Aug 16
14
Pre-Introduction
Last week we looked at the roles of the husband and wife as described in Ephesians 5:22-33. Wives are to submit to their husbands as the church does to Christ, and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her.
These are commands to be obeyed, friends. But the Christian might still wonder, how exactly am I to fulfill these roles and responsibilities consistently and well? What exactly does it look like for a wife to lovingly submit and for a husband to lovingly lead?
Today we will burrow down a little more deeply into that question as we look at, what I am calling, the “secret” to a healthy marriage. You do understand that it’s really no secret all. The scriptures are plain concerning these things. The secret to a healthy marriage is actually found in the passage immediately preceding the passage we considered last week. And this is not surprising. Remember how I said that the passage concerning roles is connected to the preceding passage? Remember how in 5:21 all Christians are exhorted to submit to one another, and then in 5:22 wives are called to do this same thing, but particularly in relationship to their husbands.
In truth, there is not only a connection between the principle of submission in verses 21 and 22, but rather all that is said from 4:1 through 5:21 should be remembered and applied by the husband and wife who are covenantally bound to one another in marriage.
Friends, we tend to make things way too complicated in marriage. We are wrong to think that some special relational tactic – some special techniques – are needed to maintain a healthy marriage relationship – tactics and techniques that differ from those we employ in other relationships. In truth, the husband and wife should relate to one another in the same way that Christians relate to one another. The difference is found in the degree of intimacy that exists between a husband and wife, and in the specific obligations that they have in relation to one another. But the relational principles are really the same, and not different.
Notice this. Paul addresses all Christians in 4:1-5:22. He explains in this text how all Christians should treat one another. But it is not as if, once he comes to the topic of marriage in 5:22, he expects us to leave all that has been said to Christians in general behind. Instead he expects that we will pick up these general relational principles, carrying them with us, and applying them ALL THE MORE within the Christian marriage. In other words, 5:22 does not break with the preceding passage, moving on from it to speak of marriage and marriage roles. Instead, 5:22 is a continuation of what has been said, and an elaboration of it. All Christians are to submit to one another in the Lord (that is the message of 4:1-5:21), but especially wives to their husbands (5:22-33). And all Christians are to love one another in the Lord (4:1-5:21), but especially husbands to their wives (5:22-33). And, as we will see, Christians are to treat one another in all sorts of ways that are good and selfless and Christlike (4:1-5:21). Friends, less is not expected of the Christian husband and the Christian wife, but more! If anything the Christian husband and wife should be more patient, for example – more kind – more eager to maintain unity – more careful in their talk – more willing to forgive one another – and so on. Husbands and wives are to apply these principles in their relationship to one another even more, and certainly not less, given the intimacy of their union with one another.
And so I will read 4:1-5:21. I know that these words are written to Christians in general, and not specifically to husbands and wives. But I want you to listen to them with marriage in mind. I’m desiring that you would pick these principles up and, of course, apply them to your relationship with one another. But then carry them home with you. Take them into the car. And after you park the car, carry them out of the car and into the front door – it’s just like taking the groceries in! And once you have have these principles inside, use them in the kitchen and in the living room. Put them to practice, friends, even more so within your marriage, and certainly not less. Listen carefully to the text, friends. I will not have time to cover all that is said here.
Let us now give ourselves to the reading of God’s word.
New Testament Reading: Ephesians 4:1-5:21
Paul wrote to the Ephesian church, saying, “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Therefore it says, ‘When he ascended on high he led a host of captives, and he gave gifts to men.’ (In saying, ‘He ascended,’ what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.)
And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.
Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, ‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.’
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 4:1–5:21, ESV)
Thus far the reading of God’s word. May the Lord bless the preaching of it.
Introduction
Friends this is a long passage. For the sake of time, we will not go through it in great detail. Also, there are some things in the passage that have only to do with church life, and not family life. We will focus in upon the principles that apply most directly to the husband and the wife in the marriage relationship.
So what is “the secret” to a healthy and happy marriage? I think it is love. Love is the secret to a happy marriage. And that sounds really trite, doesn’t it? It sounds cliche to say that love is the secret to a healthy marriage. And to modern ears it is also sounds very unhelpful.
The opinion of the modern man is that love is something that comes and goes. It is something that you fall into and may fall out of. And it is usually thought to be an emotion – something you feel towards another person. And so if this is what you have in mind when I use the word love it is no wonder that that the statement “love is the secret to a healthy and happy marriage” sounds trite, cliche, and rather unhelpful.
If this is how you understand love – if you think of it as primarily and emotion – something that you can fall in and out of – then you might here me saying that what is needed is for the husband and wife to rekindle the spark that they had at first? What is needed is romance – emotion – the feeling of love that was there when the couple first looked into one another’s eyes and heard the sound of harps and angels singing. This really is what the world tends to think when they here someone say, “what you need is love.”
Really, that is a hopeless thing to chase after. It’s a pour foundation for a marriage. Chasing after the emotion of love is like chasing the wind. And keeping it feels like trying to hold on to the wind. It’s fleeting.
But that is not at all what I mean when I say that “love is the secret to a healthy and happy marriage.” I’m speaking of things much more practical and concrete – things that we are able to lay our hands on and to use in our relationships day by day and we put them to work. Love is an action, friends. Love is something that we choose to do. It is not, first of all, an emotion, though we sometimes use the word to describe our feelings of affection. Love is a verb, friends. Love is something we are commanded to do.
So what is love? God is love! That is a far more helpful definition of love than the one the world offers. The world defines love saying, “love is love.” What does that mean, anyways? What a waste of words. You’ve said nothing when you say, “love is love.” Of course what the world means when they say, “love is love” is that the definition of love is obvious and they have the monopoly on it. Beyond that, love is a feeling involving attraction and passion and affection for another person. And who are we to ever argue with someone concerning their feelings, sense, in their view, to love it feel attraction to another. That is what is meant by the phrase “love is love” – I get it. But the scriptures offer a far more helpful – a far more substantial and true definition of love. God is love. He loves perfectly. Never does he lack in love. He loves correctly – meaning that he loves the right things in the right way. It is possible to love the wrong things, friends. And it is possible to love the right things but in the wrong way. And God loves always – never is he lacking in love. God is love. So if we are to love rightly, we must begin by loving God supremely. And if we are to love rightly, we are to love the things that God loves. God is love. He is the standard. He is the example. He is to be mimicked.
And do you see, friends, that the love of God manifests itself in action. For God to love someone means that he has determined to do good to that person. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, ESV)
By the way, the word translated “so” in our english bibles – “for God so loved the world” – is not describing the depth of God’s love and affection for the world, but rather the way that God has loved the world. These two ways of interpreting the word so could not be more different. Tell me, friends – we just concluded a series through John’s gospel and so you should be able to answer this – how is the word “world” used in Johns gospel? It is used to describe all the peoples of the earth, Jew and gentile. But more than that it carries the connotation of wickedness and rebellion against God. The “world” in John gospel, is not a good thing. It implies darkness as opposed to the light of God. John 3:16 is not communicating that God sits in heaven with a feeling of deep affection for the dark, sinful, and rebellious world, thinking, oh, I love these people soooo much! Instead, the thought is this, “For God, [in this way], loved the world”. What way? you ask. He love the world in this way, by giving his uniquely begotten son for the salvation of sinners. In the greek the word translated “so” is οὕτως. It literally means, “as follows”. “For God loved the world as follows, or in this way, by giving his uniquely begotten Son.” That is the thought.
Friends, this is not just me ranting about the way that John 3:16 – the most famous verse in the Bible – has been so badly interpreted in our day. I make this point to get to the heart of something very important. Whenever we hear the word “love” we tend to think of feelings of romance or affections. But when the scriptures speak of “love” they often are saying something about the way that a person has, our ought, to treat another.
Love is a verb, friends. Love is a way of treating another person. Love is commanded. Christians are to love even their enemies. This means that a Christian is to do good others, even those living in opposition to them.
So when I say that the secret to a healthy marriage is “love” I am not saying that a husband and wife must feel “in love” with another., if their marriage is to thrive. Instead, I am saying that a husband and wife must choose to love one another.
Wow. These two ways of thinking about it couldn’t be more different.
In the “love is a feeling” approach the husband looks at the wife, and the wife looks at the husband and they think, “I expect you to make me feel a certain way in this relationship. You must interest to me. You must be attractive to me. You must fulfill my desires. You must meet my needs. The ‘spark’ must be there. And if it is not, I guess it is time to move on – or maybe we can hang on, but living in a perpetual state of unhappiness.”
But in the “love is an action” approach the husband and wife look at themselves and say, “I have entered into a covenant with this person. I have vowed and promised to love this person. I will love them to the end. I will labor to serve them. I will live for their good. I will seek to meet their needs. I will consider them as more important than myself. In short, I will die for, not once at the end, but from day to day.”
This is the only kind of love that is worthy to serve as the foundation of a marriage. It is love expressed in covenant. It is a decision to do good to another person. I hope that the affection is there too! The emotion of love, the romance, the friendship, the “spark” – that’s all good! I hope it is there. Indeed, it ought to be there. But it cannot serve as the foundation of the marriage. It’s icing on the cake, friends.
Over the years, I’ve conducted a number of wedding ceremonies. I always take folks through premarital counseling before conducting a ceremony. And one thing we do in premarital counseling is work on the wedding ceremony itself. Over the years I’ve grown more and more traditional in the way that I conduct the ceremony. In particular, I’ve been more and more adamant that the couple take their vows very seriously. The trend has been for couples to write their own vows, and I am not necessarily opposed to that. But I do encourage seriousness. I don’t think it should be a time for joking. And I think it is foolish to promise to do all kinds of things that either do not really matter or cannot really be followed up on. We should vow to do what is essential. And we should mean what we say, really intending to fulfill the vow. And so I find myself nudging couples in the direction of traditional vows.
Early in the wedding ceremony I typically lead a couple through a “public declaration of consent” where I ask the man,
“…do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of marriage? And do you promise to love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, to comfort her, honor and cherish her, and forsaking all others keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live? If so, say ‘I do’.
And then I ask the woman,
“…do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of marriage? And do you promise to love him, comfort him, respect and submit to him even as the church submits to Christ, and forsaking all others keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live? If so, say ‘I do’.”
Later in the service, vows are made. Traditionally the husband and wife will say something like this to each other:
“I… take you… to be my wedded husband/wife, and I do promise and covenant before God and these witnesses to be your loving and faithful husband/wife in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, as long as we both shall live.”
The point I am laboring to make is that the only adequate foundation for marriage is a covenantal commitment on behalf of a husband and wife to love one another sacrificially. If your marriage is in turmoil I guarantee that it simply a lack of love – biblical, action oriented love – that is the problem.
Have you heard the poem, “The Clod and the Pebble” by William Blake? It nicely sums up what I’ve been saying about the two ways of love. It goes like this:
“Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell’s despair.”
“Love seeketh only self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another’s loss of ease,
And builds a Hell in Heaven’s despite.”
Husbands and Wives, Decide to Love One Another
Husbands and wives, decide to love one another. Decide to do good for the other. Decide to live, not for yourself, but humbly, sacrificially, and for the good of your spouse.
More specifically, I’m urging you to decide to love your spouse in thought and word and deed.
Love in Thought
Love in thought, friends. By this I mean that we must begin with our own minds and hearts. Our words and deeds (which we will come to in just a moment) spring from somewhere! According to the scriptures, they spring from the heart and mind. You must keep your heart and mind, Christian!
Do you see that Paul really begins this entire section by addressing attitudes of the heart. He urges Christians in 4:1 to “…walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called…” And then he addresses the heart saying, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
You will not “walk worthy”, friends, if your heart and mind are filled with pride. You will not “walk worthy” if your heart and mind are perpetually agitated, as opposed to gentle, meek, and mild. You will not “walk worthy”, friends, if you are not mentally prepared to “bear with” the weakness of others. You will not “walk worthy” if there is not love in your heart – namely, a resolve to do go to the one that you have entered into covenant with. You will not “walk worthy” if their is no eagerness in the inner person to maintain the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace.
This is first and foremost an inner struggle, friends. Your marriage relationship, folks, begins in your own mind and heart. Think about that, for a moment. What you do there in the mind and heart matters greatly. It WILL impact the marriage (not to mention the rest of life).
Let me hone in on two things in particular.
One, the husband and wife must put away all bitterness of heart, and instead labor to forgive from the heart. Husbands and wives sin against each other, don’t they? Saddly, this is inevitable in the fallen world. We offend one another. How important it is that we “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave [us].” (Ephesians 4:32, ESV)
Two, the husband and wife must put away all covetousness and instead rejoice and give thanks. Notice the warning against covetousness in 5:5. “For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.” (Ephesians 5:5, ESV) This is warning against greediness – looking at what others have and wishing it were yours. It describes a person who is discontent. The tenth commandment is “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. And you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.’” (Deuteronomy 5:21, ESV)
Covetousness is poison to the soul, and it is poison to the marriage bond. Covetousness – looking at what others have and desiring it for yourself – will rot you to the core.
Brothers and sisters, cultivate contentment in your hearts. Cultivate it in every arena of life, but especially in the marriage. Give thanks for what God has given to you. Rejoice!
“And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:18–21, ESV)
The thought world matters greatly, friends.
Love in Word
Let us also love with our words.
Communication is to the relationship what blood is to the body. We must communicate, friends. We must talk. But we must also learn to talk well. Did you notice how much Paul has to say about words in this text?
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,” (Ephesians 4:15, ESV)
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26–27, ESV)
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV)
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31, ESV)
“Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.” (Ephesians 5:4, ESV)
Communication is one of the things that couples routinely struggle with.
Speak the truth… in love.
Slow down the conversation… be quick to listen.
Understand the power of words, friends. Use kind words.
Love in Deed
And let us also love in deed.
I will spend very little time here because the meaning should obvious given all that has already been said. We should live for the good of our spouse. We should be eager to serve them in practical ways.
Conclusion
The marriage relationship can sometimes seem very complicated. On reason for this is that we have developed bad habits.
Notice Paul urges us to put off the old self, and to put on the new. “…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22–24, ESV)
Notice also the emphasis upon the need to be filled with the Spirit. “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit…” (Ephesians 5:18, ESV)
Let us labor in marriages to bring glory to God through them. The question should be, not what must we do to survive, but what can we do to thrive.
