Hope For the Broken by Burk Parsons

Every home is dysfunctional because everyone is sinful. There is no perfect family this side of heaven, and if we were perfect parents, neither we nor our children would need a Savior. When we consider the state of the family at the beginning of the twenty-first century, our tendency is to reflect nostalgically on imagined idyllic days of generations past when families weren’t perfect but pretty close to it, or so we like to think.

As fallen people, born into fallen families, and living in a fallen world, the simple truth is that there has never been a time when families were not dysfunctional. To see this, we don’t need to look at the world around us or even at world history, all we need to do is look at the church and at every family in all of Scripture — from the murderous family of God’s son Adam, to God’s son Israel, to the overwhelming dysfunction of the families recorded in the genealogy of Jesus. We cannot, therefore, idolize families of the past or present, all of which are sinful, and we cannot make our own families or the families of others into earthly gods that can fulfill our every need and be the ultimate source of our joy, peace, and comfort.

This is not to say, however, that there are no examples of God-honoring families in Scripture and in our own day, for indeed there are, but it is to say there are no perfect families that don’t desperately need to know, believe, and apply the gospel of Christ. Although perfect healing will only exist in our eternal home, our present hope for our broken homes is the redeeming, forgiving, reconciling, and transforming gospel of God for God’s people.

We know the content of the gospel, but we fail to trust God’s promises in the gospel, and we fail to apply God’s gospel promises in our lives individually, affecting, in turn, our families. For example, as men, we sometimes think that all we need to do to raise good kids is simply be good dads, when, in fact, what every kid needs to see first and foremost is how his dad loves his mother with a repentant, patient, and sacrificial love that not only swears to die for her (which we’ll likely never have the opportunity to do) but that strives to live for her each and every day, which is precisely what Jesus did for us. Our Lord didn’t merely come and die, He lived for us as well. When we believe and apply the gospel, we will not need to pretend we are sinless but will instead be free to repent of our sins and ask forgiveness as we look to God’s true and faithful Son, Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

God showed His love for us by sending His Son to live and die for us, and as men we are to show our love for our families by pointing them to Jesus Christ whose love for us never changes. And though I hear it all the time, there’s no such thing as “falling out of love.” Christian couples don’t ever fall out of love, they fall out of being repentant. The gospel hope for our broken homes is our broken and contrite hearts that turn daily to Jesus Christ and His brokenness for us on the cross as our Savior and Lord.

The article titled, “Broken Homes in the Bible” by Richard Pratt Jr. is very insightful and has great application for all Christians, “broken home” or not.

“Unless you live in complete isolation, you have seen a broken home. Maybe it’s the family of a friend or a relative; maybe it’s your own home. Families fall apart in ways that are short-lived and lifelong, hidden from view and out there for everyone to see. Whatever the case, hardly anything perplexes and discourages us more than broken homes.

Why Are So Many Homes Broken?

The Scriptures teach us that the pandemic of damaged families we see today is nothing new. Many of us attribute the problem to recent cultural shifts — the decline of religion and morality — but the Scriptures point in a different direction. Broken homes actually appear very early in the Bible. They come into view when God pronounced judgment against our first parents, Adam and Eve.

When God made humanity, He blessed us with the privilege of being His royal and priestly images. God first ordained that we should “be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” to prepare the earth for the fullness of His glory and eternal praise. God also established the family as the main social unit by which this multi-generational mission would be fulfilled (2:19–24). This is why, in most circumstances when family works well, we move forward in the purposes for which God created us. When it does not, we are severely hindered in our service to Him.

Of course, it was not long before Adam and Eve sinned and fell under the judgment of God. When most of us think about the consequences of humanity’s fall into sin, our minds turn toward the physical and spiritual death that came to our first parents and to all of their descendants (Rom. 5:12). We also recall God’s curse on nature and how it makes human life difficult until Christ returns in glory (8:18–25). As important as these features of our fallen condition may be, the opening chapters of Genesis emphasize something else. The Scriptures stress how God’s judgment against our first parents was directed toward the family. God indicated as much when He said to Eve: “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing” (Gen. 3:16). Eve’s reaction to Abel’s death indicated that her maternal pain not only included physical childbirth but also the emotional grief caused by the waywardness of her children (4:25). The familial focus of God’s judgment also becomes evident in the disharmony that grew between Adam and Eve: “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (3:16). Moreover, God warned Adam “in pain you shall eat” (v. 17), indicating that providing for the physical needs of his family would be riddled with hardship. The early chapters of Genesis explain that the brokenness of nearly every facet of family life stems from God’s judgment against our first parents.

Unfortunately, very few people acknowledge how long and how deeply the human family has been broken. When troubles come to our homes, we almost always pin the blame on someone’s personal failures. “My family was fine,” one mother told me, “until my son became a teenager.” “We were without problems,” a husband once commented, “and suddenly my wife was unfaithful to me.” “We were a great family,” a child confided in me, “but then Dad just got up and left.” Of course, we all have personal failures, and there is plenty of blame to go around for the problems our families suffer. But statements like these reveal how much we need to look more carefully at the root of our problems. No family is “fine,” “without problems,” or “great” until someone destroys it. Every home is broken from the day it begins.

If you and I were to believe what the Bible says about the origins of our family problems, our attitudes and actions would be very different. We would be more sympathetic with others going through hard times, more vigilant about keeping our own families on track, and more devoted to pursuing help from God rather than simply assigning blame. Wouldn’t that be a welcome change?

But Hasn’t God Promised?

But hasn’t God promised that Christian families can overcome their brokenness? It is true that followers of Christ will receive full relief in the future. The New Testament teaches that at Christ’s return, “the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption” (Rom. 8:20–21). Although “in the resurrection [we] neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matt. 22:30), when Christ appears He will reverse every harm sin has caused, including the breakdown of our families. But what about now? Can we overcome the brokenness of our homes in the present age?

In recent decades, Christian television has spread what many call the “prosperity gospel” — the misguided belief that if we have enough faith, God will heal our diseases and provide us with great financial blessings. Of course, most people reading this article scoff at the thought that faith can yield such benefits. But don’t laugh too hard. We have our own prosperity gospel for our families. We simply replace having enough faith with having enough obedience. We believe that we can lift our families out of their brokenness if we conform to God’s commands.

You’ve probably encountered this outlook at one time or another. Teachers and pastors tell wives that they will enjoy wonderful relationships with their husbands and children if they will become “an excellent wife” (Prov. 31:10). After all, Proverbs 31:28 says: “Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her.” At men’s conferences, fathers recommit themselves for the sake of their children because “the righteous who walks in his integrity — blessed are his children after him!” (Prov. 20:7). In much the same way, young parents are led to believe that the eternal destinies of their children depend on strict and consistent training. You know the verse: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6). Passages like these have been taken as indicating that Christian families experience blessings and loss from God,quid pro quo. We believe that God promises a wonderful family life to those who obey His commands.

Now, we need to be clear here. The proverbs commend certain paths to family members because they reflect the ways God ordinarily distributes His blessings. But ordinarily does not mean necessarily. Excellent wives have good reason to expect honor from their husbands and children. Fathers with integrity often enjoy seeing God’s blessings on their children. Parents who train their children in the fear of the Lord follow the path that frequently brings children to saving faith. But excellent wives, faithful husbands, and conscientious parents often endure terrible hardship in their homes because proverbs are not promises. They are adages that direct us toward general principles that must be applied carefully in a fallen world where life is always somewhat out of kilter. As the books of Job and Ecclesiastes illustrate so vividly, we misconstrue the Word of God when we treat proverbs as if they were divine promises.

Quite often, there are correlations between obedience and blessings, as well as between disobedience and loss. But never be fooled into thinking you are able to figure out what God will do next in someone’s family. The Scriptures acknowledge a great deal of mystery in the ways God deals with us. Throughout the Bible, God withholds and pours out both temporal and eternal blessings and losses on families in inscrutable ways. Who would have expected God to protect Cain and bless his family with sophisticated cultural development (Gen. 4:17)? Why did God reject Saul’s family from kingship because of Saul’s sin but maintain David’s family on Israel’s throne despite David’s sin (2 Sam. 19:11–43)? The same kinds of things happen in the modern world. Why does one family lose a child and another doesn’t? Why does one unfaithful spouse repent and seek restoration and another unfaithful spouse disappears? To tell the truth, we often simply do not know. God’s ways are not arbitrary or capricious; we trust that all He does is wise and good. Yet, His ways are often unfathomable.

What Hope Is There?

If all of this is true, what hope is there? To understand the hope that the Scriptures offer us, we have to come to grips with some good news and bad news. The good news is that you cannot be bad enough to ensure God’s condemnation of your family. You might have been the most unfaithful spouse and the worst parent in human history, but you cannot be wicked enough to put your family beyond the possibility of redemption. The bad news, however, is that you cannot be good enough to ensure God’s blessings on your family. You might be the best spouse and parent that has ever walked on the planet, but you cannot be righteous enough to protect your family from terrible trials and suffering. The future of your family, for good or ill, is in the hands of God.

Without a doubt, we should look to Scripture for guidance in our homes. It addresses the familial responsibilities of men (Eph. 5:25–33; 6:4; Col. 3:19, 21; 1 Peter 3:1–6), women (Eph. 5:22–24; Col. 3:18; 1 Peter 3:7), and children (Eph. 6:1–3; Col. 3:20). It also offers family stories that provide rather obvious guidance. For instance, the relationship of Boaz and Ruth (Ruth 2–4) is as positive an example as David’s adultery with Bathsheba (2 Sam. 11) is negative. We should do our very best to follow all the teachings of Scripture. But we shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that the future depends on us.

I recently heard a pastor preach on Christian fatherhood in this way. He noted how both of the brothers Jacob and Esau lacked integrity (Gen. 25–36). With strained biblical evidence, he then explained how their lack of integrity resulted from the ways their parents split their love between the two brothers. Next, he blamed the waywardness of Joseph and his brothers on Jacob’s favoritism toward Joseph (Gen. 37). Abimelech rebelled against God because Gideon spent too much time in public service and neglected his son (Judg. 8:33–9:57). Rehoboam’s brash behavior (1 Kings 12) was caused by Solomon’s failure to spend enough time with him. Then the pastor concluded, “If we follow these bad examples, we are condemning our homes to destruction. But if we reject these examples, we will ensure God’s blessings for our homes.”

But the Scriptures make it clear that it just doesn’t work that way. Jacob and Esau were scoundrels, but God displayed His glory by transforming Jacob into the patriarch after whom the nation of Israel was named (Gen. 32). Jacob gave his sons opportunity for jealousy by favoring Joseph, but God also favored Joseph and used these family dynamics to establish order among the tribes of Israel in later generations (Gen. 49). The generation of the Exodus from Egypt failed miserably, but God mercifully enabled the second generation to overcome their parents’ infidelity (Josh. 1). David fell into serious sin with Bathsheba, but in God’s kindness Bathsheba gave birth to Solomon (2 Sam. 12:24–25).

The same is true in modern life. We all know parents who raise their children to be followers of Christ, but their children reject the Christian faith. At the same time, many of us know parents who came to faith late in life. Despite the fact that they had trained their children to mock everything holy, their adult children soon trusted Christ as well. We all know innocent victims of divorce who suffer their entire lives with the pain of loneliness and guilty parties who repent and find peace with God and happiness in another marriage. These scenarios may not make much sense to us, but they demonstrate one thing very clearly: the future of our families depends on God, not on you and me.

What’s the bottom line? Do your best to be the kind of spouse, parent, or child God wants you to be, but never take your eyes off of the One who actually holds your family’s future. If things are going well in your home right now, don’t be fooled into thinking that somehow you have made it that way. Look again; your home is broken beneath the surface and able to disintegrate in a moment. So, give God the thanks He deserves and earnestly pray for His continuing mercy in the future. But if things are not going well in your home, don’t give up on the hope of redemption. God delights in showing His amazing saving power through people who have nothing left. Whatever the condition of your family may be, turn to the One who holds the future in His hands and ask Him to honor Himself through your broken home.

The Bible talks a lot about broken homes and we should, too. Rejoice when your family enjoys God’s blessing. Be sympathetic when you become aware of brokenness in other families. There will be times when you will face brokenness in your own family. But you have a God who is also your heavenly Father, and He loves you as a member of His family. God promises no easy fixes or simple solutions. There are no steps to follow that will guarantee healing and restoration. But your heavenly Father can and does heal families. He can turn mourning into dancing; He can create praise out of despair. He can bind the wounds of the brokenhearted and set free those imprisoned in darkness. God can restore families and use the tragedies that so deeply hurt us now to move us forward in the purposes for which He created us. So call out to Him as your Father, and pray for His mercy on you and your home. Trust in His love for you and never give up. Our Father sent His only Son to die and rise again to forgive our sins and heal our shame. He is our hope in all the brokenness we face in our lives.”

The article, “Why We Memorize the Catechism” written by R. Scott Clark provides good insight into why our children should memorize the catechism. In addition, he articulates how the catechism can be used at the various stages of childhood.

Introduction

Both children and parents in Reformed congregations often ask, “Why must we (or our children) memorize the catechism? If they must memorize anything at all, should they not memorize Holy Scripture instead?” These are fair questions, but they rest on dubious premises.

The first premise is that memorization is somehow out of date or a backward practice. Quite to the contrary, in most circumstances (there not being any significant developmental disabilities) memorization is a most valuable skill to teach our children and further, contrary to much modern educational theory it is exactly what they want at a certain stage of their development.

The second premise sounds pious but contains within it a sort of sugarcoated poison since it juxtaposes implicitly the theology and teaching of the church against Scripture. As a matter of fact, we understand our catechism to be a good, sound, and accurate summary of the whole teaching of Scripture. As a matter of history, all heretics quote Scripture. What makes us Reformed is how we understand Scripture and this understanding is summarized in the catechism. This is why we have a catechism.

If we thought that catechism was not biblical, we would not use it and, if anyone can show that the catechism is unbiblical, the church ought to revise it to bring it into conformity with Scripture.

We ought to memorize Scripture, it is the Word of God which he uses to bring our children to faith and by which they grow in that faith and in sanctity, but our children also need a framework in which to understand the Scripture they are learning. So Scripture and catechism memorization go hand-in-glove.

God’s Word is full of exhortations to “confess the faith” either by precept or by example. Deuteronomy 6:4 is perhaps the most fundamental biblical confession, “Hear 0 Israel, Yahweh our God, Yahweh is one.” This is a confessional formula to be memorized by all Israelites. John 9:22 and Matthew 10:32-33 teach a Christian duty to confess Jesus as Messiah. Exodus 12:26-27 reflects the ancient practice of God’s people of catechizing their children in the history of God’s saving acts. This catechesis was part of the process of covenant renewal for those who had been initiated into the covenant through circumcision. In I Corinthians 10 (all) the Apostle Paul says that New Covenant Christians continue that pattern with the sacraments of baptism and the Lord’s Supper. The Corinthian problem was that they did not regard sufficiently the holiness of the Supper as a feast of covenant renewal nor did they discern the presence of Christ in the Supper by the Holy Spirit.

Following the Apostolic pattern, catechesis of the children of believers (covenant renewal) and new converts has been the universal practice of the Christian church since the earliest days of the church. The pattern of Christian catechesis was to learn the Apostles’ Creed; the Lord’s Prayer and the Ten Commandments and the Reformation carried on this tradition.

The Plan

The ancient Christian pattern of instruction is summarized by Dorothy Sayers’ wonderful essay, “The Lost Tools of Learning,”‘ which is widely available in print and on the Internet. In this essay she distinguis-hed the three stages of childhood development as “parrot, pert, poet.” Of course, this was her way of explaining the traditional educational pattern of the Trivium, i.e grammar, logic and rhetoric.

In the “parrot” stage (circa ages 4-9), children take great delight in the accomplishment of memorization and are capable of memorizing most anything in small units. In our family we simply divided the longer catechism answers into smaller units until they were learned. I have found in church and at home that if we begin catechizing children (including memorization) at 4-5 they memorize with great joy. To be sure, they do not always understand what they are learning but they don’t need to understand everything yet. We are still preparing them to renew the covenant formally before the congregation.

In the “pert” stage (circa ages 9-12), children begin to analyze the raw data which they have memorized. Because they lack emotional maturity, the questions may be expressed rudely (hence “pert’), but in fact questions about the faith show that children are trying to make sense for themselves of what they have been taught. If properly catechized, children now have something interesting to discuss at Sabbath lunch, especially in the pert stage. They will also ask questions just before bed such as, ‘Daddy, how can God be one in three persons?” This will be a good stimulus for parents to learn the catechism for themselves!

In the “poet” stage (circa ages 12-14), children begin to apprehend that there is more to reality than what they can taste, touch, see, smell and hear They begin to learn how to express themselves more appropriately and to appreciate the finer things in life.

Much more importantly, however, if we begin catechizing our children early enough, by the time they reach this stage, we can expect them to begin to “discern the body” (1 Corinthians 11:29), to be ready for profession of faith, to take up the covenant for themselves and to be ready to be fed by Christ’s body and blood with Christ’s congregation. If we catechize our children early on, by the grace of the Spirit, they are able to develop their powers of doctrinal discernment, which they will certainly need.

The Problems

Covenant children may well object to this plan, but they also object to being taken to the dentist or physician and we do not normally listen to their objections because we know that if we do not take them to the dentist, their teeth will be the worse for it. As important as teeth are, we surely agree that there is much more at stake in catechism instruction. So, when our children object, we tell them, “I know you do not always like memorizing catechism now, but when you are old you will be glad we made you do it; (this is true! I have visited a good number of old folks who were glad to be able to confess their only comfort in life and in death when all sorts of indignities were being done to them)..

Therefore we tell our children “We are Reformed, We confess the Reformed faith and in order to commune in this congregation you too must confess the Reformed faith. Learning the catechism is the best preparation for the Reformed faith. How can you confess something with which you’re not intimately familiar?”‘

There are other things we can do to help our children to take up the covenant for themselves.

The first thing is to reclaim the Sabbath. One of the chief purposes of the Sabbath is Christian instruction of our children. Between morning and evening services the children have all afternoon to learn the catechism and to rest. If families follow this pattern from the start, their children will assume that is the correct thing to do and think it odd that others ignore Christ’s command.

Though the dentist might not approve, there is nothing immoral about encouraging young children to accomplish a finite task (e.g. one-half of a longer catechism answer) with the reward of a piece of candy. The Orthodox Presbyterian Church pastor Leonard Coppes wrote some years ago about “candychism.” It works because children value the candy as much as token of accomplishment and parental approval as for the sweet itself. Then, of course, there is the matter of duty. Sometimes it is necessary to use the same sort of approach we use with weekday schoolwork. Learning the faith thoroughly and intimately is a responsibility of a covenant child just as it is his responsibility to learn grammar and math. If they refuse, they should face appropriate discipline. Some parents have even been known to promise a talk with the “board of education.” This last resort is effective when used sparingly by parents.

To reluctant Christian parents I ask some questions. Do you want your children to be Reformed when they grow up and if so, how do you expect to achieve this goal apart from the catechism? Why would you by-pass the prime season for catechizing your children?

One of the great losses of failing to catechize children in the “parrot” stage is that in these years children have perhaps the greatest facility for memorization they will ever possess. As we grow older, it becomes progressively more difficult to memorize new material. Any adult who has endeavored to learn a second language knows the truth of this axiom.

Recently I was reading the minutes of a North American ecclesiastical assembly from the early 1920’s. Even then, they were establishing a committee to discuss the problem of children leaving the church. Eighty years later, we are still erecting such committees and asking the same question. Perhaps it is time to try something old fashioned? Rather than lamenting the fact that our children are leaving the church, perhaps we should try catechizing them again? As a minister on a Consistory (Session) I am bound to say that if parents will not catechize their children or bring them to church for catechism, they may not blame the church when their children come under discipline fifteen years later because they married a Roman Catholic or left the Christian faith altogether.

Reformed catechesis, however, is not mere obligation. It is a joy and a gift from our covenant Lord. If we do make catechesis a regular part of the religious life of our children, if we make regular use of the ordinary means of grace (Shorter Catechism 88), if we pray and read with our children, we may expect them to make a credible profession of faith in the congregation. Watching our children make profession and come to the table of the Lord, these are the answers to the prayers of all Reformed parents. May God grant us such graces.