Dec 18
2
Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24–25
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: James 3:1–4:3
“Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 3:1–4:3, ESV)
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Introduction
This is now the seventh sermon in this series within a series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage. So far we have only addressed the subject of marriage, and the same will be true of the sermon today. Teaching concerning the difficult but important subject of divorce and remarriage will be presented in the weeks to come, Lord willing. Today we are once again asking the question, how can we build marriage relationships that are healthy and God honoring?
My original intention for this sermon was to address common problems that arise within marriages. Couples often struggle to show love, to resolve conflicts, and to develop physical and emotional intimacy. It is common for conflicts to arise over issues such as parenting, time management, and finances. Indeed, if we were to make a list of the problems prevalent within marriages the list would be quite long. But instead of saying a little about a lot of common problems I have decided to say a lot about one issue in particular, and that is the issue of communication.
I have three reasons for focusing in upon the issue of communication.
One, in my experience this is the thing that couples struggle with the most in marriage. Husbands and wives often struggle to communicate. Their communication may be either nonexistent, superficial, or hostile.
Two, if my reasoning is sound, improving communication will also bring improvements to the other issues that husbands and wives face. I think you would agree that husbands and wives can work through many things, even very difficult things, if they only had the ability to speak the truth to one another in love.
Three, communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. The health of your relationship is directly tied to the health of your communication.
You cannot say that you have a relationship with someone if you have never spoken with them. If someone asks you, “do you know so and so…” you cannot answer in the affirmative unless you have at some point and in some way communicated with that person. If you have never communicated with them you may say, “I know of her”, but you can say I “know her…” But if there was communication in the past, even if it was only a brief exchange, then you may say, “I know her”. Communication is the thing that establishes a relationship. You pass by people every day. You make eye contact with some of them. But you do not have a relationship with any of them, unless you talk. And the more frequent and substantial the communication, the deeper the relationship. You may rightly say that you know a person that you met only once years ago, but you cannot say that you know them well. How do you come to know someone well? It is by frequent and substantial communication. This is true of your relationship with God. A person’s relationship with God may be called “strong” when that person knows God’s word, walks according to it, and lives in constant and prayerful dependence upon him. It is also true of our relationships with one another, and especially husbands and wives. The health a marriage relationship is directly tied to the health of the couples communication. Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.
I have five points to make that I hope will help us to improve in our communication with one another, particularly within the marriage relationship.
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I. Husbands and Wives Must Resolve to Communicate Well with One Another
First of all, husbands and wives must resolve to communicate well with one another.
A couple of things are implied in this point.
First of all, it is implied that good communication requires effort.
Why is it so difficult for us to communicate well? Why does good communication require so much effort? The answer is that we are fallen. Communication is difficult for us because of the sins, weakness and immaturities that are in our hearts.
Stringing together a series of words in a coherent fashion is not difficult for most people. This we learned to do at a very young age. Communication becomes difficult when there is some sin or weakness in the heart of the one speaking or in the heart of the one listening.
Things like pride and fear make good communication difficult. A judgemental or harsh spirit is a hindrance to good communication. The same may be said of the one who is defensiveness or overly sensitive. These sins and weakness are barriers to healthy communication.
It seems to me that this point is illustrated in the narrative of Genesis chapters 2 and 3. We have read this text many times now, and so it should be familiar to you. In that passage where the institution of marriage is first mentioned we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV). Adam and Eve were created to enjoy intimacy in the marriage relationship. They were joined together by God in a covenant of companionship. And we know that they did in fact enjoy this intimacy – that they were in fact close companions – for we are told that “the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
What is meant by this? Well, first of all it simply means that they were physically naked and felt no shame about that. But the narrative of Genesis 3 will make it clear that their physical nakedness and lack of shame corresponded to their spiritual, emotional and relational nakedness and lack of shame. Adam and Eve stood before one another completely naked and exposed in every way as husband and wife, and they felt no shame. They knew one another truly and thoroughly. They did not hide anything from one another for there was nothing to hide. Before sin entered into the world there was no shame. This was true for Adam and Eve in regard to their relationship before God, and this was true of to their relationship with one another.
But as we will see all of this changed when the couple fell into sin. In Genesis 3:7 we read, “Then [that is, after the ate of the forbidden fruit] the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths” (Genesis 3:7, ESV). The couple then hid from God. And what happened to the blissfulness of their one flesh union? Their perfect and shameless companionship was corrupted and marred by conflict.
God confronted Adam concerning his sin, and what did Adam say? He shifted the blame, saying, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12, ESV). And do you remember the curse pronounced upon the woman? “To the woman [God] said, ‘I will greatly increase your labor pains; with pain you will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you’” (Genesis 3:16, NET).
What am I saying? Well, simply this: do not be surprised that good communication will require effort this side of the fall and this side of the new heavens and new earth. I trust that you are able to string words together in a coherent fashion – that is not the problem. The problem is the sin that resides within our hearts. We can harsh, judgmental, defensive, uncaring, disengaged in our communication, and this is due to our sin.
The secondly thing implied by this first point, husbands and wives must resolve to communicate well with one another, is that many are in fact complacent in the their poor communication.
You and I have developed communication habits, I’m sure of it. And I am also confident that some of those habits are bad habits. Some have the habit of not really listening. Others have the habit of speaking harshly. And others have the habit of shutting down when the conversation goes in a direction they are not pleased with. I could go on and on with a list of bad communication habits.
At some point we simply have to decide that we are going to make good and Godly communication a priority. At some point we must say, God and Christ are Lord, not only over that which I think and do, but also over my speaking and even my listening. Tell me, friend, do you speak to the glory of God? And do you listen to others to the glory of his name?
I will not develop this thought too much for the sake of time, but I am convinced that one of the ways that we can glorify God the most is through our communication. God is a communicating God. One of the things that it means for us to be made in his image is that we are able to communicate with him. And one of the things that it means for us to be a part of the human species is that we are able to communicate with one another. Eve was made to correspond to Adam. The two could, among other things, communicate with one another and together they could commune with God. Marriage was instituted to serve as a picture of God’s covenantal relationship to his people. Marriage is in fact an analogy of Christ’s relationship to the church. If the relationship between husband and wife is to function as a picture of the relationship between God and his people, then we had better pursue intimacy in our communication, for God has communicated to us through his Son and has reconciled us to himself through our union with him. Let us resolve to glorify God, not only in our thoughts and actions, but also in our communication. Let us speak and listen in a way that gives glory to God.
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II. Husbands and Wives Must Communicate in Love
This brings us to the second point in this sermon which is, husbands and wives must communicate in love.
Let us communicate being driven by our love for God and our love for one another.
I would assume that many when they hear the exhortation to speak the truth in love, they assume it means to speak in a gentle and loving tone. And while it is true that our tone should usually be gentle and loving, I can actually think of instances where it is good and right and, dare I say, most loving to speak in a firm and confrontational tone. Did not our Savior do this? Did not the prophets do this? Did Christ and the prophets sin when they spoke firmly with the rebellious of their day? No! For though their tone might have been harsh, their words were spoken in love. They said what they said in the way that they said it out of a true love for God and out of a true love for their neighbor. Now, I would imagine that it would be on very rare occasions that a husbands and wives would need to be so firm and dirrectr with one another. But the point I am making is this: to “communicate in love” is to communicate being driven and governed by a sincere love for God and a sincere love for the one you are communicating with.
What is motivating your communication? When you listen and speak to your spouse or children (or anyone for that matter), what is driving you? What principle is governing you?
Two things should be driving and governing all of our communication. First of all, love for God. And secondly, love for one another.
I will ask the question again, are you seeking the glory and honor of God in your listening and in your speaking? Are you mindful of this question as you communicate with others: is God pleased with the way that I am listening and speaking?
And secondly, are you seeking the good of your neighbor (your spouse) in your communication? Is your communication with others driven and governed by love?
I am convinced that most of our failures in communication can be traced back to a failure to love the one we are communicating with. Instead of loving and serving the other with our ears and mouth, we love and serve ourselves.
There have been times where as a father I have spoken too harshly to my children. I’ve grown impatient with them and have barked at them. And when I have analyzed those instances of sinful communication I have often come to the conclusion that I was simply being lazy as a father. Instead of being driven by my love for God and love for my children I was driven by love for self. Instead of asking the question, what do my children truly need right now? I asked the question (though I didn’t realize it at the time), what will be easiest for me? What did my children really need? What would have been most beneficial them? They probably needed their father to intervene in the situation (whatever it was) in a calm manner. They needed their father to listen so as to truly understand the situation (whatever it was). And they probably needed their father to offer advice and maybe even discipline so that the problem might be truly resolved and so that the sin (whatever it was) might truly be addressed and repented of. That is what my children really needed. But that would have required a lot of time and effort, and I was tired, and so I carelessly communicated. Instead of listening and seeking to understand before speaking (maybe even firmly), I just yelled at them. Instead of being driven and governed by a true love for God and a true love for my children, I was driven by love for self.
And what can I say about arguments that I have had with my wife? The same principle applies. If my communication with her was always driven and governed by my love for God and my love for her then I dont think we would ever fight. We might have differences of opinion, but those differences of opinion would never turn into arguments or fights if we were being driven and governed by love as we communicate with one another.
I don’t think Lindsay and I are unique in this. There have been times where after having an argument we look back upon the argument and have a hard time remembering what the argument was about. Maybe it was a difference of opinion about money or what color to paint the walls or where to go for dinner, but the argument became an argument, not because of money or paint or a restaurant, but because of a failure to love. At some point someone started to be selfish. Someone started to be driven by pride. Someone decided that they would have to have it their way. And that is what caused the fight, not the difference of opinion.
James 4:1 poses the question, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?” Listen carefully to the answer that James gives. “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 4:1–3, ESV) It is selfishness or the sin of covetousness in the heart which causes quarrels and fights.
Brothers and sisters, our communication with one another must flow, not from selfish hearts, but from selfless and loving hearts. We should look into the eyes of the one we are communicating with and think, I am going to interact with this one in a way that is pleasing to God and in a way that will be for their good
Ephesians 4:15 says, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:15–16, ESV). This should be our goal in communication – to build one another up.
Spouses have been exhorted in this sermon series to love one another, that is, to live for the good of the other. What I am proposing to you now is that the greatest opportunity we have to love one another is through our communication. We love one another when we listen and seek to truly understand one another. Brothers and sisters, there is so much power in our words. Our words have the power to either build up or tear down. Husbands and wives must communicate in love.
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III. Husbands and Wives Must Learn to Listen Well
Thirdly, husbands and wives must learn to listen well.
When I say “communication” I would imagine the very first thing that comes to mind is talking. But really the beginning of good communication involves listening. And by listening I do not mean allowing the other person to make noise with their mouth so that your ear drums vibrate, but actually laboring to understand the other persons point of view before responding. Your first objective in communication should be to hear the other person so as to understand them. Most of our bad communication begins with poor listening.
This is why James says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…” (James 1:19, ESV). What is the thing that we should do first when communicating? We should listen! This is the thing that we should be eager to do – listen. We should labor to truly understand the perspective of the other person. And what is the thing that we should be willing to delay? Our speaking.
Proverbs 18:12 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Proverbs 29:20 says, “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”
If we hope to have good communication we must learn listen well.
Here are a few things that you can do to become a good listener.
The first step is to actually want to understand the other persons perspective. Often times we do not make it past this step, but have winning the argument as a highest goal.
Secondly, be sure that you are giving full attention to the one who is speaking to you.
Thirdly, during especially important or sensitive conversations repeat back to the person what it is that you heard them say. You may say something like, “if I undestand you correctly this is what you are saying…”
Fourthly, it is also helpful to ask clarifying questions, saying, “is this what you meant when you said such and such?” We should be ever aware of the fact that we are prone to misunderstand what others are saying. Sometimes we take what they are saying in a way different from how they intended it. Sometimes we read in to what they are saying. Sometimes are defensive and overly sensitive. If our goal is to truly understand the other person then we will take the time to ask clarifying questions.
As I said before, the trouble is that our goal is often not to hear so as to understand the other, but to get our own way. Instead of listening carefully, repeating what we have heard and asking clarifying questions, we pick apart the words of the other, capitalize on every misstep and assume the worst so that we might have ammunition to use against the other to win the argument.
Brothers and sisters, “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others…” (Philippians 2:3–5, ESV)
Let us love one another by truly listening to one another.
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IV. Husbands and Wives Must Learn to Speak Well
Fourthly, husbands and wives must learn to speak well.
Husbands and wives would be wise to say the right thing to one another at the right time and in the right way.
Husbands and wives should always say the right thing. We should always speak the truth to one another. Never should we lie. And sometimes husbands and wives will need to say difficult things to one another. If there is some weakness or sin that you see in your spouse, it should not be ignored.
Some, I have found, are prone to avoid difficult conversations at all costs. This mighty seem easier in the short term, but things will be more difficult in the long run.
Others are hasty and careless in their confrontation. They see a problem and address it immediately and often in a harsh manner.
We should be truthful with one another, but timing and tone matters.
Husband, if there is something you need to address with your wife be careful when you choose to do it. Do not address it when the two of you are tired, or in the middle of and already heated argument, or when the kids are around.
Wives, if there is something you need to address with your husband be careful when you choose to do it. Perhaps not the moment he walks in the door from a long and stressful day work.
Tone also matters. Confrontation does not have to involve conflict. We should be able to speak calmly to one another about difficult matters. We should be aware of our tone and also our body language when we communicate.
The goal should be to say what needs to be said at a time and in a way that gives the others person the greatest opportunity to listen well to what is being said.
Brothers and sisters, say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way.
Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person”.
Proverbs 15:4: “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit”.
Proverbs 15:23: “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”
I understand that some people (men in particular) struggle with communication in that they do not talk enough. Men, we need to talk. And we should be willing to talk with our wives about things that are deep and substantial.
But many more struggle with communication because their words are too numerous. Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”
Brothers and sisters, “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
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V. Husbands and Wives Must Communicate with Hearts Prepared and Pure
Fifthly, and lastly, husbands and wives must communicate with hearts prepared and pure.
It is so very important for you to understand this principle: the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart.
Listen to the words of Christ beginning in Luke 6:43: “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:43–45, ESV).
Are you struggling to controle your words? Then check your heart!
The same principle is communicated in the James 3 passage that was read at the beginning of this sermon.
James draws attention to the power that it is in the tongue. Though a very small part of our body, the tongue has great power. Like a bit that controls the direction of a powerful horse, like the the small rudder which steers a great ship, and like a small spark which sets a forrest ablaze, so the tongue, though very small has the power to do great harm or great good. The way we use our tongue in many ways determines the course of our life.
James also points out that tongue is the hardest thing of all to control. He says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body” (James 3:1–2, ESV). And again in verse 7, “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With our tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:7–10, ESV).
And why is it that we have such a hard time controlling the tongue? How can it be that we spew forth such evil and poison with our words? How can in be that in one moment we use or tongue to bless God and the next we use the same tongue to curse men made in the image of God? James agrees with Jesus. It is the heart that is the problem. “Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice” (James 3:11–16, ESV).
A fresh water spring will produce fresh water, fig tree will produce figs, and a heart that is pure and well prepared will manifest itself in purity of speech, “for out of the abundance of the heart [the] mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45, ESV).
Prepare your hearts, brothers and sisters. Do this daily. But especially do it prior to confronting someone concerning sin. “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5, ESV)
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Conclusion
Dear friends, let us resolve to communicate well with one another.
Let our communication be driven and governed by our love for God and for one another.
Let us learn to listen well.
And let us learn to speak well.
Above all let us live with hearts that are pure and well prepared, “for out of the abundance of the heart [the] mouth speaks”.
The health of our marriages depend largely upon the health of our communication.
If we hope to have healthy and God honoring marriages we must learn to love one another ion our listening and in our speech.
