Nov 18
18
Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24–25
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: Ephesians 5:22–33
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:22–33, ESV)
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Introduction
In the previous sermon we began to address the question, how can we have a successful and God honoring marriage? Three answers were given: One, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Two, a husband and wife must learn to extend mercy and grace to one another in Christ Jesus. And three, a husband and wife must be long suffering. These three answers were directed towards both the husband and wife. A marriage will be healthy if both the husband and wife decided to love one another, extend grace to one another, and are long suffering.
In this sermon we are again asking the question, how can we have a successful and God honoring marriage?, but the focus will be upon the particular role that husbands play in the marriage relationship according to the scriptures. Yes, there are general principles that must be applied by both the husband and the wife – both are to love, extend grace, be long suffering, etc. But the scriptures are also clear that husbands have a particular role to play within the marriage. How should we go about building successful and God honoring marriages? One, husbands must love their wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. Next week we will turn our attention to the wives and say, wives must submit to their own husbands as to the Lord.
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I. Husbands, Love Your Wives Just As Christ Also Loved The Church And Gave Himself Up For Her
Today our focus is on husbands.
The scriptures are clear that husbands are to take the lead within the marriage relationship. A husband is to view himself as responsible for the wellbeing of his wife and family, for this is how God views him. The husband is to do everything in his power to care for his wife and children physically, emotionally and spiritually (the words “in his power” are important, for there are some things that are beyond our control).
This principle is clearly communicated in Ephesians 5:23 which says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (Ephesians 5:23, ESV). Paul says something similar in 1 Corinthians 13:3 where he writes, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3, ESV). The idea being communicated here is that the husband has authority within the marriage and the home. It is not absolute authority. God and Christ have authority over the husband. But the husband does have authority within the home. Put differently, husbands have a responsibility to lovingly lead their wives and their families in all things.
Now before we progress any further it should be noticed that this order of things is rooted, not in culture, but in creation. In others words, this statement, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” is based, not upon the cultural norms of Paul’s day, but upon God’s design for the marriage relationship established at creation.
There are many even within the church today who would claim that the words of the Apostle Paul concerning male headship in the home do not apply to us today. And how do these so called “Bible believing Christians” defend their position? They claim that Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 11 simply reflect the predominate view of the culture in which Paul lived. According to their view this order involving male headship is not to be taken as timeless and unchanging, but has changed with the evolution of culture. A hallmark of liberal and progressive theology is the expectation that religion will and, more than that, ought to evolve over time. In their view our culture has progressed beyond the chauvinistic and misogynistic culture of Paul’s day, and is therefore to be preferred.
At least two things should be said in response to this view.
First of all, the scriptures do not in any way promote chauvinism or misogyny, but insist that men and women stand before God on equal footing. Both males and females are made in God’s image. They are equal in worth. The same Apostle who said, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” also said, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28, ESV). Viewed from the standpoint of our worth and our position before God in Christ, there is no distinction between men and women. If we had the time it would not be difficult to demonstrate that Jesus himself had a view of women that was radically different from the one the was predominate within his culture. He honored women. And much could also be said concerning the prominent role that women played within the early church and the respect that was shown to them. It is in fact ignorant to claim that the scriptures, Old Testament or New, promote chauvinism or misogyny. They simply do not.
Secondly, the words of the Apostle concerning male headship are rooted, not in cultural norms, but in the order of creation. Are there some things described in the Bible that are cultural? Are there some instances where, upon studying a passage of scripture, it is right for us to say, “well, that was how they did things then, but we do things differently now, and that is okay”? Yes, of course! But we must prove that a thing was merely cultural, or that it was unique to the Old Covenant and is not for the New, before we disregard it. Some, I am afraid, disregard the clear teaching of scripture by using the excuse, “that was for then, but times are different now” while offering up no evidence at all for the thing being rooted in culture. The end result is that many truths that are in fact timeless and unchanging – truths that are meant to be believed and obeyed by the people of God in every generation – are carelessly thrown into the trash, and the results are devastating.
When Paul says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” he is not saying, “this is how we do things in our culture”. Instead he is saying, this should be true of every marriage – particularly Christian marriages – in every time and place because this is how God designed marriage to be. The marriage relationship was designed why God to function as a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. The husband is to be to the wife what Christ is to the church, and the wife is to be to the husband what the church is to Christ. This is not a cultural phenomenon, but is God’s design for marriage established at creation.
In 1 Timothy 2 Paul addresses the role that men and women are to take within the church. What we find is that the role of men and women within the church mirrors the role of husband and wife in the home. It is the men who are to take the lead ands have authority in the home and in the church. Now, this is not a sermon about the role of men and women in the church, but I hope you are at least able to see the connection. And notice how Paul argues for male leadership within the church. Again, he does not argue from culture, but from creation, when he says, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet [as it pertains to teaching, I take it]. For Adam was formed first, then Eve” (1 Timothy 2:12–13, ESV). Much can be said about this, but for now notice that Paul roots his teaching concerning the roles of men and women within the church, not in culture, but in creation when he says, “for Adam was formed first, then Eve.” In essence he says, this is how things should be because this is how God designed it to be. Adam was formed first. Adam was the one responsible to keep the covenant. Adam was appointed to be the federal head or representative for all. Adam was to lead Eve, he was to guard her and protect her, and Eve was to be a help to him. This was God’s design at creation.
As I am saying all of this you are probably thinking to yourself, I know the story of the fall of man as recorded in Genesis 3. Didn’t the opposite of this happen? Didn’t the serpent approach Eve first? Wasn’t Adam absent? Didn’t Eve, instead of being a help to Adam, serve at the agent by which the temptation came to him? Yes! And that is the point. God designed Adam to function as the head of Eve, and for Eve to be his helper, but the opposite is what came to be. The man and the women decided to do things their own way. Indeed, this is what is at the heart of all our sin. We sin when we disregard God’s word and decide to go our way.
What does God’s word say concerning the proper role of the husband in the marriage relationship? God’s word says, “the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…” The husband is to lead, therefore, just as a Christ leads his people. The husband is responsible for the wellbeing of his wife, just as Christ took responsibility for the wellbeing of his people. The husband is to do everything in his power to care for his wife physically, emotionally and spiritually. The husband has authority over his wife and family, just as Christ has authority over his church. “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…”
I do sympathize with those in the world who shutter and cringe upon hearing the words, “the husband has authority over his wife and family, just as Christ has authority over his church”. I sympathize with them because I understand how easy and common it is for this principle of male headship to be misunderstood, misused, and even abused within marriage and family.
Is it true that the husband is head of the wife, and that the husband has authority within the home? Yes, we confess this is true. But what do sinful men often do with their God given authority? It is not uncommon for men to either neglect it or abuse it.
Many are negligent, irresponsible and even absent.
Some are domineering, oppressive, and even abusive.
This is the what many have experienced, and so it is no wonder that they have a more difficult time warmly receiving the words of scripture, “for the husband is the head of the wife”.
What we are proposing is that in Christ it is possible for a husband to lovingly lead. Authority and self-sacrificing love are not contrary to one another. In fact they should fit together hand in glove. Anytime a person is given authority, be it as a husband, a parent, a boss, or as an officer within Christ’s church, that authority should be characterized by self sacrificing love.
Do you remember what Jesus said to his disciples when talking about the issue of wielding authority? Jesus called his disciples to himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many’” (Matthew 20:25–28, ESV).
This is how the Christian is to wield authority, whatever authority it happens to be – the Christian is to lead as a servant. The Christian is to govern by laying their lives down for the good of those they govern. Though it might be true that the Christian has first place in some realm, be it in the home, in the work place, in government, or in the church, he or she is to make the wellbeing of those who are under their authority their highest priority, and they are to serve. This is what Christ did for us. “The Son of Man [who has authority over all] came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:25–28, ESV).
When the scriptures say that the husband is head of the wife, this is the thing that is envisioned – a husband who lovingly leads his wife and family with the heart of a servant being ever mindful of the fact that his authority is not ultimate, but that he himself lives under the authority of God.
Notice that in the Ephesians 5 passage husbands are called the “head of the wife” in verse 23, but in verse 25 they are commanded to “love”. Husbands are not commanded be the head of the wife, for this they are by virtue of the marriage covenant itself. But they are commanded to love. In others words, if you are a husband then you are the head of your wife and family. God views you as the one responsable for them. It is not something that you have a say in. A husband simply is the head of the wife, even if he does not realize it or act like it. But in verses 25 a command is delivered. So here is something that husbands must choose to do. A husband must choose to love his wife.
Verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:25–30, ESV)
Husbands are to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved church. The question that husbands should now ask themselves is, how did Christ love the church? If I am to love my wife in the same way that Christ loved the church then I must know something of the way that Christ loved the church if I hope to imitate him in the marriage relationship.
I have seven observations about Christ’s love for the church and its implications for the Christian husband. I will move through them rather quickly. I should also say that if you were to pick up Jim Newheiser’s book, “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage” and open to chapter 12 you would notice that these seven points are the seven headings of that chapter.
First of all, husbands should love their wives unconditionally.
It should be remembered that when we are talking about love we are speaking, not of emotion primarily, but action. To love is to do good to another. Love does often involve feelings of affection, but affection is the fruit of love, not the root.
And what is unconditional love? It is love that is given without condition. It is love extended to another without requiring the one being loved to earn it or merit it in any way.
Ask yourself this question at a later time – is my love for my wife conditional or unconditional? In other words, do you love your wife only when she seems lovely to you, or do you love her irregardless of her loveliness? I would suggest to you that our love for others is often conditional love. “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”, we say. Or I’ll love you so long as you love me. Or I love you provided that you are lovely.
But this is not how Christ loved us. Christ’s love for the church was and is unconditional. We did not earn Christ’s love at the beginning, nor must we earn it now that we are in Christ. Christ’s love for his church – that is, for all who are elect in Christ Jesus – is not conditioned upon anything within there creature, but is freely given. Aren’t you thankful that God’s love for us in Christ is unconditional? Those who understand the severity of their sin will admit that they could never earn God’s love. Thankfully, Christ has loved us unconditionally. “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:6–8, ESV).
Conditional love will probably work just fine in the during engagement or on the honeymoon, but it will not make for a healthy and happy marriage. Truth be told, we are not always lovely. And if our love is conditioned upon the loveliness of our spouse, then we will find it difficult to love for the long haul. Remember the marriage vows. Did you not promise before God and man to love your spouse in sickness and health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow as long as you both shall live? Truth be told, your spouse will change over time. Some of those changes will indeed be lovely changes, but some changes might be less than lovely. Our physical appearances change over time. Our personalities changes. Our physical heath might deteriorate. So too our mental health mighty deteriorate. Life has its ups and downs. Life is not always lovely. If our love is conditional, it will not endure in the face of difficulty. But if it is unconditional, our love for our spouse will thrive in good times and in bad.
This is there love that God has for us in Christ Jesus. This is the kind of love that a husband is to have for his wife – unconditional love.
Secondly, husbands should love their wives sacrificially.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV), the text says. If a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church he must lay his life down for her.
Brothers, this is not about taking a bullet for your wife. This is more about cleaning up after breakfast for her. This is not about pushing her off the tracks as the speeding train approaches. This is about choosing to speak to her kindly even if she has been rude to you. This is what it looks like for a husband to give himself up for his wife – he is die to himself daily, cloth himself with the garb of a servant, and live for her good.
Frankly, in some ways it would be easier to lay down your life in a moment of heroism than to lay it down daily in humble, servant hearted, self-sacrificing devotion. Heroic acts, though very good in and of themselves, do agree with our pride. But in order to daily lay your life down in humble, servant hearted, self-sacrificing devotion, you must put sinful pride to death. That is hard for men to do.
Christ did it. He humbled himself to the point of death. And so should we if we are in Christ Jesus. Husbands, “have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:5–8, ESV). Husbands should love their wives sacrificially.
Thirdly, husbands should love their wives with a purifying love.
Brothers, your wife’s faith and her growth in Christ is your responsibility. Now I am not denying that it is ultimately God who must give your wife the gift of faith and grow her up in it by the power of the Spirit. Nor am I denying that your wife has responsibility in the matter – she must choose to believe upon Christ and follow hard after him. What I am saying is that you also are responsible.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25–27, ESV).
Christ loved the church with a purifying love. He did not love us because we were lovely. He loved us to make us lovely. And husbands are to love their wives in this way. Husbands are to love their wives seeking always their sanctification in Christ Jesus.
Husbands, are you praying for and with your wives?
Are you ministering the word to them?
Are you encouraging them to regularly partake of the ordinary means of grace?
Are you promoting their love for God above all things?
Husbands should love their wives with a purifying love.
Fourthly, husbands should love their wives as themselves.
Christ summarized the whole law of God with these words: love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And secondly, love your neighbor as your self. Husbands, your wife is your closest neighbor. You are to love her as you love yourself.
Notice the observations that Paul makes in Ephesians 5. When a husband loves his wife, he truly does bless himself given the one flesh union that exists between man and wife. “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’” (Ephesians 5:28–31, ESV).
Husband, do you want to be blessed in life? Then love your wife! Pour yourself into her. Cherish her. Build her up. Encourage her. Labor to provide for her every need – physical, emotional and spiritual. Trust me brother, this will come back to you tenfold. “He who loves his wife loves himself”, given that you are in one flesh union with the women,. To bless her is to bless yourself.
Fifthly, husbands should love their wives with an affectionate love.
I have insisted that love is not an emotion in this series. I think it is important that this be stressed given that in our culture love is often mistaken for an emotion. Love is an action, a way of life, a choice that we make. This is why the scriptures command us to love – love is something we can choose to do. It is not an emotional state that we fall into and out of.
There are times when we must love out of duty. When a person loves an enemy he or she loves out of duty. Sometimes a spouse might seem to be an enemy. But brothers, our wives need more than to be dutifully loved. Husbands should love their wives with an affectionate love.
The marriage covenant is a covenant of companionship. When the marriage is healthy and husband and wife should consider one another friends. Romance should be present within the marriage. A husband should strive to be emotionally connected with his wife. He should rejoice over her. He should love here with an affectionate love.
Affection can be cultivated, friends. When a husband chooses to gives thanks to God for his wife, his affections for her grows. When a husband prays for his wife, his affection for her grows. When a husband chooses to show love to his wife, his affection for her grows. When a husband treats his wife with kindness and respect, his affection for her grows. When a husband praises his wife with his words and express his love and appreciation for her, his affection for her grows.
Love is not the same as affection, but our love should be affectionate. Be tender to your wives, men. Invest into her emotionally.
Sixthly, husbands should love their wives with an understanding love.
Men will often joke that they cannot understand their wives. Truth be told, if a man cannot understand his wife it is probably because he has not tried very hard.
Certainly we know that it is not impossible for a husband to understand his wife, for this is what God expects of husbands. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV). Are you telling me that God’s word is here commanding us to do that which is impossible? Is God really threatening us with hindered prayers if we fail to do that which is exceedingly difficult? No! It seem much more reasonable to think that this command to “live with your wives in an understanding way” is something that is very doable. Every Christian man is capable of it. In fact, if you are not doing it, it because you have have chosen not to do it, which is why your prayers will be hindered according to the Lord. Husbands must seek to understand their wives.
Brother, do you know your wife? Do you understand her strengths and weakness? Do you know what brings her joy and what causes her to fear? Do you know what makes her feel secure? Can you discern when she is struggling spiritually and emotionally? Do you know what makes her feel loved? Do you live with her in an understanding way?
Notice that Peter refers to wives as a weaker vessel. I have pointed out before that the wife is the weaker vessel, in part, because of the position that she has been asked to take within the marriage, namely, one of submission to her husband. The other reality is that women are called weaker vessels because they tend to be more delicate and fragile when compared to men. They are more delate physically, and they tend to be more delicate emotionally. Men should never take advantage of this, but instead they should live with them in an understanding way, show honor to them, and handle them as they would a precious and delicate vessel.
Seventhly, and lastly, husbands should love their wives with an affirming love.
Let me simply read a quotation from Newheiser’s book, “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage” to make this final point.
“Many husbands are very critical. They manage their homes by exception, ignoring what is done right, while carefully pointing out ways their wives fall short of their expectations. Constant criticism is like a cancer that eats away at a marriage. In contrast, the husband in Proverbs 31 praises his wife, saying, “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all” (v. 29). Your wife is not perfect, but neither are you. Make every effort to affirm to her the good that God is doing for you and others through her. Ray Ortlund writes, ‘Deep in the heart of every wife is the self-doubt that wonders, ‘Do I please him? Am I whats he dreamed of and longed for? Will he love me to the end? Am I safe with this man I married? Will he cast me off? Even if we go the distance will he get tired of me?’ A wise husband will understand that that uncertainty, that question, is way down deep in his wife’s heart. And he will spend his life speaking into it gently and tenderly communicating it to her in many ways, ‘Darling, you are the one I want. I cherish you. I rejoice over you as no other… I love the thought of growing old together with you, hand in hand all the way. I will hold you close to my heart until my dying day’” (Newheiser, 92).
Husbands should love their wives with an affirming love.
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Conclusion
Brothers, in short it is time that we man up and love our wives as Christ loved the church. Any fool can be an irresponsible husband. Any fool can be a self-centered, domineering, manipulative, authoritarian husband. A Christian husband is the love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for he. This is something that you and I must simply decide to do.
The excuse “this kind of love was not modeled for me” will not do. It may be that your earthly father did not model it, but your heavenly Father has: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, ESV)
Tell me friend, do you know the love of Christ?
Are you now abiding in the love of Christ, living in ongoing reliance upon his sustaining power?
Then let us love one another as he has loved us to the praise of his glorious grace.
