told that “the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” 

What is meant by this? Well, first of all it simply means that they were physically naked and felt no shame about that. But the narrative of Genesis 3 will make it clear that their physical nakedness and lack of shame corresponded to their spiritual, emotional and relational nakedness and lack of shame. Adam and Eve stood before one another completely naked and exposed in every way as husband and wife, and they felt no shame. They knew one another truly and thoroughly. They did not hide anything from one another for there was nothing to hide. Before sin entered into the world there was no shame. This was true for Adam and Eve in regard to their relationship before God, and this was true of to their relationship with one another. 

But as we will see all of this changed when the couple fell into sin. In Genesis 3:7 we read, “Then [that is, after the ate of the forbidden fruit] the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths” (Genesis 3:7, ESV). The couple then hid from God. And what happened to the blissfulness of their one flesh union? Their perfect and shameless companionship was corrupted and marred by conflict. 

God confronted Adam concerning his sin, and what did Adam say? He shifted the blame, saying, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12, ESV). And do you remember the curse pronounced upon the woman? “To the woman [God] said, ‘I will greatly increase your labor pains; with pain you will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you’” (Genesis 3:16, NET).

What am I saying? Well, simply this: do not be surprised that good communication will require effort this side of the fall and this side of the new heavens and new earth. I trust that you are able to string words together in a coherent fashion – that is not the problem. The problem is the sin that resides within our hearts. We can harsh, judgmental, defensive, uncaring, disengaged in our communication, and this is due to our sin.  

The secondly thing implied by this first point, husbands and wives must resolve to communicate well with one another, is that many are in fact complacent in the their poor communication.

You and I have developed communication habits, I’m sure of it. And I am also confident that some of those habits are bad habits. Some have the habit of not really listening. Others have the habit of speaking harshly. And others have the habit of shutting down when the conversation goes in a direction they are not pleased with. I could go on and on with a list of bad communication habits.

At some point we simply have to decide that we are going to make good and Godly communication   a priority. At some point we must say, God and Christ are Lord, not only over that which I think and do, but also over my speaking and even my listening. Tell me, friend, do you speak to the glory of God? And do you listen to others to the glory of his name?

I will not develop this thought too much for the sake of time, but I am convinced that one of the ways that we can glorify God the most is through our communication. God is a communicating God. One of the things that it means for us to be made in his image is that we are able to communicate with him. And one of the things that it means for us to be a part of the human species is that we are able to communicate with one another. Eve was made to correspond to Adam. The two could, among other things, communicate with one another and together they could commune with God. Marriage was instituted to serve as a picture of God’s covenantal relationship to his people. Marriage is in fact an analogy of Christ’s relationship to the church. If the relationship between husband and wife is to function as a picture of the relationship between God and his people, then we had better pursue intimacy in our communication, for God has communicated to us through his Son and has reconciled us to himself through our union with him. Let us resolve to glorify God, not only in our thoughts and actions, but also in our communication. Let us speak and listen in a way that gives glory to God. 

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II. Husbands and Wives Must Communicate in Love

This brings us to the second point in this sermon which is, husbands and wives must communicate in love.

Let us communicate being driven by our love for God and our love for one another.

I would assume that many when they hear the exhortation to speak the truth in love, they assume it means to speak in a gentle and loving tone. And while it is true that our tone should usually be gentle and loving, I can actually think of instances where it is good and right and, dare I say, most loving to speak in a firm and confrontational tone. Did not our Savior do this? Did not the prophets do this? Did Christ and the prophets sin when they spoke firmly with the rebellious of their day? No! For though their tone might have been harsh, their words were spoken in love. They said what they said in the way that they said it out of a true love for God and out of a true love for their neighbor. Now, I would imagine that it would be on very rare occasions that a husbands and wives would need to be so firm and dirrectr with one another. But the point I am making is this: to “communicate in love” is to communicate being driven and governed by a sincere love for God and a sincere love for the one you are communicating with.

What is motivating your communication? When you listen and speak to your spouse or children (or anyone for that matter), what is driving you? What principle is governing you?

Two things should be driving and governing all of our communication. First of all, love for God. And secondly, love for one another.

I will ask the question again, are you seeking the glory and honor of God in your listening and in your speaking? Are you mindful of this question as you communicate with others: is God pleased with the way that I am listening and speaking?

And secondly, are you seeking the good of your neighbor (your spouse) in your communication? Is your communication with others driven and governed by love?

I am convinced that most of our failures in communication can be traced back to a failure to love the one we are communicating with. Instead of loving and serving the other with our ears and mouth, we love and serve ourselves.

There have been times where as a father I have spoken too harshly to my children. I’ve grown impatient with them and have barked at them. And when I have analyzed those instances of sinful communication I have often come to the conclusion that I was simply being lazy as a father. Instead of being driven by my love for God and love for my children I was driven by love for self. Instead of asking the question, what do my children truly need right now? I asked the question (though I didn’t realize it at the time), what will be easiest for me? What did my children really need? What would have been most beneficial them? They probably needed their father to intervene in the situation (whatever it was) in a calm manner. They needed their father to listen so as to truly understand the situation (whatever it was). And they probably needed their father to offer advice and maybe even discipline so that the problem might be truly resolved and so that the sin (whatever it was) might truly be addressed and repented of. That is what my children really needed. But that would have required a lot of time and effort, and I was tired, and so I carelessly communicated. Instead of listening and seeking to understand before speaking (maybe even firmly), I just yelled at them. Instead of being driven and governed by a true love for God and a true love for my children, I was driven by love for self.

And what can I say about arguments that I have had with my wife? The same principle applies. If my communication with her was always driven and governed by my love for God and my love for her then I dont think we would ever fight. We might have differences of opinion, but those differences of opinion would never turn into arguments or fights if we were being driven and governed by love as we communicate with one another.

I don’t think Lindsay and I are unique in this. There have been times where after having an argument we look back upon the argument and have a hard time remembering what the argument was about. Maybe it was a difference of opinion about money or what color to paint the walls or where to go for dinner, but the argument became an argument, not because of money or paint or a restaurant, but because of a failure to love. At some point someone started to be selfish. Someone started to be driven by pride. Someone decided that they would have to have it their way. And that is what caused the fight, not the difference of opinion.

James 4:1 poses the question, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?” Listen carefully to the answer that James gives. “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 4:1–3, ESV) It is selfishness or the sin of covetousness in the heart which causes quarrels and fights.

Brothers and sisters, our communication with one another must flow, not from selfish hearts, but from selfless and loving hearts. We should look into the eyes of the one we are communicating with and think, I am going to interact with this one in a way that is pleasing to God and in a way that will be for their good

Ephesians 4:15 says, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:15–16, ESV). This should be our goal in communication – to build one another up.

Spouses have been exhorted in this sermon series to love one another, that is, to live for the good of the other. What I am proposing to you now is that the greatest opportunity we have to love one another is through our communication. We love one another when we listen and seek to truly understand one another. Brothers and sisters, there is so much power in our words. Our words have the power to either build up or tear down. Husbands and wives must communicate in love.

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III. Husbands and Wives Must Learn to Listen Well

Thirdly, husbands and wives must learn to listen well.

When I say “communication” I would imagine the very first thing that comes to mind is talking. But really the beginning of good communication involves listening. And by listening I do not mean allowing the other person to make noise with their mouth so that your ear drums vibrate, but actually laboring to understand the other persons point of view before responding. Your first objective in communication should be to hear the other person so as to understand them. Most of our bad communication begins with poor listening.

This is why James says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…” (James 1:19, ESV). What is the thing that we should do first when communicating? We should listen! This is the thing that we should be eager to do – listen. We should labor to truly understand the perspective of the other person. And what is the thing that we should be willing to delay? Our speaking.

Proverbs 18:12 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

Proverbs 29:20 says, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

If we hope to have good communication we must learn listen well.

Here are a few things that you can do to become a good listener.

The first step is to actually want to understand the other persons perspective. Often times we do not make it past this step, but have winning the argument as a highest goal.

Secondly, be sure that you are giving full attention to the one who is speaking to you.

Thirdly, during especially important or sensitive conversations repeat back to the person what it is that you heard them say. You may say something like, “if I undestand you correctly this is what you are saying…”

Fourthly, it is also helpful to ask clarifying questions, saying, “is this what you meant when you said such and such?” We should be ever aware of the fact that we are prone to misunderstand what others are saying. Sometimes we take what they are saying in a way different from how they intended it. Sometimes we read in to what they are saying. Sometimes are defensive and overly sensitive. If our goal is to truly understand the other person then we will take the time to ask clarifying questions.

As I said before, the trouble is that our goal is often not to hear so as to understand the other, but to get our own way. Instead of listening carefully, repeating what we have heard and asking clarifying questions, we pick apart the words of the other, capitalize on every misstep and assume the worst so that we might have ammunition to use against the other to win the argument.

Brothers and sisters, “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others…” (Philippians 2:3–5, ESV)

Let us love one another by truly listening to one another.

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IV. Husbands and Wives Must Learn to Speak Well 

Fourthly, husbands and wives must learn to speak well.

Husbands and wives would be wise to say the right thing to one another at the right time and in the right way.

Husbands and wives should always say the right thing. We should always speak the truth to one another. Never should we lie. And sometimes husbands and wives will need to say difficult things to one another. If there is some weakness or sin that you see in your spouse, it should not be ignored.

Some, I have found, are prone to avoid difficult conversations at all costs. This mighty seem easier in the short term, but things will be more difficult in the long run.

Others are hasty and careless in their confrontation. They see a problem and address it immediately and often in a harsh manner.

We should be truthful with one another, but timing and tone matters.

Husband, if there is something you need to address with your wife be careful when you choose to do it. Do not address it when the two of you are tired, or in the middle of and already heated argument, or when the kids are around.

Wives, if there is something you need to address with your husband be careful when you choose to do it. Perhaps not the moment he walks in the door from a long and stressful day work.

Tone also matters. Confrontation does not have to involve conflict. We should be able to speak calmly to one another about difficult matters. We should be aware of our tone and also our body language when we communicate.

The goal should be to say what needs to be said at a time and in a way that gives the others person the greatest opportunity to listen well to what is being said.

Brothers and sisters, say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way.

Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person”.

Proverbs 15:4: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit”.

Proverbs 15:23: “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”

I understand that some people (men in particular) struggle with communication in that they do not talk enough. Men, we need to talk. And we should be willing to talk with our wives about things that are deep and substantial.

But many more struggle with communication because their words are too numerous. Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”

Brothers and sisters, “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).

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V. Husbands and Wives Must Communicate with Hearts Prepared and Pure

Fifthly, and lastly, husbands and wives must communicate with hearts prepared and pure.

It is so very important for you to understand this principle: the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart.

Listen to the words of Christ beginning in Luke 6:43: “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:43–45, ESV).

Are you struggling to controle your words? Then check your heart!

The same principle is communicated in the James 3 passage that was read at the beginning of this sermon.

James draws attention to the power that it is in the tongue. Though a very small part of our body, the tongue has great power. Like a bit that controls the direction of a powerful horse, like the the small rudder which steers a great ship, and like a small spark which sets a forrest ablaze, so the tongue, though very small has the power to do great harm or great good. The way we use our tongue in many ways determines the course of our life.

James also points out that tongue is the hardest thing of all to control. He says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body” (James 3:1–2, ESV). And again in verse 7, “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With our tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:7–10, ESV).

And why is it that we have such a hard time controlling the tongue? How can it be that we spew forth such evil and poison with our words? How can in be that in one moment we use or tongue to bless God and the next we use the same tongue to curse men made in the image of God? James agrees with Jesus. It is the heart that is the problem. “Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice” (James 3:11–16, ESV).

A fresh water spring will produce fresh water, fig tree will produce figs, and a heart that is pure and well prepared will manifest itself in purity of speech, “for out of the abundance of the heart [the] mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45, ESV).

Prepare your hearts, brothers and sisters. Do this daily. But especially do it prior to confronting someone concerning sin. “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5, ESV)

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Conclusion 

Dear friends, let us resolve to communicate well with one another. 

Let our communication be driven and governed by our love for God and for one another. 

Let us learn to listen well. 

And let us learn to speak well. 

Above all let us live with hearts that are pure and well prepared, “for out of the abundance of the heart [the] mouth speaks”.

The health of our marriages depend largely upon the health of our communication.

If we hope to have healthy and God honoring marriages we must learn to love one another ion our listening and in our speech. 

Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24-25

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)

New Testament Reading: 1 Corinthians 13:1–8, 13

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends… [Verse 13] So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13, ESV)

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Introduction

Brothers and sisters, this is now the fourth sermon in this series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage. Up to this point we have defined marriage as a “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community”. Also, a  few things have been said about entering into marriage: One, to prepare for marriage a person should pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that they think, say and do. Two, they should know what they are looking for in a future spouse while preparing for marriage. For the Christian this means that they should find another Christian (one who is truly a Christian, and not a Christian in name only). And three, a person should  approach dating relationships and engagement in a godly way. Today we turn our attention to the topic of having a successful marriage. 

As I have said before, our objective is not merely to survive in marriage, but to thrive. Our aim should be to build marriages that thrive so that God be  glorified through them. What, therefore,  are the keys to building a successful marriage? What are the crucial ingredients for a God honoring and good marriage? 

I have three three points. One, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Two, a husband and wife must learn to extend mercy and  grace to one another in Christ Jesus. And three, a husband and wife must be long suffering. Let us now consider these three  points at a time. 

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I. A Husband And Wife Must Learn To Love One Another In Christ Jesus

Firstly, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Christlike love is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.  

I am aware that this might sound simplistic to some. 

Imagine a couple approaching their pastor saying, “our marriage is in shambles. What do we need to do to make it strong?” And the pastor says, “the two of you really need to love one another.” Put this way, the answer seems simplistic. But may I suggest to you that, though the point be simple, it is far from simplistic. There is, in fact, substance in this answer – there is power in it. Truly, the key to a healthy marriage is love. If a husband and wife hope to have a strong and healthy marriage to the glory of God they must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. 

Pay careful attention to what I am saying. 

Notice the word “learn” in this answer. A husband and wife must learn to love one another, I say. 

And what is implied by the word “learn”?

Is it not implied that love is something that we must chose to do?

Many assume, I fear, that love is primarily an emotional experience. And I do not deny that there are genuine feelings that come along with sincere love. But we are mistaken when we believe that love is, above all, an emotion. No, in fact, love is an action. It is something that we choose to do. When I say “if a husband and wife hope to have a strong and healthy marriage they must learn to love one another”, this is what I mean. The man and the woman must learn to love. They must learn to treat one another lovingly. They must learn to love one another in thought, word and deed. 

When I say that we must learn to love, is it not also implied that love is something that does not come natural to us, but is a way of life that must be developed? 

And here is where the theological liberals and progressives get all bent out of shape. Many in our culture imagine that man is basically good from birth, and that man knows how to love naturally. This theory is disproven by the word of God and by the world around us. I will not deny it, men and women do naturally have the ability to feel feelings that we often associate with love. From a young age we know what it is to feel attraction to another, to be infatuated with another, to desire and even lust after another. But this is not love. In fact many of these emotions that we feel have more to do with our own desire for gratification than desiring the good of the other. We are not talking about feelings that we often associate with being in love, but action – selfless action done for the good of another. This, I am saying, does not come natural to us given our sinful and selfish propensities, but is something that must be acquired. Love is something we must learn to do in Christ Jesus. It is a way of life that must be cultivated and developed.

The word of God is clear that we do not by nature love aright. An observation of the world around us also proves it. 

Do we have affections by nature? Do we feel feeling of fondness towards other people and things naturally? The answer is, yes we do! We naturally set the affections of our heart on other people and things. This is something that we do constantly. What is the problem then? The problem is that our affections are bent out of shape by the sin which ours by birth. We by nature set our affections on things that we should not have affection for – that which  is evil. Or sometimes we set our affections on things that are good but in an inordinate way. By that I mean certain persons or things might indeed be worth of our affection, but not to such a high degree. Parents do this with their children all the time. Is it right that we have affection for our children? Of course it is right! But let us beware of making our children little gods within our hearts. There is a kind of affection that is appropriate for God, and there is a kind of affection that is appropriate for creaturely things, even our own children. The same can be said for every other thing in this world – food and drink, the beauty of nature, learning, physical fitness, rest, our spouse. These are all good things that are worthy of our affections, but only to a degree and within their proper place. Let us be sure that our affections are set on the right things. And let us also be sure that they are orderly. 

I mighty also ask, do we have the capacity to love by nature? Do we have the ability to make choices and to live for other people and things. Again, the answer is yes! We being by nature free creatures and having the ability to act upon choice are certainly able to love. We have the capacity to feel affections towards people and things (this has already been addressed), and we also have the ability to devote ourselves to those people and things. Some love football, for example. They feel affection for the sport, and they also devote themselves to it. They spend their time thinking about it. They are religious in their observation of it. They invest their money into it. They love the sport, and their way of life proves it. Again, what is the problem? The problem is that we sometimes set our love upon the wrong things. We love that which is not good and lovely.  At other times our love is inordinate. We love things that are good and lovely but in the wrong way. 

The word of God testifies to our distorted love and affections, and our observation of the world around us also confirms it. Why all of this talk about our bent out of shape love and affections? It is all to say to that love – that is, good and godly love – is not something that comes natural to us because of our sin. We have affections, but they are by nature disorderly. We love, but the wrong things and in the wrong way. Do not be surprised, therefore, that a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. May I suggest to you that one of the best training grounds for love is the marriage relationship. There two become one, and there in that covenant bond they are to learn to love one another. 

Notice also the word “love”.  A husband and wife must learn to love one another.

Here it simply needs to be demonstrated that love is an action or way of life. 

Yes, love and affections are closely related. And yes it is true, a husband and wife should feel affection for one another. But may I suggest to you that when the scriptures command us to love they are not commanding us to feel affection, but to take action. Love is a way of life.

The 1 Corinthians 13 passage that was read at the beginning of this sermon is perhaps the best known passage on the subject of love. Let me read verses 4-7 again and, as I do, ask yourself the question, is love an emotion or a way of life primarily?  

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV)

It should be clear to all that love is an action, or way of life. 

When Jesus in John 13:34 commands us saying, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another…” he does not mean feel fondness for one another, but instead treat one another in a loving way. In fact, after saying, ”love one another” Jesus says, “just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Jesus’ disciples are to treat one another in the same way that Christ has treated us. And it is this way of life that the world will take notice of – “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” 

The world cannot see our affections, but they can see our love, for love is an action. Remember, “love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV).

Friends, love is not something we fall into or out of, it is something that we learn to do. 

And notice also the little phrase, “in Christ Jesus”. A husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. 

By this I mean three things:

One, it is Christ Jesus who has demonstrated to us what true love is. Do you want to know what perfect love looks like? Look to Christ! If we are to love well we must love in Christ Jesus, or as he has loved.  

Two, it is Christ Jesus who enables us to love through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. By nature we do not love as we ought to love. We love the wrong things (often ourselves), and even when we love the right things, we love them wrongly. This is our condition apart from Christ while in our sin. But in Christ we are renewed by the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. In Christ our heart of stone is turned to flesh. In Christ our hearts that are by nature dead to God are made alive to God. Christ  enables us to love through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit.

Three, it is Christ Jesus who teaches us to love more and more through the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit. Although you have been made alive by Christ that does not mean your struggle with sin is over. Indeed, there are many sinful corruptions that remain within you and I to war against the Spirit’s work within us. The Spirit has written God’s law on our hearts and is training us to keep God’s law. And what is the summary of God law? To love God with all the heart, soul mind and strength, and to love ones neighbor as oneself.    

When I say that a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus, I mean that we must love one another  just as Christ has loved us, we must love having been freed by him to love, and we must do so in continual dependence upon him. 

*****

II. A Husband And Wife Must Extend Grace To One Another In Christ Jesus

Secondly, a husband and wife must extend grace to one another in Christ Jesus. Grace is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.  

You have just heard me say that husbands and wives must love one another. The question before us now is, what are we to do when our spouse is not loving us as they should? Instead of being patient, they are impatient. Instead of being kind, they are rude. Instead of dying to self they insist on their own way. What if they are irritable and resentful, etc. What is a Christian spouse to do then? The answer is that we must show mercy and grace. 

Thew world operates according to the works principle. The law that the world lives by is I will treat you as you deserve. I will be kind to you once you are kind to me. Be rude to me and I will respond in like manner or I will withdraw. I’ll show you love and respect once you love and respect me. This is the law that the world lives by: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 

But is this how God has dealt with us in Christ Jesus? Has he dealt with us on the basis of our works? Does he make us earn his love? Thankfully not, for he know s that we are incapable of doing so. Instead, it is by grace that we have been saved. It is by grace through faith, and by virtue of the selfless and sacrificial work of Christ that God has brought us into a right relationship with himself. “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:9–10, ESV). Remember that our marriages are to be a picture of God’s love for his people in Christ Jesus. 

Oh, how I wish it were so that husbands and wives would love one another perfectly being always patient and kind, and never  arrogant or rude. But friends, you and I both know that the most godly among us still struggle with sin. The very best husbands and wives will indeed sin against each other. What then? The answer is that we are to extend mercy and grace.

The scriptures tell us that we are love our enemies. If we are willing to show kindness to our enemies, why not our own spouse when they are being rude to us? 

Here the words of Christ in Matthew 5:38:  “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:38–41, ESV). This might at first seem like a strange text to site in a sermon on marriage, but it does apply, doesn’t it? By no means am I encouraging husbands or wives to remain in a truly abusive situations, but the principle here is that as Christians we must not be governed by the “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” principle. Instead, when we are struck (metaphorically) speaking, we should should not strike back, but instead turn the other cheek. If this is how we are to respond to those who persecute us in the world, how much more should we be willing to extend grace and mercy to our own spouse when they are failing to love as they out to love. 

I have seen this time and time again. A marriage is struggling. Harshness, rudeness, selfishness dominate. The husband and wife are encouraged and instructed to love one another – to be kind and patient, tender and thoughtful. But the couple struggles so badly to change. Why? In part is it because the works principle governs the marriage – mercy and grace is lacking. 

Would you turn with me to 1 Peter 3. Peter is speaking to the wives in 1 Peter 3:1 when he says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1–2, ESV). How is a wife to respond to a husband who is failing to obey the word of God? She is to be subject to him. She is to respond by laying down her life for him. She is to be sure that her conduct is respectful and pure. And it will be in this way that her husband is to be won without a word. I do not need to tell you how different this way is from the way of the world. The worldly wife will seek to change her husband, not without a word, but with many words! The Christian wife is to win her husband without a word through her “respectful and pure conduct”. She is to adorn herself, not externally with “the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing [she] wear[s]” but instead she is to adorn herself  with “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” And then Peter remarks that “this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:3–6, ESV). 

This is my very favorite passage to share with a Christian wife who’s husband is ungodly or immature in Christ. I love that Peter mentions Sarah and Abraham. How did Sarah respond to Abraham? How did she adorn herself as his wife? She showed honor to Abraham, even calling him lord. I would image that some would respond to this saying, “ya, but Sarah was married to Abraham, the father of the faith, a godly man.” Sister, have you read the story of Abraham? Have you read of all of his shortcomings? Twice he abandoned Sarah to a King’s haram. He foolishly too Sarah’s servant as a second wife. He was far from perfect. And yes Sarah showed him honor. 

I should here say the thing that has been said time and time again in this series. The Bible does permit divorce. Two grounds are given – adultery and abandonment. In these instances divorce is permitted. So there are limitations to what I am here saying. But those issues aside, we must extend grace to one another. We musty learn to show honor even if the other is acting less than honorably. 

Notice that Peter says something similar to the husband in verse 7 of the same passage. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV). 

What is the principle that ties Peter’s instructions to wives and his instructions to husbands together? What is the principle that stands behind the word “likewise” of verses 1 and 7? Did you notice the word “likewise”? It is the principle of showing honor even to those who mistreat you. Instead of the law of “an eye for an eye” it is law of “love your enemies” that is being put forth here. 

In fact, this theme runs from 1 Peter 2:13 all the way through to the end of chapter 3. 

Look at 2:13: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people” (1 Peter 2:13–15, ESV).

Look now at 2:18: “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God” (1 Peter 2:18–20, ESV).

Notice the reason that Peter gives for this kind of conduct. Verse 21: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:21–25, ESV)

The “likewise” of verses 1 and 7 of 1 Peter 3 has reference to this gracious way of life. Husbands and wives are not to live according to the “eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” principle, but instead they are to extend grace, showing honor to one another, even if the other is acting less than honorable.     

Tell me brother;  tell me sister, does the works principle dominate your marriage, or is your marriage infused with grace? Wives, I can tell you from experience that the Spirit of God convicts me most strongly as a husband when my wife responds to my rudeness or irritability with kindness and respect. 

*****

III. A Husband And Wife Must Be Long Suffering In Christ Jesus

Thirdly, and very briefly, if a husband and wife hope to have a successful and God honoring marriage they must be long suffering in Christ Jesus. Patience is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.  

Truth be told, many loose hope in their marriages way to soon. 

Do you remember what was said in the middle of that that passage on love found in 1 Corinthians 13? It says, “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7, ESV). Brothers and sisters, we need to endure in marriages. We need to persist with hope in our marriages.  

What should we do as we persevere in the marriage relationship?

We should be sure to address issues as they arise respectfully and in love.

We should be be gracious and kind to one another while we pursue sanctification in Christ Jesus. 

We should focus on ourselves, asking am I walking holy and humbly before God?

And we should pray. Pray, pray, pray.

*****

Conclusion 

Tell me friend, do you know the love of Christ?

Do you know how to love as Christ loves?

Are you merciful and gracious to your spuce?

Are you long suffering?

Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24-25

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)

New Testament Reading: John 15:1-16

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another.” (John 15:1–17, ESV)

Introduction 

Brothers and sisters, in this third sermon in this series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage I would like to focus in upon the subject of entering into marriage – how should a person prepare to enter into the marriage relationship? We have already devoted two sermons to answering the question, what is marriage? In the weeks to come we will address the marriage relationship itself as we ask, how can we have a healthy and successful marriage? And finally we will address the difficult and rather unpleasant subject of divorce and remarriage. Truly, the word of God is a light to our feet in all these matters, and so to the word of God we must go. Today, I wish to offer some brief remarks concerning entering into marriage. My objective is to help those who hope to marry in the future to prepare well for marriage beginning even now. 

I realize that by introducing this sermon in the way that I have it is possible that some will assume that this sermon will have nothing at all for them. 

To those who are young it might seem as if entering into marriage is a long, long way off. To the young I would say, little brother, little sister, time moves very quickly. Your wedding day might be here before you know it. You had better start preparing for it now. So listen up! 

Those who are married now might be thinking, how can a sermon on the subject of entering marriage possibly be for me given that I have already entered into it? Let me ask you two questions: One, do you have children, or do you plan to have children? If so, please understand that their wedding day might be here before you know it. One of your responsibilities as a parent is to prepare your children for marriage, whether or not it be the Lord’s will for them. This is something that we must always remember, parents: our objective is not to hold on to our children forever, but to raise them so that we might release them to establish households of their own. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”, the scriptures say. May the Lord use this brief sermon to help parents help their children to prepare will for marriage. Two, if you are married now would you be willing to consider that perhaps in some ways you entered into your marriage ill prepared? I do not want you to be discoursed by this. Instead my desire is that, having recognized what was lacking in the preparation, you would now work to remedy the weaknesses. May the Lord be pleased to use this sermon on entering marriage even to those who are married now. 

And still there are others who are single now and do not plan to marry, or who are married now but do not have children in the home. To you I would say, rejoice that these truths are being taught within or community, and pray for those who are to wed in the future, that they would prepare for marriage and enter into this holy union well and to the glory of our covenant making and covenant keeping God. Also, I trust and pray that plenty of principles will put forth in this sermon that you will be able to pick up and make your own, though they may not apply to you in the same way that they will apply to the one who is preparing for, or helping their children to prepare for, marriage in the future.

Well, enough of me trying to convince everyone to listen to this sermon. Let’s get on with it. How should a person prepare for marriage? What should a Christian think and do now so that he or she might enter into the marriage relationship (if it be God’s will for them to marry) well equipped and ready to thrive in it to the glory of God?

Pursue Holiness And Maturity In Christ Jesus In The Whole of Life

Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you think, say and do.

Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you think.

Pursue knowledge.

Pursue wisdom.

Cultivate purity of thought.

Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you say.

Have you learned to control your tongue?

Have you learned how to communicate?

Have you learned how to work through conflict without sinning?

Pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that you do. 

Have you learned the way of Christ, which is to die to self and to live for others?

Do you keep God’s law? Do you love God with all your heart, soul mind and strength, and your neighbor as yourself? Or do you selfishly love yourself, and live for your own pleasure?

These things can and should be cultivated, not after the wedding day, but well before it. Maturity in Christ should be developed today. 

Let me speak very directly now to the teenagers and preteens. amongst us. I know that some of you are thinking about marriage already. I’m no fool. I know that some of you, perhaps the girls in particular, have thought about marriage. And what I am saying to you is that you need to start preparing for it now. No, I’m not talking about finding a spouse. I’m not talking about planning the wedding day, or anything like that. I’m talking about you preparing yourself – you working on you, so that when the day (if the Lord wills) you are ready to be a good and godly husband, or a good and godly wife. 

How can you prepare? 

Do you know Christ?

Is God your first love?

Do you know God’s word? Do you have it in your heart? Do you read it for yourself? Do you pay attention when it is read to you and preached? Do you work to put it into practice. Mature and godly husbands and wives know God’s word and they seek to obey it in the whole of life.

Do you pray? 

Do you know how to love others? If you do not know how to love others now, why do you think you will be able to love your husband or wife after your are married? And what does it mean to love others? It involves you dying to yourself, and doing good for someone else. 

I’ll tell you what it looks like for a young man or young woman to be well prepared for marriage. When I see a young person notice a pile of dishes in the sink and begin to wash them with a good attitude and without being ask, that is a sign of maturity. That is an indicator this one has learned the joy serving others instead of the misery of living for oneself.

When I see a young man speak kindly to his siblings even if they have been rude to him…

When I see a young woman who is able to work through conflict…

The problems that arise within marriage relationships are not produced by the marriage, but by the sinfulness of those who are wed. The marriage relationship is simply the realm or the context in which the sinfulness of the husband’s heart and the wife’s heart are manifest. 

The problem is not the marriage, but the people who are wed. 

Imagine a truly godly and mature Christian man and a godly and mature Christian woman.  Now imagine that these two are married. And now try to imagine their marriage being bad. Can you do it?

It is difficult for me to imagine two godly and mature people having a terrible marriage. 

I can imagine a difficult marriage if one is godly and mature, and the other not.

I can imagine a marriage being very difficult if both husband and wife are ungodly and immature. 

But it is very difficult for me to imagine a marriage being anything less than good – even great –  if indeed the husband and wife have both cultivated personal holiness and have a mature walk with Christ. Will their marriage be perfect? No, for even the “godly” among us are not perfect. Will there be room for growth in this marriage? Yes! The godly and mature husband and wife will continually deepen in their understanding of God, of themselves, of one another and of the marriage relationship. But if they are godly and mature – if they love God supremely, if they have learned to walk humbly before him, if they know what it is to die to self and to live for the good of others, if they have self-control in thought word and deed, then it is difficult to imagine their marriage relationship being anything other than good and ever improving. 

Do you want a good marriage? Cultivate personal holiness and maturity in Christ Jesus.  

Heart transformation is needed. Sanctification is needed. Maturity in Christ is needed. All of this should be sought and cultivated well in advance of the wedding day. Sadly, many do not realize how weak, immature and self-centered they are util the marriage relationship is used by God to reveal it! Thanks be to God that he uses the marriage relationship to sanctify his people. We should rejoice in this. But wouldn’t it be better to prepare for marriage by walking in humble submission to God and his word, pursuing holiness and maturity in Christ prior to  marriage, so that we might enter into the union well equipped. Do your future spouse a favor and pursue holiness in the whole of life even now.  

Know What You Are Looking For In A Future Spouse

How should a person prepare for marriage?

Secondly, it is important for you to know what you are looking for in a future spouse.

Make a list. Prioritize that list. 

Tall, dark and handsome should not be at the top of that list. Thankfully those three things were not at the top of Lindsay’s, for I certainly wouldn’t have made the cut. 

Yes, it is somewhat important that we be attracted to the person we will someday marry. A bride and groom should be attracted to one another physically and emotionally.  

But I would suggest to you that other things besides physical appearance and even compatibility, so called, should be higher on our list.

Consider that many marriages throughout the world today are arranged marriages. And consider that most marriages throughout history were arranged marriages. The dating thing that we do in our culture is really quite unusual when compared to the rest of the world and to historical practices. And those arranged marriages work. Now, I am not advocating that we adopt the practice of arranged marriages. I will admit that the practice is more appealing than ever before now that my daughters are approaching adult hood. 

The point I am making is that marriages can be very, very healthy even if the issue of physical or emotional attraction is not at the very top of the list driving the relationship. In fact, think of how shallow and vain a relationship will be if physical and emotional attraction is the thing driving it.

It is far better to have other things – things of substance – at the top of your list and to allow the issue of attraction attraction and compatibly to round it out.   

For the Christian the thing that must be at the very top of the list is the question, are they in Christ? Are they united to Christ by faith?

This is not just the opinion or preference of your parents and your pastor, but is the very word of God. 

Do not be unequally yoked.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Corinthians 6:14–18, ESV).

They must be in the Lord. 

“A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39, ESV).

They must be truly in the Lord. 

“Thus you will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:20, ESV).

Some come to faith after marriage and thus find themselves a believer married to a non-believer. In such instances the Christian should remain, “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:16, ESV). But here we are talking about entering into marriage. 

For the Christian, that the future spouse be a Christian – and truly a Christian –  must be at the top of the list. From there you should be looking for someone who is mature in Christ – someone who is sound in doctrine and faithful in his or her way of life. 

Be patient. 

If they must also be tall, dark and handsome, then good luck. I am not saying that such creatures do not exist, only that you should take great care in forming your list. Have the right things at the top, and the right things on the bottom, and be willing to abandon the non-essential things as you go along.

Know what you are looking for in a future spouse.

Approach Dating Relationships And Engagement In A Godly Way

Thirdly, and lastly, may I encourage you to approach dating relationships and engagement in godly way? Another way to say this is that a Christian should approach dating relationships and engagement in a way that is consistent with our faith in general, and our view of marriage in particular.

Pre-adults, respect your parents. They have experiences and wisdom that you don’t have. 

Courtship or dating? Engagement or betrothal? I don’t care what you call it! Engage these things in a godly way. 

Dating

Sexual purity

Emotional purity

Recognize that you are developing relational habits in your dating relationships. 

Date/court with a view towards marriage. 

Engagement

Engaged people are not married people. 

Maintain sexual purity 

No cohabitation

Engaged people should be preparing, not only for the wedding, but especially for the marriage. 

Conclusion

Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24-25

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)

New Testament Reading: 1 Corinthians 7:12–16

“To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:12–16, ESV)

Introduction 

Brothers and sisters, in this sermon series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage we will eventually address topics such as entering into marriage, having a successful marriage, challenges in marriage, as well as the topic of divorce and remarriage, but today we are still addressing foundational matters. We are answering the question, “what is marriage?” Or, better yet, “what do we learn about the marriage relationship when we look to the pages of Holy Scripture?” 

I have three foundational observations to make. What is marriage? One, marriage is a covenant. Two, marriage is for the glory of God. And three, marriage is for the good of humanity.

Marriage Is A Covenant

It should be remembered that the first of these three observations was presented last week. What is marriage? Marriage is, first of all, a covenant. 

Remember the definition that was provided. Marriage is “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community” (Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, 6).

Marriage is a covenant. More specifically, marriage it is a covenant made between one man and one woman. It is a covenant made under God. It is a covenant is made before others. The marriage covenant authorizes sexual intimacy. And the marriage covenant is to last until death. All of this was presented in the previous sermon.But before we move on from this foundational point I would like to tease it out a bit more. 

I pray that you would comprehend how important it is to view marriage as a covenant. In marriage a man makes a promise before God and witnesses to be faithful to a woman. And the woman also makes a promise before God and witnesses to be faithful to a man. This they promise to do until separated by death. What a solemn thing it is to make such a promise. What a serious thing it is to enter into such a covenant. Truly, there is no other relationship on planet earth like the relationship that exists between husband and wife. Two individuals who were were at one time interlay unrelated are joined together by God as one flesh as they enter into this covenantal bond. The marriage covenant is the glue that holds the marriage relationship together. A husband and wife are to stick together though thick and thin, and for what reason? Because they made a promise to one another before God and before witnesses that they would. 

While I was growing up I remember being taught that divorce is not an option. I’m grateful to have been taught that lesson for, generally speaking, it is true – divorce is not an option.

I say “generally speaking” because there are, of course, exceptions to this rule. Divorce, as we will see later in this series, is an option in the case of adultery or abandonment (and I think it is right to see abuse as a form of abandonment – more on that later). If a spouse is sexually unfaithful then the other is permitted (but not required) to divorce them. If a spouse abandons the marriage then the other is permitted to divorce. But these two biblical grounds for divorce are exceptions to the general rule that divorce is not an option.

Think of the impact that these principles will have upon a marriage if they are believed and adopted. If a couple views marriage as being a lifelong covenant of companionship, and, connected to that, if a couple decides from the start that divorce is not an option for them, then that couple will have set their marriage relationship down upon a fairly firm foundation. 

More needs to be said, of course. For our highest goal is not simply to remain married to the end. No, more than that we wish to thrive in our marriages to the glory of God. But here is a firm foundation upon which to stand. Marriage is a livelong covenant of companionship. Divorce is not an option.    

Therefore, when we experience difficulties in the marriage relationship divorce should not even be on our minds. Certainly the treat of it should never be on our lips. Never should a husband or wife threaten divorce. 

As I said earlier the scriptures do permit divorce in two situations – when a spouse has committed adultery or in the case of abandonment (abuse being a form of abandonment). In these difficult situations  the spouse that has been sinned against is indeed free (not required) to divorce.  But think of it, even in these extreme instances divorce, though it be permitted, does not need to be threatened. The one who has been sinned against needs to make a decision with the help of godly counsel as to if they will divorce or remain, but he or she does not need to threaten divorce. Never should the threat of divorce be used as a weapon – as a way to gain the upper hand in an argument.

I’m afraid that many do have divorce on the mind and even upon their lips, not in the extreme cases of adultery and abandonment, but even when facing the ordinary and common struggles of marriage. 

Brothers and sisters, I hope that you would agree that this is ungodly behavior. If God created marriage to be a lifelong covenant of companionship, and if God has given only two instances in which divorce is permitted, then it is wrong for us to have divorce on our minds, in our hearts, and proceeding from our lips as a threat when the relationship is difficult and tumultuous. To ponder or threaten divorce when there are no grounds for it is to disobey God’s word on the matter.

Because marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship ordinarily divorce is not an option. A husband and wife are to sick like glue to one another even if there are many factors and forces at work to pull them apart. And this is particularly true for the Christian. While it is true for all humanity that marriage is a lifelong covenant of companionship, the Christian should definitely know it this and live accordingly. And I would also argue that it is particularly possible for the Christian to live accordingly given our worldview. It is our worldview that makes it possible for us to stay through thick and thin. The Christian believes that there is a God to whom we must give an account. We believe that this God is our heavenly Father. He is faithful to his people and is willing and able to sustain his people. We believe that our God is able to change lives. How do you know, therefore, if your conduct will not lead to the salvation of your husband or wife? How do you know if your conduct will not lead to the sanctification of your husband or wife? The world is quick to leave, in part, because they do not have a biblical worldview. With God there is hope. And this hope enables us to persevere in the midst of difficulty. 

Marriage Is For The Glory of God

Secondly, marriage is for the glory of God.

What is marriage? Marriage is, first of all, a covenant. Secondly, marriage is for the glory of God. 

In just a moment I will make the point that marriage is for our good. Indeed, marriage is good. It is, in fact, very good. There is much to say about the goodness of marriage for the man and woman who enter into this union. But before we talk about how good marriage is for us, we must emphasize that marriage is for God’s glory. This is the proper order of things. What is the benefit of marriage? First, it is for the glory of God, and after that it is for our good. I’m afraid that we tend to have this backwards, though. We tend to enter into marriage for our enjoyment, and the idea that it is for God’s glory remains a distant afterthought. The truth is that the institution of marriage in general, and our marriage relationships in particular, are, above all else, for the glory of God. 

In fact the one who is mature in Christ understands that everything is for the glory of God. Everything that was made by God was made so that the glory of God might be manifest. “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge. There is no speech, nor are there words, whose voice is not heard. Their voice goes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world… (Psalm 19:1–4, ESV). Everything that we think, say and do is to be for the glory of God. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31, ESV). Certainly, marriage is to bring glory to God.  

The institution of marriage itself is for the glory of God. It functions as a picture of God’s relationship to his people. Just as God entered into a covenantal relationship with his people at the beginning of time, so too the first man and woman were joined together in one flesh union by way of covenant. This was true in the beginning and in the garden prior to man’s fall into sin. And it remained true even after man’s fall into sin. God graciously provided a way for sinners to approach him. This was accomplished by way of the Covenant of Grace which was promised shortly after the fall and would be ratified in Christ’s blood. Marriage, therefore, functions as picture of God’s covenantal relationship with his people, particularly the union that exists between Christ and the church, God’s redeemed bride. 

This is the clear teaching of the New Testament. Paul, after discussing the marriage relationship in general, and the particular role of the husband and wife who are joined together in one flesh union, says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32, ESV). In other words the one flesh union enjoyed by the husband and wife in the marriage bond is mysterious and really it is about – it pertains to and is a picture of – Christ’s union with the church. The covenant of marriage is itself an analogy of God’s covenantal union with his people brought about though the Redeemer. The institution of marriage is itself for the glory of God. It is a picture of God’s covenantal faithfulness to man. 

And certainly we bring glory to God when our particular marriages are as they should be. 

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we are faithful to one another just as God is faithful. 

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we act selflessly towards one another just as God in Christ was selfless, laying down his life for his bride, the church. 

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we are kind, tender and compassionate to one another just as God is kind, tender and compassionate towards his children. 

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we are gracious towards one another just as God is gracious to us in Christ Jesus. 

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we love one another just as Christ loves us.

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant when we truly forgive one another just as God has forgiven all our sins in Christ Jesus.

We bring glory to God in the marriage covenant we are united together as close companions as a reflection of our union with the Father through the Son and by the Spirit.  

The institution of marriage was itself designed to function as a picture of the covenantal union which exists between God and his people, but do you see that this institution is terribly marred by sin when the husband and wife live, not according to the design and will of God, but according to the wisdom and will of fallen man. The marriage relationship fails to give glory to God when approach it wrongly and live sinfully within it. 

Brothers and sisters, will you bring glory to God’s name through your marriage, or will you bring shame to his name? I would urge to stop settling for a mediocre, or worse yet, sinful marriage, and to strive for a marriage in which God is glorified. Be faithful to your spouse in thought, word and deed. Selflessly serve one another as God in Christ has served us – lay down your life for the good of the other. Be kind, tender and compassionate towards one another. Speak kind words. Be gentle. See to understand the other. Extend mercy and grace. Forgive from the heart. Cultivate closeness, intimacy, friendship. Love one as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Stop settling for mediocre marriages and strive for one that is Christlike. Strive for a marriage that brings glory to God. 

As you strive for a marriage that is God honoring you will find that the world, your sinful flesh and the evil one himself will fight against you all along the way, but in Christ we have the victory. 

Marriage Is For The Good of Humanity

Thirdly, and lastly, we must confess that marriage is for the good of humanity. 

Much has been said in this sermon about the difficulty of marriage. Marriage can be difficult. It is important for us to teach that it is a covenant and that divorce is not an option so that we might persevere in the face of difficulties. Many do enter into the marriage relationship naively assuming that it will be happily ever after for them. This is a terrible mistake, and so we must warn that marriage will be challenging. When two sinful human beings are joined together in one flesh union there are bound to be challenges. 

But may this never obscure the fact that the marriage is really, really good. It is possible to have a great marriage in Christ Jesus. It is possible to mature in marriage to the degree that the relationship can be called “wonderful”. Again, or goal as Christians should not be to endure to the end so that we might say, “at least I was faithful!” Instead we should be striving after a good and godly marriage, one that is truly pleasant and satisfying.

I wonder if our marriage relationships do not remain mediocre because we have convinced ourselves that a good marriage or great marriage is not possible. 

The same is true regarding personal holiness. I wonder if we do not plateau in our walk with Christ because we have convinced ourselves that a good or great walk with Christ is impossible. Perfection is something we should not expect, but it is something we should strive after. It is true that Christian life will be characterized by ups and downs, but let us always strive after holiness, brothers and sisters.

Have you said to yourself, “this is just the way that I am, I cannot change”? Never should a Christian believe such a thing. Christ is able to change you from the heart. Are you impatient and rude? Are you short tempered? Are you self absorbed? And prone to bitterness? Are you a bad communicator? Never should the Christian say, “this is just the way that I am.” Instead, the Christian should pursue holiness – the Christian should expect to be sanctified by the word and Spirit. 

The same principle applies to the marriage relationship. Though it is true that marriage is sometimes difficult. Though it is true that a good marriage requires work. The Christian should expect to have a marriage that is good and even great. With Christ it is possible, my friends. 

Marriage is a covenant. It is for the glory of God. And it is for the good of humanity.

In what ways is the marriage relationship good?

First of all, in the marriage relationship a husband and wife are able to enjoy companionship. 

What a blessing it is to have someone to walk through life with. 

Remember that Eve was created by God to be a helper for Adam. She was not created to be his superior, nor was she created to be his slave. Instead she was designed to be a helper fit for him. 

When I say that a husband and wife are to enjoy companionship I mean that they ought to be relationally close and intimate. They should communicate with one another. A husband and wife should be good friends. 

Brothers and sisters, if companionship or friendship is lacking in your marriage, it can be cultivated. And how can friendship be cultivated in the marriage relationship? By being kind, caring, thoughtful and considerate towards one another.

Secondly, the marriage relationship is good for humanity in that it is good for society. 

The family is the building block of society. When families are healthy, the society is healthy. When the family breaks down, society begins to break down. God’s design is that children be raised in healthy families under the authority of a husband and wife, mother and father. 

It is possible, no doubt, for a single mother or a single father to do a wonderful job at raising their children alone. But here we are addressing God’s design, or the ideal. If the situation is less than is ideal, then a single mother or father would be wise to lean upon others for assistance in raising children. But here I am setting forth the ideal. 

Brothers and sisters, cultivating healthy marriages is very beneficial to society. 

Thirdly, and somewhat connected to the previous concept, the marriage relationship is good in that it is good for the advancement of the kingdom of God. 

The kingdom of God is advanced in this world when husband and wives, mothers and fathers, raise their children in the Lord. I know that in some traditions Christians are urged to be active within the church, serving within various ministries. May I suggest to you that the most important work of all for a husband and wife, mother and father, is the work that is done within the home. Brothers and sisters, do not allow yourselves to become so busy with activities, either in the church or in the community, that you neglect investing into your children particularly when in comes to spiritual things. This is especially important for fathers to hear in our day and age. Slow down, men, and pour into your children. Drop the hobbies, cut back on work, even pull back on service within the church if you must so that you might further God’s kingdom by proclaiming the gospel to your children and raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

Fourthly, the marriage relationship is good in that it contributes the sanctification and holiness of the husband and wife. 

Please hear me, friends. One of the reasons that God has blessed you with your spouse is so that God might use your spouse to bring about your sanctification. What is sanctification? “Sanctification is the work of God’s free grace whereby we are renewed in the whole man after the image of God, and are enabled more and more to die unto sin, and live unto righteousness” (Baptist Catechism Q: 38). And I am saying that one of the primary means that God uses to sanctify his people is the marriage relationship.

At the heart of our sin is pride and self-centeredness. If we lived life all alone a great deal of our pride and self-self-centeredness would go unnoticed and unchecked. But you have probably noticed that it is through our contact with others that our pride and self-self-centeredness becomes evident. 

Friends, there is no closer relationship on earth than the one that exists between husband and wife – the two have become one flesh. If there is pride and self-self-centeredness in the heart it will quickly become evident in the marriage relationship. 

Here is another reason why threatening divorce is sinful. It short-circuits the sanctification process. Imagine the heat being turned up in the marriage – imagine the flames of the refiners fire growing more intense. And then imagine that one or both have the habit of jumping out of the kiln before the work of refinement is done.

Brothers and sisters, do not be surprised when God uses your marriage to refine you spiritually. When conflict arises within the marriage do not double down on your pride and selfishness, not recognize it for what it is, confess it as sin, walk humbly before your God and live for the good others, particularly your spouse.  This is one of the reasons the marriage relationship is good for us given our sinful condition – it will used by God to advance our sanctification.   

Conclusion

Friends, I have three questions to ask you by way of conclusion. 

One, seeing that marriage is a livelong covenant of companionship, are you truly committed to your spouse?  Are you devoted the marriage? Are you “all in” from the heart? Our marriages will be terribly unstable and tumultuous if we waver in our commitment to one another in the heart. Hopefully you meant what you said on your wedding day when you uttered the words, “I take you to be my wedded spouse, and I do promise and covenant before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful spouse in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, as long as we both shall live.” If there was uncertainty in the heart then, or if their is uncertainty in the heart now, it is not too late to fix it. We can, even now, turn from the sin of unfaithfulness in the heart and grow in our resolve. Truly, the one who doubts in the heart will be tossed around like the waves of the sea, and the marriage itself will remain unstable. Are their grounds for divorce? Indeed there are! But let us put that issue to side for a moment and say the more general thing: husbands and wives, marriage is for life! It is a lifelong covenant of companionship.”

Two, seeing that marriage is for the glory God I ask, does your marriage glorify his name? When people look at your marriage (and this includes your children) do they see God’s love, compassion, tenderness, mercy and faithfulness on display? Do they see Christ’s self-less and self-sacrificing love for his church, and the churches reciprocal love for the Savior on display? Or do they see the way of the world? Brothers and sisters, let us do all things for the glory of God. Let us strive for marriages that bring honor to our great King. 

Three, seeing that marriages are for our good, are you pursuing a great marriage in Christ Jesus? Or have you grown content with one that is mediocre? Another way to say this is to ask, are your pursuing holiness in Christ Jesus? Are you pursuing holiness as an individual and in the marriage. 

Ephesians 4:17-32 is one of my favorite passages to use in marriage counseling. Though it does not mention the marriage relationship (Paul turns to marriage in Ephesians 5) it is deeply practical for husbands and wives.  Listen to Paul’s words, and you hear them, think of the marriage relationship. “Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:17–32, ESV)

Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24-25

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)

New Testament Reading: Revelation 21:1–5

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” (Revelation 21:1–5, ESV)

Introduction 

Brothers and sisters, I would like to take some time now to give attention to the topic of marriage. My plan (as of today) is to devote seven sermons to the topic of marriage, divorce and remarriage. 

Remember that I did something similar with the doctrine of the Sabbath. The creation narrative of Genesis 1 concluded by making mention of the Sabbath Day (Genesis 2:1-3). And after moving through the text of Genesis 1 verse by verse, I devoted 8 sermons to the doctrine of the Sabbath. 

Notice that something similar happens in the creation narrative of Genesis 2. There we find a description of God’s creative activities with special attention given to the creation of the  man and woman, and then the narrative concludes by making mention of the marriage covenant. 

Isn’t it interesting that both the creation narrative of Genesis 1 and the creation narrative of Genesis 2 conclude with institutions. After creating the heavens and the earth, God instituted the Sabbath. And after creating man, male and female – and having entered into covenant with man –  God instituted the marriage covenant. 

I would suggest to you that this pattern is deliberate.  It seems that the Sabbath command brings the creation narrative of Genesis 1 to a conclusion because the Sabbath functions as a sign of God’s creation of the heavens and earth and of the promise of eternal rest held out to the man who was made in his image. And so too the marriage covenant brings to conclusion the creation narrative of Genesis 2 because it functions as a sign of God’s covenantal relationship with his people. The Sabbath command and the marriage covenant, though they differ greatly from one another, share this in common: they signify or symbolize for all humanity truths concerning God and his relationship to man. Whenever the Sabbath day is properly observed something is symbolized concerning God’s relationship with his people. And whenever marriage is properly entered into something is symbolized concerning God’s relationship with his people.

I’ll leave it to you to think more about this. If I go any further this introduction will turn into a sermon all its own. For now I will simply say that I think it is appropriate for us to tease out the topic of marriage now that the principle has been introduced to us in Genesis 2:24-25 just as we teased out the topic of the Sabbath after it was introduced to us in Genesis 2:1-3. Both the Sabbath day and the marriage relationship were instituted by God at creation, they are for all humanity, and they are symbolic institutions.

Please note that the marriage relationship was instituted by God. God is the one who created the marriage relationship. He established it in the beginning when he created the first man and the first women and joined them together as husband and wife. I hope  you are able to recognize how foundational this idea is: the marriage relationship was instituted by God. 

You have noticed, no doubt, that people are very confused about marriage in this culture. There was a time when the majority of the population actually agreed that marriage was a covenant into which one man and one woman would enter for life. Things are different now. The popular view today is that two men may marry, or two women. Why it is that polygamy or polyandry is still taboo, I’m not entirely sure. I would imagine that it is only a matter of time before this is also tolerated – that is, unless God intervenes. Notice also that divorce is much more common and accepted within our culture today. People are very confused about the institution of marriage. 

But I want you to recognize that all of the differences of opinion that exist within our culture concerning marriage can be traced back to a more fundamental question, namely, where did the marriage institution come from? How did this thing that we call marriage come to be?

Many in our culture would say that the institution of marriage came from man. In other words, marriage is the product of societal evolution. A long time ago, someone, somewhere decided that it would be beneficial for man and for society to have this institution that we call “marriage”. Marriage, according to this view, arose spontaneously from the ooze of humanity. 

But what does the Christian say? Our view is that the institution of marriage came from God.  God created the marriage relationship. God is the originator of marriage, and he, therefore, is also the orderer of marriage.

It should not be difficult to see how these differences of opinion regarding the origins of marriage produce all of the other differences of opinion that exist within our culture. 

If the marriage institution was created by man, then man is also free to regulate it. If marriage is the product of societal evolution, then we should expect that the institution will undergo constant change. For many within our culture the legalization of gay marriage is viewed as progress. It fits perfectly with their presuppositions concerning the origins of the institution. They applaud the legalization of gay marriage because they have first believed that the marriage institution came from man and is constantly evolving. Who is authorized to decided what marriage is? Man is, according to this view!

But if marriage was instituted by God in the beginning – if it was designed by him – then we should not expect nor desire that it be changed. The Christian does not say, how might we improve this thing called marriage? but instead, Oh, Lord, help us to conform our marriages to your will. If God is the originator of the marriage institution, he is also the orderer of it. Our place is not to create new ways, but to conform our lives to the ways that our Creator has established.  

Do you want to have a marriage that gives glory to God? Do you want to have a marriage that is truly right and good? Do you want a marriage that is blessed of God? Then to his word we must go! We must begin by asking, what have you said, Lord, concerning marriage? And after that we must say, Lord, help us to conform our lives to your most holy word. 

What do we learn about the marriage relationship when we look to the pages of Holy Scripture? I have three foundational observations. One, marriage is a covenant. Two, marriage is for the glory of God. And three, marriage is for the good of humanity. I will elaborate on the first of these today and return to the last two next Sunday, Lord willing. 

First of all, marriage is a covenant. 

It is, to quote one author, “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community” (Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, 6).

To enter into a covenant is to make a solemn promise. To enter into a covenant is a very serious thing. To break a covenant is a grave sin. 

Notice that the word “covenant” does not appear in Genesis 2. There we simply read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, ESV). Clearly it is the marriage relationship that is being described. And though the word “covenant” is not found here, the rest of scripture makes it clear that the marriage relationship is established by way of covenant. 

Other passages could be sited, but Malachi 2:14 will suffice. There the prophet is found rebuking the man who has abandoned his wife, saying, “the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14, ESV). Marriage is a covenant. The relationship is established by making a solemn oath or promise.

I have five points to make concerning the marriage covenant. 

One, the marriage covenant is made between one man and one woman. 

Last Sunday I read from Mark 10 and that passage where Jesus was being questioned by the Pharisees concerning divorce. And I pointed out how Jesus appealed to this passage here in Genesis 2:24-25 in order to establish God’s ideal for the marriage relationship. Remember how Jesus replied to their questions, saying, “But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:6–9, ESV). In due time we will come to consider the topic of divorce and remarriage. For now I simply wish to demonstrate how Jesus himself interpreted the Holy Scriptures. When Jesus considered the narrative of Genesis 2 he understood it to be foundational. He understood that when God created the man and the woman and joined them together in one flesh union, it established a pattern to be followed. Where do we find God’s design for marriage? We find it beginning in Genesis 2. 

And what is God’s design for the marriage covenant? His design is that one man and one woman enter into it. It is not right for a man to marry a man. It is not right for a woman to marry a woman. It is not right for a man to marry multiple women. And it is not right for a woman to marry multiple men. All are violations of God’s deign for the marriage relationship. Marriage was instituted at creation. Adam and Eve entered into this covenant. This pattern, therefore, was established for all humanity living in all times and places. Have societies deviated from this design throughout the ages? Indeed they have! But insofar as they deviate from God’s design established at creation we must say that they are in error. 

Homosexuality is everywhere condemned as sin in the Holy Scriptures, Old Testament and the New. It should not be difficult to see that homosexual marriages are sinful and are not valid in God’s eyes when compared with the plain teaching of Holy Scripture. They are sinful relationships and they deviate from God design for the marriage covenant.

Do men sometimes feel attracted to other men? Do women sometimes feel attracted to other women? I do not doubt it at all. But this does not mean that it is right to act upon the feeling. What kind of world would we live in if we allowed ourselves to be governed by the rule “if I feel it then it must be ok for me to act upon it”? Even the homosexual would have to admit that they would not want this rule to govern all conduct. Tell me, what would you say to the drunkard who says, “I was born this way?” Would you not lovingly come alongside him and say, “friend, I understand that your desire to drink to the point of drunkenness is very strong, but you must fight against it.” And what would you say to the angry and abusive person who says, “I cannot help it! The feelings of rage are all consuming!” Would you not loving say to her, “friend, I understand that your desire to be given to rage is very strong, but you must fight against it.” What about the adulterer? The liar? The thief? Will you excuse their sin also when they say, “I was born this way”, or “the temptation is just to strong”? You will have compassion, I’m sure. But you will not excuse their sin. Why the different standard when it comes to same sex attraction? God calls homosexual acts sinful. Who are we to disagree with God. 

What those who experience same sex attraction need is Christ. Indeed, this is what we all need. We all know what it is to have our affections bent out of shape because of sin. We all know what it is to be tempted to sin. We have all experienced the powerful pull of the world, the flesh and of the evil one himself. No one is immune from this. All have acted upon it. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All need the Savior. All need to have their sins washed away. All need to be renewed by the word of God and by his Spirit. Oh, that sinners like you and me would come to have faith in Jesus Christ who is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. 

Listen to God’s word: “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” Listen carefully to Paul’s words as he wrote to the Christians living in Corinth! He went on to say, “And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9–11, ESV). “And such were some of you”, he said. You Christians, prior to being “washed… sanctified… and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ”, were those things. You were sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, men who practice homosexuality, thieves, etc., etc.

The scriptures are clear that it is a sin to practice homosexuality. Certainly, God does not view homosexual marriages as valid, for they are sinful relationships, and a distortion of his original design for marriage. 

The same may be said of polygamous or polyandrous marriages. They are a distortion of God’s original design.   

In the beginning God created one male and one female and joined them together in one flesh union. This is God’s design for marriage. This is the pattern to follow. The two became one in marriage and they were to stick together like glue. 

It is interesting to notice that many of the biblical patriarchs and heroes of the faith (so called), entered into polygamous relationships. Think of Abraham, Jacob, and King David, for example. These men took more than one wife. This would not be so difficult to understand if one would simply recognize, first of all, that not everything in the Bible is prescriptive, but is sometimes only descriptive. When the scriptures reveal that Abraham took Hagar as a wife alongside Sarah in his old age it does not mean that it was right, it simply describes what happened. And notice that the narrative itself suggests that it was wrong for him to do so. It was a foolish move, the result of unbelief, and a decision that resulted in much heartache. Abraham in this instance decided to go the way of the world and to act according to human wisdom instead of believing upon and following after his God. The same can be said for Jacob and David. Secondly, we must acknowledge that although there are some things about the lives of the patriarchs that are to be admired and imitated (namely, their eventual faith in the promises of God), the scriptures actually emphasis their sins and shortcomings in order to demonstrate that whatever good came from them was not the result of their own doing, but by the grace of God. Their polygamous marriages would be an example of this – they were wrong, even for them and in that day.   

Where do we find God’s ideal for the marriage relationship? Not in the life of Abraham, nor in the present trends within our godless society, but in the Holy Scriptures in general, and at creation in particular. The marriage covenant is to be made between one man and one woman.

Two, the marriage covenant is made under God.

There is a horizontal dimension to marriage, no doubt. A man and woman stand before one another and take vows. But there is also a vertical dimension. The man and woman make their vows before God. Listen again to Malachi 2:14 which says, “the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14, ESV). And listen again to Jesus’ words in Mark 10. commenting on the Genesis 2 passage, Jesus said, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9, ESV). When a man and women enter into the marriage covenant God is involved. God is witness to the covenant being made. And God is the one who joins the man and women together in one flesh union so that two become one flesh. This is why Jesus offers these words of warning, “what therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9, ESV). Those who participate in the undoing of a marriage covenant are in fact undoing a work that God has done. Notice that I did not say, “all who have been divorced” – for there are valid grounds for divorce given in the pages of Holy Scripture, as we will see – but “those who participate in the undoing of a marriage covenant”. These – and I have in mind here the unfaithful husband or wife, the seductive woman or man who draws the spouse away, or those who facilitate the ungodly act – these are in fact fighting against God and should expect his judgement. Lord have mercy on us. The marriage covenant is one made under God.

Three, the marriage covenant is made before others.

I suppose the only exception to this rule would be the wedding of Adam and Eve, for there were no other humans to witness it. I suppose we could say that God and the angels attended their wedding. But throughout the scriptures we do notice that marriage vows would be made before witnesses. Consider the wedding of Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 4). Consider that wedding events in the Bible are described as feasts involving the community. Consider that Christ preformed his first miracle at a wedding in Galilee when he turned water to wine.  When we take wedding vows we say them before God and man. Why? In part, because the marriage institution is for the good of society. 

The vows that we make in the wedding ceremony are very important, friends. The vows are what communicate the substance of the covenant being entered into. The most important part of the wedding ceremony are the vows. And may I suggest that traditional are the best. I would warn against novelty in the wedding vows. I would also warn against using them as a time for comedy. The wedding vows should be taken seriously. A bride and groom should say something like this to one another in the presence of God and man:

“I take you to be my wedded spouse, and I do promise and covenant before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful spouse in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, as long as we both shall live.”

Four, the marriage covenant authorizes sexual intimacy.

Sex outside of the marriage relationship is a distortion of God’s design. Put more bluntly, it is sinful. The world scoffs at this idea, doesn’t it, but the scriptures are clear. And you would think that even the godless would be able to recognize the slew of troubles that come upon men and women when they engage in sex outside of the bonds of marriage. 

It is important to recognize that sex does not create the one flesh union that Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10 mention. The joining together of a man and women as one flesh does not happen through intercourse. Instead, it is the marriage covenant that joins a man and woman together as one flesh, and the act of sex is a sign and seal of that union. 

The reason that sex outside of the bonds of marriage is sinful is because it is a misuse of God’s gift. Sex is to be enjoyed by a husband and wife. It is symbolizes their union. It aids in their intimacy. It is the means of procreation, which is appropriate for those who have been joined together in marriage. To engage in sex outside of the bounds of marriage is a misuse of the gift of God. 

An illustration that a Christian would would understand would be that of the Lord’s Supper. Who should partake of the Lord’s Supper? The one who has faith in Christ should partake. Partaking of the Supper does not unite us to Christ – faith does. Instead, the Lord’s Supper is a sign of the covenantal and spiritual bond that exists between Christ and his people. It is highly inappropriate for someone who does not have faith in Christ, who has not been united covenantally and spiritually to Christ, to partake of the Supper, therefore. They are receiving the sign without the having the substance of the thing signified. It is a misuse of the gift of God. And so it is with sex outside the marriage covenant. It is to partake of the sign apart from the substance. It is a profaning of that which is holy. 

This is why Paul, when speaking against sex outside the bounds of marriage says, “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh” (1 Corinthians 6:16, ESV). His point is that sexual intimacy is appropriate only for those who have been wed. 

Five, the marriage is a covenant is to last until death. 

In time we will come to talk about divorce and remarriage. The scriptures do say that there are valid grounds for divorce. Specifically, they are adultery and abandonment. In the case of adultery and abandonment divorce is permitted. We will come to deal with these things carefully in the weeks to come. Today I am making the more foundational observation that God’s ideal for the marriage relationship is that it last for life. 

Remember the definition of the marriage covenant that was given earlier. Marriage “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community” (Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage, 6).

That the marriage convent is to last for life is also heard in the traditional vows which conclude with the words, “as long as we both shall live.”

And this was Jesus’ perspective also. When the Pharisees were asking him when divorce was permissible he decided to set forth the ideal for marriage when he said, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9, ESV). 

This was Jesus’ interpretation of the passage that is before us in Genesis 2:24, which says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, ESV).

Jesus’ understanding of Genesis 2:24 was that it set forth God’s ideal for marriage. And God’s ideal is that a husband and wife would break with the household they were raised in, would establish their own household, and having been made one flesh, would stick to one another like glue. The word translated in the ESV as “hold fast” means “cling to, to join with, to stay with.” 

God’s design is that marriage be permeant. And how important it is for this to be said. It is important for those who hope to marry in the future to hear this. They need to understand now, and not after the fact, that when the stand before God and man to take their wedding vows they are not saying, “well, we will see how it goes.” No! They are making a promise – they are taking a vow – to be “loving and faithful” to the one standing opposite them for life. This they will do “in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, as long as we both shall live.” This is important for those who hope to marry in the future to hear. And it is also important for those who are married now to hear. It is good to for them to be reminded of these things. 

The trouble is that many do not mean what they say when they take their wedding vows. With their mouths they say I will be “loving and faithful, in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow”, but in their hearts they mean “I’ll stick around so long as you fulfill me. I’ll be faithful so long as things go well. I’ll remain so long as you make me happy.” Lord help us. In the marriage covenant we are vowing to be loving and faithful to other, even if things don’t go well. 

Application

Do you see that there is a connection between God’s covenantal relationship with his people and the covenant of marriage? Marriage is to function as a picture of God’s covenantal faithfulness to his people. Is your marriage a picture of covenantal faithfulness?

What is it that holds your marriage together?  Will it last so long as you feel satisfied? Or will it last because you have made a promise?

Are you selfless or selfish in your marriage? Do you look at your spouse and think, “I hope he or she pleases me today?” Or do you think, “I hope that I might please him or her”?

To those not married who hope to wed in the future, I hope that you would agree that it is important for you to understand marriage before entering into it. 

May God be glorified in our marriages. May the love of Christ be displayed as we serve one another and extend grace to one another in Jesus’ name.