Nov 18
11
Old Testament Reading: Genesis 2:24-25
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:24–25, ESV)
New Testament Reading: 1 Corinthians 13:1–8, 13
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends… [Verse 13] So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13, ESV)
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Introduction
Brothers and sisters, this is now the fourth sermon in this series on the subject of marriage, divorce and remarriage. Up to this point we have defined marriage as a “a lifelong covenant of companionship between a man and a woman that has been established under God and before the community”. Also, a few things have been said about entering into marriage: One, to prepare for marriage a person should pursue holiness and maturity in Christ in all that they think, say and do. Two, they should know what they are looking for in a future spouse while preparing for marriage. For the Christian this means that they should find another Christian (one who is truly a Christian, and not a Christian in name only). And three, a person should approach dating relationships and engagement in a godly way. Today we turn our attention to the topic of having a successful marriage.
As I have said before, our objective is not merely to survive in marriage, but to thrive. Our aim should be to build marriages that thrive so that God be glorified through them. What, therefore, are the keys to building a successful marriage? What are the crucial ingredients for a God honoring and good marriage?
I have three three points. One, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Two, a husband and wife must learn to extend mercy and grace to one another in Christ Jesus. And three, a husband and wife must be long suffering. Let us now consider these three points at a time.
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I. A Husband And Wife Must Learn To Love One Another In Christ Jesus
Firstly, a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. Christlike love is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.
I am aware that this might sound simplistic to some.
Imagine a couple approaching their pastor saying, “our marriage is in shambles. What do we need to do to make it strong?” And the pastor says, “the two of you really need to love one another.” Put this way, the answer seems simplistic. But may I suggest to you that, though the point be simple, it is far from simplistic. There is, in fact, substance in this answer – there is power in it. Truly, the key to a healthy marriage is love. If a husband and wife hope to have a strong and healthy marriage to the glory of God they must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus.
Pay careful attention to what I am saying.
Notice the word “learn” in this answer. A husband and wife must learn to love one another, I say.
And what is implied by the word “learn”?
Is it not implied that love is something that we must chose to do?
Many assume, I fear, that love is primarily an emotional experience. And I do not deny that there are genuine feelings that come along with sincere love. But we are mistaken when we believe that love is, above all, an emotion. No, in fact, love is an action. It is something that we choose to do. When I say “if a husband and wife hope to have a strong and healthy marriage they must learn to love one another”, this is what I mean. The man and the woman must learn to love. They must learn to treat one another lovingly. They must learn to love one another in thought, word and deed.
When I say that we must learn to love, is it not also implied that love is something that does not come natural to us, but is a way of life that must be developed?
And here is where the theological liberals and progressives get all bent out of shape. Many in our culture imagine that man is basically good from birth, and that man knows how to love naturally. This theory is disproven by the word of God and by the world around us. I will not deny it, men and women do naturally have the ability to feel feelings that we often associate with love. From a young age we know what it is to feel attraction to another, to be infatuated with another, to desire and even lust after another. But this is not love. In fact many of these emotions that we feel have more to do with our own desire for gratification than desiring the good of the other. We are not talking about feelings that we often associate with being in love, but action – selfless action done for the good of another. This, I am saying, does not come natural to us given our sinful and selfish propensities, but is something that must be acquired. Love is something we must learn to do in Christ Jesus. It is a way of life that must be cultivated and developed.
The word of God is clear that we do not by nature love aright. An observation of the world around us also proves it.
Do we have affections by nature? Do we feel feeling of fondness towards other people and things naturally? The answer is, yes we do! We naturally set the affections of our heart on other people and things. This is something that we do constantly. What is the problem then? The problem is that our affections are bent out of shape by the sin which ours by birth. We by nature set our affections on things that we should not have affection for – that which is evil. Or sometimes we set our affections on things that are good but in an inordinate way. By that I mean certain persons or things might indeed be worth of our affection, but not to such a high degree. Parents do this with their children all the time. Is it right that we have affection for our children? Of course it is right! But let us beware of making our children little gods within our hearts. There is a kind of affection that is appropriate for God, and there is a kind of affection that is appropriate for creaturely things, even our own children. The same can be said for every other thing in this world – food and drink, the beauty of nature, learning, physical fitness, rest, our spouse. These are all good things that are worthy of our affections, but only to a degree and within their proper place. Let us be sure that our affections are set on the right things. And let us also be sure that they are orderly.
I mighty also ask, do we have the capacity to love by nature? Do we have the ability to make choices and to live for other people and things. Again, the answer is yes! We being by nature free creatures and having the ability to act upon choice are certainly able to love. We have the capacity to feel affections towards people and things (this has already been addressed), and we also have the ability to devote ourselves to those people and things. Some love football, for example. They feel affection for the sport, and they also devote themselves to it. They spend their time thinking about it. They are religious in their observation of it. They invest their money into it. They love the sport, and their way of life proves it. Again, what is the problem? The problem is that we sometimes set our love upon the wrong things. We love that which is not good and lovely. At other times our love is inordinate. We love things that are good and lovely but in the wrong way.
The word of God testifies to our distorted love and affections, and our observation of the world around us also confirms it. Why all of this talk about our bent out of shape love and affections? It is all to say to that love – that is, good and godly love – is not something that comes natural to us because of our sin. We have affections, but they are by nature disorderly. We love, but the wrong things and in the wrong way. Do not be surprised, therefore, that a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus. May I suggest to you that one of the best training grounds for love is the marriage relationship. There two become one, and there in that covenant bond they are to learn to love one another.
Notice also the word “love”. A husband and wife must learn to love one another.
Here it simply needs to be demonstrated that love is an action or way of life.
Yes, love and affections are closely related. And yes it is true, a husband and wife should feel affection for one another. But may I suggest to you that when the scriptures command us to love they are not commanding us to feel affection, but to take action. Love is a way of life.
The 1 Corinthians 13 passage that was read at the beginning of this sermon is perhaps the best known passage on the subject of love. Let me read verses 4-7 again and, as I do, ask yourself the question, is love an emotion or a way of life primarily?
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV)
It should be clear to all that love is an action, or way of life.
When Jesus in John 13:34 commands us saying, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another…” he does not mean feel fondness for one another, but instead treat one another in a loving way. In fact, after saying, ”love one another” Jesus says, “just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Jesus’ disciples are to treat one another in the same way that Christ has treated us. And it is this way of life that the world will take notice of – “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
The world cannot see our affections, but they can see our love, for love is an action. Remember, “love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, ESV).
Friends, love is not something we fall into or out of, it is something that we learn to do.
And notice also the little phrase, “in Christ Jesus”. A husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus.
By this I mean three things:
One, it is Christ Jesus who has demonstrated to us what true love is. Do you want to know what perfect love looks like? Look to Christ! If we are to love well we must love in Christ Jesus, or as he has loved.
Two, it is Christ Jesus who enables us to love through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. By nature we do not love as we ought to love. We love the wrong things (often ourselves), and even when we love the right things, we love them wrongly. This is our condition apart from Christ while in our sin. But in Christ we are renewed by the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit. In Christ our heart of stone is turned to flesh. In Christ our hearts that are by nature dead to God are made alive to God. Christ enables us to love through the regenerating power of the Holy Spirit.
Three, it is Christ Jesus who teaches us to love more and more through the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit. Although you have been made alive by Christ that does not mean your struggle with sin is over. Indeed, there are many sinful corruptions that remain within you and I to war against the Spirit’s work within us. The Spirit has written God’s law on our hearts and is training us to keep God’s law. And what is the summary of God law? To love God with all the heart, soul mind and strength, and to love ones neighbor as oneself.
When I say that a husband and wife must learn to love one another in Christ Jesus, I mean that we must love one another just as Christ has loved us, we must love having been freed by him to love, and we must do so in continual dependence upon him.
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II. A Husband And Wife Must Extend Grace To One Another In Christ Jesus
Secondly, a husband and wife must extend grace to one another in Christ Jesus. Grace is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.
You have just heard me say that husbands and wives must love one another. The question before us now is, what are we to do when our spouse is not loving us as they should? Instead of being patient, they are impatient. Instead of being kind, they are rude. Instead of dying to self they insist on their own way. What if they are irritable and resentful, etc. What is a Christian spouse to do then? The answer is that we must show mercy and grace.
Thew world operates according to the works principle. The law that the world lives by is I will treat you as you deserve. I will be kind to you once you are kind to me. Be rude to me and I will respond in like manner or I will withdraw. I’ll show you love and respect once you love and respect me. This is the law that the world lives by: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
But is this how God has dealt with us in Christ Jesus? Has he dealt with us on the basis of our works? Does he make us earn his love? Thankfully not, for he know s that we are incapable of doing so. Instead, it is by grace that we have been saved. It is by grace through faith, and by virtue of the selfless and sacrificial work of Christ that God has brought us into a right relationship with himself. “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:9–10, ESV). Remember that our marriages are to be a picture of God’s love for his people in Christ Jesus.
Oh, how I wish it were so that husbands and wives would love one another perfectly being always patient and kind, and never arrogant or rude. But friends, you and I both know that the most godly among us still struggle with sin. The very best husbands and wives will indeed sin against each other. What then? The answer is that we are to extend mercy and grace.
The scriptures tell us that we are love our enemies. If we are willing to show kindness to our enemies, why not our own spouse when they are being rude to us?
Here the words of Christ in Matthew 5:38: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:38–41, ESV). This might at first seem like a strange text to site in a sermon on marriage, but it does apply, doesn’t it? By no means am I encouraging husbands or wives to remain in a truly abusive situations, but the principle here is that as Christians we must not be governed by the “eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” principle. Instead, when we are struck (metaphorically) speaking, we should should not strike back, but instead turn the other cheek. If this is how we are to respond to those who persecute us in the world, how much more should we be willing to extend grace and mercy to our own spouse when they are failing to love as they out to love.
I have seen this time and time again. A marriage is struggling. Harshness, rudeness, selfishness dominate. The husband and wife are encouraged and instructed to love one another – to be kind and patient, tender and thoughtful. But the couple struggles so badly to change. Why? In part is it because the works principle governs the marriage – mercy and grace is lacking.
Would you turn with me to 1 Peter 3. Peter is speaking to the wives in 1 Peter 3:1 when he says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1–2, ESV). How is a wife to respond to a husband who is failing to obey the word of God? She is to be subject to him. She is to respond by laying down her life for him. She is to be sure that her conduct is respectful and pure. And it will be in this way that her husband is to be won without a word. I do not need to tell you how different this way is from the way of the world. The worldly wife will seek to change her husband, not without a word, but with many words! The Christian wife is to win her husband without a word through her “respectful and pure conduct”. She is to adorn herself, not externally with “the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing [she] wear[s]” but instead she is to adorn herself with “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” And then Peter remarks that “this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:3–6, ESV).
This is my very favorite passage to share with a Christian wife who’s husband is ungodly or immature in Christ. I love that Peter mentions Sarah and Abraham. How did Sarah respond to Abraham? How did she adorn herself as his wife? She showed honor to Abraham, even calling him lord. I would image that some would respond to this saying, “ya, but Sarah was married to Abraham, the father of the faith, a godly man.” Sister, have you read the story of Abraham? Have you read of all of his shortcomings? Twice he abandoned Sarah to a King’s haram. He foolishly too Sarah’s servant as a second wife. He was far from perfect. And yes Sarah showed him honor.
I should here say the thing that has been said time and time again in this series. The Bible does permit divorce. Two grounds are given – adultery and abandonment. In these instances divorce is permitted. So there are limitations to what I am here saying. But those issues aside, we must extend grace to one another. We musty learn to show honor even if the other is acting less than honorably.
Notice that Peter says something similar to the husband in verse 7 of the same passage. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV).
What is the principle that ties Peter’s instructions to wives and his instructions to husbands together? What is the principle that stands behind the word “likewise” of verses 1 and 7? Did you notice the word “likewise”? It is the principle of showing honor even to those who mistreat you. Instead of the law of “an eye for an eye” it is law of “love your enemies” that is being put forth here.
In fact, this theme runs from 1 Peter 2:13 all the way through to the end of chapter 3.
Look at 2:13: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people” (1 Peter 2:13–15, ESV).
Look now at 2:18: “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God” (1 Peter 2:18–20, ESV).
Notice the reason that Peter gives for this kind of conduct. Verse 21: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:21–25, ESV)
The “likewise” of verses 1 and 7 of 1 Peter 3 has reference to this gracious way of life. Husbands and wives are not to live according to the “eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” principle, but instead they are to extend grace, showing honor to one another, even if the other is acting less than honorable.
Tell me brother; tell me sister, does the works principle dominate your marriage, or is your marriage infused with grace? Wives, I can tell you from experience that the Spirit of God convicts me most strongly as a husband when my wife responds to my rudeness or irritability with kindness and respect.
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III. A Husband And Wife Must Be Long Suffering In Christ Jesus
Thirdly, and very briefly, if a husband and wife hope to have a successful and God honoring marriage they must be long suffering in Christ Jesus. Patience is a key ingredient in good and God honoring marriages.
Truth be told, many loose hope in their marriages way to soon.
Do you remember what was said in the middle of that that passage on love found in 1 Corinthians 13? It says, “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7, ESV). Brothers and sisters, we need to endure in marriages. We need to persist with hope in our marriages.
What should we do as we persevere in the marriage relationship?
We should be sure to address issues as they arise respectfully and in love.
We should be be gracious and kind to one another while we pursue sanctification in Christ Jesus.
We should focus on ourselves, asking am I walking holy and humbly before God?
And we should pray. Pray, pray, pray.
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Conclusion
Tell me friend, do you know the love of Christ?
Do you know how to love as Christ loves?
Are you merciful and gracious to your spuce?
Are you long suffering?
